My Prayer Life

You still feel bitter because people weren't grateful for something you gave them, you still feel jealous of those who are better paid than you are, you still want to take revenge on someone who didn't respect you, you are still disappointed that you've received no letter, still angry because someone didn't smile when you walked by. You live through it; you live along with it as though it didn't really bother you...until the moment you want to pray. Then everything returns: the bitterness, the hate, the jealousy, the disappointment, and the desire for revenge. But, these feelings are not just there; you clutch them in your hands as if they were treasures you didn't want to part with. You sit rummaging in all that old sourness as if you can't do without it, as if in giving it up, you would lose your very self.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen

Exactly 6 months ago, I challenged myself to pray for 10 minutes a day. I literally set my cell phone alarm the first few days because I discovered I had no concept of how long 10 minutes really was. Maybe to you this seems a little weird, or maybe you think 10 minutes could never be enough time to speak a deep, heart felt prayer to God. Maybe you think it's nuts to set up a rigid, set amount of time for prayer. But, let me provide some context.

Like any relationship, my relationship with God has had its own, unique ups and downs. And with that, my prayer life has kind of had its own ebb and flow. When I first became a Christian, I had a very formulaic way of praying--1. Tell God how much I loved Him and how amazing He was 2. Confess how rotten I was and all the bad things I had done 3. Thank God for forgiving me and for making the flowers and the trees (ok kidding) 4. Lift up my laundry list of prayers. I would write down each request in my little journal, and then jot down what happened and how God "answered" my prayer. I'm not saying this was bad at all. But, it wasn't very natural.

In college, my prayer life became more natural. I prayed a lot. I wrote long, detailed journal entries where I would be praying and wrestling with difficult questions and truly seeking answers. My faith grew. It was good. Then my world crashed. I completely hit rock bottom (I'm not going into that here). My prayers became desperate pleas for God to change circumstances, for God to explain Himself, for God to make things fair. I felt like God was punishing me, like he had abandoned me.

God became a distant relative, not my Father. My relationship with God was hurting. I was thoroughly confused. And I spent my time in law school avoiding the issue, finding cheap substitutes, and trying to figure out why the heck I felt so far from a God I knew in my heart loved me. During this time, my prayers consisted of, again, desperate pleas to "fix" things after I would mess stuff up. I remember praying things like "God, I know life isn't supposed to be like this. What is wrong with me? Why did you make me like this--so weak?" But, I did nothing to take steps toward Him. I held on to my resentment and pain and used it to build a wall between myself and God. The hurtful experiences defined me. I was afraid to let them go for fear that somehow, I would lose myself.

Last May, as I was preparing for the Bar exam, I decided enough was enough. The cheap substitutes were just that. I committed to studying my butt off (check!), and to letting go of all the anger, resentment, and jealousy that had created this huge void between me and God. I prayed hard this summer for change. (And if you know me, I don't love change...so that was huge for me :)) I prayed for God to restore the excitement and passion for Jesus I had once claimed so strongly. And He did.

So, back to my 10 min prayer deal. I opted for this rather rigid, disciplined route because my relationship with God needed to be mended. I needed to restore my trust, to learn to relinquish control (definitely have not mastered that), to accept/truly believe that the abundant life God is giving me is way better than anything I can/could create for myself. By requiring 10 minutes of myself, I gave myself the opportunity to be changed. Even if those 10 minutes consisted of me explaining to God how much I doubted my ability to surrender control, or how annoyed I was at my circumstances, or whatever, it was 10 minutes spent with God.

A relationship isn't going to grow or, in my case, mend if I refuse to communicate with the other person. And this is where prayer gets tricky...because sometimes it can honestly feel like you are communicating to God with no response, which can be frustrating.

Now don't get me wrong. If you are around me at all, you know I can be quite cynical, and am not exactly "bitter-free." But, I am 100 times closer than I was a year ago. And I desire to continue moving in the right direction.

6 months later and I am amazed. I cried this morning reading this reflection on prayer by Nouwen. Slowly, God has taken the things I gripped so tightly and shook them lose from my hands. And I realize that the future will bring many more "things" that I will want to hold onto and let define me. But, I really believe that through consistent, honest prayer, God can step in before my grip gets so tight that it takes years to loosen it.

I think prayer is hard. It's scary to be honest and real with all the junk that consumes us. At least it is for me. I don't get into fake, flowery prayer. My time would be better spent watching The Office. But, when we aren't afraid to surrender the crap, the hurt, the guilt, and whatever else and just let God have it, I think then we can experience freedom.

Don't be afraid of the One who wants to enter your most intimate space and invite you to let go of what you are clinging to so anxiously. Don't be afraid to offer your hate, bitterness, disappointment, to the One who is love and only love. Even if you know you have little to show, don't be afraid to let it be seen.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen

p.s. thank God for some cancelled meetings at work this morning so I had time to post :)

Signs of the Apocalypse

1. My dog got invited to a birthday party. Not me, my dog. I wonder if I can just drop her off the way you drop off kids to a birthday party. Hmm.

2. Two Justin Timberlake songs have made their way into my running mix.

3. I got asked out on a date via telephone today at work based solely upon my voice being "the most pleasant voice I have ever heard." I have never met this person. If you have ever heard me speak...you may understand why this seems so strange on like 500 levels.

4. I paid $5 for a 4 pack of toilet paper. And no, this is not the triple roll pack. This is your basic Quilted Northern 4 pack. Ridiculous.

5. At the grocery store tonight, I saw a guy sporting a pink, one-size-too-small t-shirt and instead of making fun of him, I checked him out, and decided he was hot.

I mean, seriously, what is the world coming to? :)

Thank God spring is here!

Good TV Tonight

Today I am plugging Friday Night Lights. It's on at 8PM on Wednesday on NBC. It's awesome. You should watch it.

Here are two clips that are indicative of the kind of show this is...one showing Coach Taylor (love him) giving some fatherly advice to his teenage daughter, Julie, and another showing some competitive, tough Texas high school football (love that as well).

Give it a shot...I think you will be pleasantly surprised :)





Kinda makes me miss Friday night football games during high school :)

Gym Etiquette

At the risk of writing two very complain-ish posts in a row, I feel the need to provide some guidance to men at the gym. The gym to which I belonged in Lakewood had a "ladies only" room. A room where women could lift weights away from the wandering eyes, nasty grunting, and "macho" music blaring in the regular free weights area--an area occupied mostly by men. While I worked out there, I thought it was ridiculous that there was a women's side and a men's side. Separate but equal is unconstitutional, right?

I was wrong.

Generally, I work out in the morning before work, but on Mondays, I hit up the gym after work to lift and it is probably the most crowded the gym ever gets. There is a waiting list for treadmills, it's sickeningly hot when you walk in the door, and the free weight area is over populated with the i-can't-touch-my-finger-to-my-face-because-my-bicep-is-so-big types. I tell you what, I miss the ladies weight room.

It's like there's some kind of sexist, unwritten rule that women can use the cardio equipment, the circuit machines, but NOT the free weights. That's male domain...women out. Or, if you want to take the risk of venturing into the man territory, you have to accept that you will be subjected to stares and workout "advice" from most of the men back there. It's completely ridiculous.

So, men, here's 8 pieces of advice for proper gym etiquette.

1. Grunting does not make you appear stronger. Stop putting on the act.
2. Doing 4 reps of extremely heaving weights and then walking around for 10 minutes "resting" and still occupying a bench with your towel is ridiculous: not only are you a bench hog, but you aren't doing that much for your muscles either.
3.I was a college athlete. I know how to lift. I do not need your "tips" on how to get the most out of my lunges, or the newest protein shake. If I want exercise tips, I will get a subscription to Shape magazine.
4. If you sweat all over a bench, for goodness sake, clean it off. I think people would appreciate not having to be exposed to whatever infectious diseases you may be carrying.
5. Throwing down your weights in order to make a loud sound after your set of reps does not make you appear stronger. See number 1.
6. Just because you use the mirror to check out women instead of turning and looking at them doesn't mean we can't see you. You are not sly.
7. After doing your 1 set of 4 reps with 300 lbs on the bench press, it'd be nice if you would remove the weights. It'd be nice to get a workout from actually doing my routine, rather than from moving around other people's weights.
8. Just because you look in the mirror to check out your muscles doesn't mean we can't see you checking yourself out. See number 6.

Ok, I'm done now. No more complaining :)

No Summer Nights for Me

I'm frustrated. Maybe that's not the right word... I found out last week that I was misled previously when I thought I wouldn't have to work later hours at work. Come late May, I will start work at 2PM, which means I won't be done until 10 or 11PM. I think I'm so frustrated because the duration of this exciting shift will be the entire summer. I'm totally bummed.

See, the thing is, this change could potentially be just fine. I will have time in the morning to run, maybe even spend an hour or two at the pool. I will have more down time at work to work towards a promotion. Besides, it's still only 5 days a week, I will still have plenty of free evenings. And by the fall, I will likely have put in my time at the later shift and can move back up...but there's just something about summer evenings I will miss. Nighttime bbqs, playing cornhole while the sun goes down, walking my dog at dusk...I love summer, but I feel like working this late I am going to be missing out or something.

I realize this is not that crazy and I am making a big deal about nothing...but

Anyone know where I can get a teaching license and a job before summer starts ? :)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

So I woke up early to go to this ORRRC 5K for St. Patty's Day and it was freezing! 26 degrees with a wind chill of 13...brrr! I ended up 1st in my age group...woohoo and received the sweetest trophy ever!!





Now it's time for a nap and then to enjoy all things green, or something like that. :)

Download it

This is kind of piggybacking on my post earlier this week. (I love that I just used the term piggybacking)

I LOVE this song. I think the perfect relationship I desire might involve two people who support each other, two people who are independent of each other, but still protect and shelter each other through all the junk the world slings their way...and in the process, motivate each other to live out their respective missions and callings in life.

Shelter

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
as though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that make you live are killing you
Listen when all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
Hey you will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you
I will shelter you

-Ray LaMontagne

Thunderstorms!

So tonight there is a big chance of thunderstorms...and I LOVE it. One of my favorite things is to fall asleep to rain and thunderstorms...with the lightening flashing all night. It's awesome.

I found this video of a thunderstorm...the video isn't that great, but the sounds are amazing. I seriously might start playing this while I sleep on repeat ;)

Feel Good List II

It's definitely time for another feel good list...especially after Tuesday's weather!

1. Near 80 degree weather! And no rain, no clouds, just sunshine!
2. Getting out of work at 2PM on Tuesday so I could enjoy the awesome weather (ok, so I have to go in early on Thursday for "team" day...but still)
3. Maple Brown Sugar Frosted Mini Wheats--just bought them Sunday and they are amazing (especially soggy)
4. My dog recovering from her $130 dollar injury...poor girl.
5. The ergonomic-ization of my office! New chair, new furniture all around....I have never been so comfy at work!
6. Roller skating (nope, not rollerblading) for the first time since like 5th grade (and 6 year olds were faster, more skilled, and less fearful)
7. Running my daily 5 in shorts and outside...felt so good!!
8. A surprise RAISE at work...YAY!
9. Trying Skyline dip (with cool ranch doritos) for the first time...and loving it
10. Late night dog walk and it was still 70 degrees out!

When Men Were Men

This past Friday night, I watched 300, a movie about 300 Spartan warriors taking on the massive Persian army. (And I must give thanks that I even had a seat to sit in to Steve Fuller who fought tooth and nail so that 10 of us could sit together, and attribute the company with whom I got to sit to Steve Bragg for sacrificing sitting with the group because we were a chair short--props to both) The Spartan men had one calling in life--to be tough, fight-to-the-death soldiers who defended their country at all costs. Nothing stood in the way of their mission--not the temptations of money, or power, or women. Nothing. These men were real men. Tough (I don't think any of the men had any kind of shirt on the entire movie), brave, and completely focused on what their role was in their kingdom--being soldiers of Sparta.

I promise this relates...but I love the show Friday Night Lights (8PM NBC, seriously, DVR it). One of the reasons I am addicted to it is the head football coach. He is an awesome father, totally devoted husband, and a tough, successful football coach. I watch the show and I'm thinking--now there's a real man. He calls out other men when they aren't living up to being great husbands and dads. He protects his daughter, honors his wife. And, yet, he is confident and takes charge of situations when he needs to.

Sometimes I feel like there are not enough "real" men out there. I mean I know these are fictional representations, but is it completely ridiculous to desire these traits in men? Do we have to compromise strength and confidence to meet a guy who's not a complete jerk? And as women, can we become less dependent on relationships and men in order to allow men to be strong enough to live out their own mission?

By far my favorite scene in 300 is where King Leonidas is leaving Sparta to go fight the Persians, and his wife tells him to come back with his shield or not at all (meaning die a glorified death living out your mission in life--being a Spartan warrior--or come back with a victory). She isn't sappy, doesn't cry and beg him to come back alive for her sake or her son's sake. She supports him to do his thing, to get done what he's supposed to get done and to fulfill his duty in life. She doesn't stand in his way, she pushes him on and while he's away, she works her butt off to try to find even more support for her husband's mission...and that is awesome.

That is what I want. A man who has a mission in his life and a passion for actually doing it. And I would love to be the kind of woman who could see past my own insecurities and encourage him to do what he's called to do...to be a real man.

p.s. Happy Birthday Steve Fuller!

ESCAPE

Yesterday on the Today Show, which I watch while I get ready in the morning, there was a feature story that followed the lives of those individuals who had won the lottery. The story can be found here. It was pretty incredible the trouble these people got into after their wealth increased infinitely. More interesting, though, was that these people kept reiterating that the money didn't really change their state of happiness. The money just created other, sometimes worse, problems.

I have really been on a kick recently about really trying hard to be content, no matter the circumstances, to try to stop worrying about where I should be and focus on living where I am, now, today. So easily I become defined by my circumstances. For instance, in law school I was always too busy to do anything. My life wasn't settled yet because I didn't have my degree, so I felt like it was ok to have everything kind of hang in limbo, without committing to anything seriously.

I had a great conversation with a good friend on my way home from Cincinnati last night and we were kind of chatting about finding an ideal place to live, and joked how it could never be Ohio. I kept thinking how often when I get tired of the "circumstances" of my life, I am so ready to escape. Go somewhere else, try something new.

I think it's scary to be content in our circumstances. We are trained by society and our parents to always want more, to never be satisfied, that we somehow deserve more. It's hard not to feel like I am letting myself down by being satisfied where I am. This is the perfectionist in me, I suppose. It's no wonder it's so difficult to live for God in the mundane, in the day to day things we do and places we frequent daily because we seem to wait for some earth-shattering opportunity or some big event to share our faith. But, most of us aren't going to have some momentous occasion to do that. And how many opportunities do we let slip away waiting for that? Waiting to do something the next time, to treat someone to coffee another day, to wait to have a conversation that is "meaningful" rather than friendly chit chat... More and more I just really believe that life changing and "momentous" things happen by loving people just during our day to day lives--unplanned, unedited, and kind of confusing at times.

It's definitely something that I feel convicted about...especially considering how often I want to escape to something new! :) (or someplace new rather, with warm sandy beaches and a cloudless sky...rolling waves...)

Why I Became a Lawyer...Or Something

When I was in college, I was involved in a violent robbery. Ok, that didn't sound quite right. I wasn't perpetrating the robbery...but, I was held up. And it's a good story. So, settle in, grab a beverage, and enjoy ;)

I was 19 years old. My summer job from the time I was 16 until 22 was as a lifeguard at the Stone Oak Country Club. It was a cake job. I won't even begin to describe how perfect that job was here...but, if I could ever go back in time, going back to those summers spent at that pool would rank very high on my "places to visit with the time machine" list.

Anyway, that sumer I decided to pick up a second job at our local video store in the evenings for extra cash. (That was back when I actually saved money.) The Video Connection on Central Ave. was quite the job. Free videos, minimal work. There were some downsides. It was open till midnight, which meant some nights I came home late. There was also an 18 and over room. And each night, that room had to be restocked. SICK! But, yes, it was part of my job. The two workers who closed had to restock all the videos (including the porn room) and count out the money for deposit in the morning.

It was a typical evening at the video store and Kevin (name changed so I don't get sued for defamation/ libel or whatever other tort might be thought up) and I were getting ready to close. At about 1030, he had popped in the Kevin Costner classic, Robin Hood. We finally locked up the store and I agreed to restock the adult video room because I thought I might get out earlier than having to count the money.

I grabbed the videos, headed to the back. Once I was inside, careless throwing videos wherever so I could spend as little time as possible in there, I heard this huge crash. I thought for sure Kevin had knocked over one of the televisions that sat behind the counter. I ran out and yelled "Kevin, what'd you do" but my words were cut short.

Right before me, there were two masked men (kid you not) who had busted through the glass doors with hammers, holding up Kevin demanding the money. Instantly, I figured this was how I was going to die. Shot up at the local Video Connection.

So what did I do? I did what anybody who has watched enough NYPD Blue to learn a thing or two about robberies would do. I put my hands in the air and froze behind the racks of videos and prayed the masked men didn't see me. The entire time the robbery took place, Bryan Adams's Everything I Do I Do it For You serenaded the event while the credits rolled for the movie.

And apparently they didn't see me. I didn't die, or get shot up. They took the money, and ran. (And got caught on the Ohio Turnpike at a Denny's eating, after having left a trail along the Turnpike just like Hansel and Gretel. Seriously, criminals are idiots.) But, by far, it was the scariest experience of my life. I was completely freaked out driving home.

But, in the end, I was so grateful I was restocking those nasty videos! Who knows how things could have been different if I were the one counting the money! You won't ever hear me condemning porn movies--they nearly saved my life! (kidding--don't freak out)

That's my story. After that, I wanted the bad guys put away. So I went to law school. And now I I'm a research attorney in an office all day. It all adds up, right?

I am a Tax Genius!

My sister doubted my tax preparation skills because, in her words, "I don't know Liz, you're my sister, I just don't think you're smart enough to do them."

So, this past weekend she went out and bought tax software. And guess what? I actually found $6 more dollars for her friend MY WAY! SO THERE, TURBO TAX!

Just think what you can do with $6...3 coffees at Starbucks, a Chipotle burrito, a movie ticket (if you go at like 10AM), 6 diet dr. peppers from the vending machine at work...I mean really the possibilities are endless...

They don't put Esq. after my name for nothin'!

When the New Wears Off

Is there such thing as "happily ever after"? I am feeling more friendly toward the opposite sex than I was maybe 2 months ago...but, I still am clueless as ever. I think my problem is how does the passion ever last beyond the infatuation stage? I mean can you really deny that a lot of the fun of dating/relationships is the "getting to know you" phase. It's exciting, it's new, it's fun, kind of awkward, but thrilling too.

One of my biggest fears, maybe the biggest, is that I will end up in a marriage devoid of passion. As much as I desire somebody with whom to share my life, it seems worthless if we aren't crazy about each other. Is this impossible? I mean does anybody really fall deeper in love with their spouse as time goes on? I guess I'm just not around relationships like that very often.

Instead, I see marriages where spouses can't communicate, and the very behaviors that they used to think were cute, now infuriate them. The romance fizzles and routine sets in. This has happened to me in relationships that lasted 2 years, let alone a lifetime! And, honestly, when relationships get to that point, it just seems to me to be the breeding ground for cheating and other kinds of dishonesty. We like the comfort of a relationship, but don't want the work to maintain a certain level of passion.

Relationships are hard work, to be sure, but I think it would be awesome to keep the excitement even after the "new-ness" wears off. And maybe someday I'll eat my words (when I'm still living alone at 40 with my dog), but I don't think I want it any other way.

NO RACE

So because of all the rain this past week and the expected cold temps (which makes the roads icy) tomorrow, my race is rescheduled for April 1!

Looks like somebody gets to sleep in tomorrow :)

New Shoes!

Seriously, is there anything much better than new running shoes??!!! 10 Miler Race on Sunday...hopefully my new shoes will bring me luck ! :)

No Regrets...Or Not

Isn't it funny how often you hear people say "no regrets" like it's the philosophy of their life? I mean can we ever really have no regrets? Usually the only time I've muttered those words is right before I do something I most certainly will regret.

But, I hear this phrase thrown around all the time. I definitely don't think dwelling on mistakes is healthy or anything. But, even if you feel like you've learned a lot from your mistakes/experiences, you have to at least regret the times you've hurt other people. Maybe this is just the perfectionist in me, but I just can't live with no regrets. There are things I shouldn't have done, decisions I should/could have made differently.

I completely believe, though, that moving forward is important. Being positive is important. But, to me, "no regrets" is like a "who cares" approach to life. And, well, I care.

Would You Rather 16

Some people are great cooks. Some people love to experiment in the kitchen. Some people wish they were great cooks. And, some people don't know a skillet from a sauce pan, and don't care to.

I am getting better at cooking. But, usually if it' s just me, I am making eggs or a frozen dinner because it takes no time. It seems like a waste to make a big meal just for myself. More and more, though, I am finding it fun to make food for other people. A year ago, I could barely make anything that required more skill than wrapping a baked potato and popping it in the oven.

So, how are your cooking skills? Can you make gourmet dishes, or do you just like eating them?

Would you rather make dinner for someone else OR have someone else make you dinner?

p.s. feel better Jana!

Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I am a clutz. I am pretty sure I fall more than the average person. Yesterday morning the temperature was about freezing. I just assumed with all the melting that had been going on, there wouldn't be any slick spots. I was wrong. To try to get out of the way of an oncoming bus, I leaped over this huge snow mound only to land on a slippery puddle of black ice. Of course, I crashed to the ground, right on my knee, and I have a nasty bruise. Three high school kids witnessed my fall while waiting at their bus stop...it was pretty humiliating. One boy did ask if I was alright and offered to help me up...but I was so embarrassed!
Anyway, I finished my run and thought about how many times I've fallen...it's ridiculous. So I made a little Top 5 of the best stories. Enjoy ;)

My Top 5 Craziest Falls
1. Last August--running out to the garage to get a popsicle, slipped on a rug, broke my foot

2. Senior year of college crossing Beall Ave., cars stopped, I trip, book bag comes flying over my head, slamming my head into the street.

3. Junior year of high school--on crutches for a stress fracture, decide to use them to go down a friend's basement steps, end up with a concussion. My guy friend's words right before I head down "Liz, are you sure you can get down there ok?"

4. Mountain biking with my Dad, sophomore year of high school--while taking a sharp turn I realize there is a bee on my arm, I freak out, lose control of my bike and plummet. Sliced up my arm, probably should have had stitches, but my Dad made me finish the bike ride. Then he only let me get out of swim practice for one day because "the chlorine is the best thing for bad cuts like that." My dad is a teacher, clearly not a doctor.

5. Senior year of college--using the treadmill on the cruise boat. The guy using it before me hops off, I hop on--only to realize he never stopped the treadmill. So I go flying off into the elipticals, and end up with a nasty burn/bruise/cut all over my leg and stomach. Looked great in the bikini.

I mean, seriously, this is just a highlight of the funniest, most ridiculous falls...not even counting all the childhood injuries, all the times I fell during cross country races, or practices. Holly, I think you might be right...skiing really might be out of the question ;)

As You Wish

I am very proud of myself. I have successfully convinced my niece and nephew to love The Princess Bride. In fact, when they spent the night this weekend, they watched it twice! (They even had to wait for it to rewind because I only have it on VHS....and they marveled at how long it took--made me feel old.) The best part was that after the movie they decided to play Princess Bride. So my nephew played Westley and my niece was Princess Buttercup. At one point, I heard my nephew pretend to roll down a hill, calling out "aaaaas youuuu wiiiiiish." It was AWESOME :) It's just a sweet, funny, wonderful movie...and I love it.

(This is not my favorite scene...but YouTube didn't have very much :) )

Fridays Rule

My sister had two days of conferences with teachers. From what I understand, one day was dedicated to poetry and she was shocked at how many of the teachers complained how much they hated teaching/reading poetry. I hypothesized that the teachers didn't like poetry because they didn't understand it.

I think it's interesting that we can instantly be negative towards something simply because we don't understand it. For instance, for a while I've been fed up with my job because I am in the bankruptcy/tax area and it's hard for me. It's hard because it's complex and difficult to understand. So instead of trying to learn everything I can, I instantly say things like "tax law sucks."

But anyways...I thought this was funny. My sister, in front of all these teachers, reads this poem she wrote about ME:

My sister is like a dirty martini,
At first she is hard to take, and burns.
With no frills.
But, later, you'll be wanting more.

NICE....my sister, the poet.

Anyways, TGIF everybody:)

This Little Light of Mine

14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:14-16

Something amazing happened this week. I won't be able to articulate everything, but here's the gist. Recently, I've been struggling with what my "purpose" is here. I've been asking questions like why do I work where I work, why do I drive down to Cincinnati two or three times a week, why do live with my sister, why do I drive a Saturn, why why why!? Life just seems so random sometimes. But on Tuesday night, I feel like something clicked.

I have been praying pretty diligently for some insight from God as to why I am in this location, what I am doing here, what I should be doing, etc. I feel like I am at a point in my life where the momentum seems to be stopping. No more graudations, first roomates, first jobs, etc. I was driving back from Cincinnati on Sunday night and I felt bored and fed up with the same old routine. (and this is only month 6 of "adult" life)

However, I feel really fired up about some things I've been reading/listening to and learning from this week. Jesus provides insight on what our purpose is in Matthew 5:14-16. No matter where we are located, no matter what our circumstances, our purpose is to be lights to the world.

One thing that specifically struck me is the concept that we are "strategically placed" where we are. What if we stopped thinking that life is so random, and started living like there is a purpose for us being where we are? At work, or at the gym, or at the bar, or wherever we are... What if we stopped waiting for the perfect job or the perfect church to serve in or the perfect relationship or perfect state of contentment before we started doing and letting our light shine?

So, whether we are in a location we love or in one we are frustrated with, our purpose is the same. And I think realizing that purpose kind of grounds me. It keeps me from making decisions that relate only to my immediate state of happiness or unhappiness, as it may be--decisions that potentially will create emotional baggage or bad consequences down the road. I've definitely made decisions before that were primarily based on alleviating feelings of unhappiness or insecurity. And they definitely have/had consequences that seem to linger around.

If we keep to ourselves, feel a connection/devotion/conviction internally, but refuse to actually do anything externally, well, then I really believe we will feel constant discontent. And while a change, perhaps to a new job or a new geographic location or a new group of friends or a new significant other, might provide some momentum for a while, inevitably, until we seize our purpose , we will never be truly content.

Now, the question becomes what do I do to live out this purpose in a way that reflects God, rather than a way that just says to the world I am a nice person who does nice things? That seems tricky at first glance. I think this question is definitely worth investigating...and I'm open to suggestions :)

Would You Rather 15

"You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance."
-Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

a two-parter...one for the ladies and one for the guys:

So, ladies, would you rather be with (define "be with" as you will...date/marry/whatev) the bold, confident guy who will potentially be an arrogant jerk OR the shy, nice guy, who might be less likely to sweep you off your feet, but more likely to not stomp all over your heart?

And guys, would you rather be with the high maintenance lady with lots of needs OR the low maintenance type who is rather independent and doesn't need you to solve all her problems?

I Don't Want to Be an Adult

J.M. Barrie: Young boys should never be sent to bed... they always wake up a day older.

I can't believe how fast time moves. I shudder at the thought of turning 26 in August. Where does the time go? It seems like the more my schedule gets filled with things like meetings and deadlines, the faster the time goes. Sometimes, it really seems like time just slips away to complex work projects and paying bills and doing laundry. So much do to, so little time...right? Is this how being a grown up is supposed to be?

I spent from 630 till 10 tonight doing taxes for people. This is like the third night I've done it. And, I'll tell you what, taxes suck.

Sometimes I really don't want to be an adult. I don't want responsibilities, I don't want to deal with work and relationships and cooking and cleaning.

I love Finding Neverland . It's one of my favorite movies. And I agree with J.M. Barrie... sometimes I wish I could stop time and not have to wake up a day older! :)

Entitled

5The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"

6He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

7"Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'? 8Would he not rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink'? 9Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10 So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "
Luke 17:5-10

When I graduated law school, I believed I was entitled to a good job, because, well, I had attended school for 7 years, studied hard, and passed the Bar exam. I deserved the security of a good job. By the world's standards, a good job was my reward for working hard in school.

Feelings of entitlement totally creep in my life. I start thinking like, hey God, I’m being obedient, so when do I get my reward? It’s so hard to distinguish being obedient to God from the world’s focus on entitlement for doing the "right" things."

Jesus makes it pretty clear that we are servants to the end. And unworthy servants at that. So I go to church, so I participate in an outreach, so I try to have meaningful relationships with people at work, so I try to listen for God’s call…so what! Living out my faith in my life does not entitle me to anything. This is my duty. We are all called to full time ministry. So why do we think we deserve more for sometimes doing what we should be doing anyway?

Wooster Riot

OK so I went to this little, liberal arts, division III school in Wooster, Ohio. Not much happens in Wooster. But, on Valentine's Day, 3 students were arrested and, from what I hear, one was tazered after the Wooster police and campus security blew a college tradition way out of proportion. You can read the story of their arrests here.

One of the main academic buildings on campus is called Kauke. At its center, is Kauke Arch. Students pass through the Arch during graduation...it's a special landmark. There is a tradition that if the arch can be filled with snow, then the school will have to cancel classes. So, every year, students gather together and use buckets and trash cans to try to fill the arch with as much snow as possible. The task lasts well into the night. Somehow the students never seem to get cold....go figure. Explanation of the tradition can be found here.

Apparently, on Wednesday night, students were gathered, filling the arch per usual, and campus security, unaware of the tradition (which makes no sense to me) decided there was a riot going on and called the Wooster city police and the state highway patrol. So the officers treat the incident like a riot, barricading students away and brandishing stun guns. I can imagine the scene...and oh, it makes me wish I were in college again.

Many of the students youtube'd the incident after they video'd it with their cell phones. (In fact, you can hear the Wooster bagpipers serenading the event in the background...AWESOME!) After the police came out and tried to disperse the crowd, the dean of students came and basically said campus security screwed up by calling the Wooster police. The students cheered and all was well.

Except for the students who were arrested. Hopefully, they've contacted a good lawyer, perhaps an alum ;-) (I can't believe that was my first thought after I heard about this whole incident...law school has tainted me forever)


(In this video, you can actually hear the bagpipers in the background)

Michael is so Wise

Michael: So suck on that!

The Office rules.

Sickening

I was all ready to write a blog about how busy work was today because so few people showed up...but then I checked cnn.com... and read this unbelievable story about a man who shot up a mall on Valentine's Day.

Sometimes, most times I guess, I really don't get this world.

The Day of Love

So is everybody wearing pink and red today to work? I miss living at home. During law school, on Valentine's Day, my Dad would always leave roses and these gourmet treats from this local bakery on the kitchen table for me before I would leave for school or work. He is the best.

This year, my sister made me this little heart cake...it's pretty adorable:)

Well, here's my contribution to this holiday :) : a list of my top 5 love songs, and, if you're in a not-so-lovey kind of mood today, my top 5 break up songs. Download them. They are great! (My list is subject to change...I had a super hard time limiting it to 5)

Top 5 Love Songs
1. To Make You Feel You My Love (Bob Dylan)
2. Have I Told You Lately That I Love You? (Van Morrison)
3. Shelter (Ray LaMontagne)
4. You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman (Carole King, acoustic version)
5. When You Say Nothing at All (Alison Krauss)

Top 5 Break Up Songs
1. Nothing Compares to You (Sinead O'Connor)
2. You Give Love a Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
3. You Can Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac)
4. You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette)
5. I Will Survive (Gloria Gainer)

Happy Valentine's Day!

To Catch (Or Not to Catch) a Predator

About two weeks ago, NBC aired another episode of the racy series, To Catch a Predator. I'm sure you have heard of the show, but the basic premise is that this group (Perverted Justice) joins a chat room, acting as a pre-teen, and engages in some kind of sexual conversation (which is too racy to show on tv) that ends up with some kind of meet up planned between the older man and the minor. When the man shows up, the cameras are rolling, there to capture the man right when he realizes he has been set up. It's disgusting. The show has caught teachers, pastors, youth group leaders, doctors, coaches, etc. They've aired the show from big cities and small, farm towns. It never fails. The men show up, plea for their identity not be revealed or try to escape or try to justify why they showed up. It's pathetic and uncomfortable. And for sure, pretty scary. I think the scariest part is that no matter where the NBC crews take their cameras, the men show up. And for all the men that show up, there are probably a number who agree to show up, but lose the nerve...

Here's the thing. I am not sure I agree with the show. There is a part of me that thinks it goes too far, crosses some sort of ethical line. I mean, isn't this entrapment? People would be pissed if television stations began set ups designed to encourage husbands to cheat. But, you say, this involves kids, it's different. Is it, though?

It's not that I feel sorry for these men. These men are sick. Sexual crimes are sick. I have a real problem believing that people who have these kind of issues can be "rehabilitated." I think it's nuts that the show makes a huge deal about catching these "predators" (who are invited over and seduced) and typically they are merely charged with attempt to solicit a minor, a small misdemeanor. Most of these men are probably humiliated for life, probably lose their jobs, and have to register as a sex offender or sexual predator, depending on the applicable state statute. For all the hype, the legal fallout is minimal. The humilation is much more of a punishment than the actual laws impose.

So, the question is, does this show go too far? How does charging these or other men with attempted solicitation of a minor reduce or prevent these men from desiring minors? I don't think it does. I believe in harsher punishments. I think if people are fairly charged, farily prosecuted, and fairly found guilty, the repercussions for sexual crimes should be strong and harsh. Instead of entrapping people, why doesn't Perverted Justice use its resources to prevent young children from entering chat rooms of a sexual nature...to create technology that requires more than an appropriate birth year to enter an adult chat room?

I'm sure that on some level this show deters people with this sexual propensity from actually meeting up with an underage person; but, does it stop the real issue? Does it prevent certain men from wanting to have sex with young girls? I think it just makes them a little more afraid of being caught, a little more careful, a little more secretive.

I just want to make it clear I am not supporting or defending these men. I think they are ill. But, does this show help solve the problem of how to rehabilitate these men? It seems to me, most of the change would be dependent upon their own willpower--which if it's anything like mine, would only last so long. But, I'm pretty sure deporting them all to a deserted island isn't an option...and I'm just not sure this "To Catch a Predator" series is the answer either.

Groundhogs don't know crap about weather.

A week from last Friday, Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow, which is supposed to indicate an early spring.

I think Phil screwed up. According to weather.com, the high temps won't be getting out of the 20s in at least 10 days, and we are in store for another snow storm. Sweet. Sounds exactly like an early spring.

I'm ready for sandals.

Progress IS Great

I don't know how to parallel park. It takes me a long time to fit my car in, and even after that I usually am like 5 feet from the curb.

This morning, I was running on the treadmill and watched this ad. Now I just need to get a job that pays me enough $$ to afford a Lexus :)

Crazy Love

I just finished watching the last episode of Sex and the City. (I won't lie, it's one of my favorite series ever). But, part of me never really got how Carrie and Big ended up together. He was the guy she was completely obsessed with. Often, he treated her like a complete doormat, using her when he was feeling lonely and never really committing to her. He would show up whenever she began a new relationship just to make things messy. And each time he would show up, Carrie would go right back to him, and end up hurt again. Finally, in this last episode, he says she's "the one." Part of me wants to say Carrie you're nuts for being with him...but, then, we all know how it is when you are completely into someone.

There are so many things I don't understand. I'm completely willing to admit that I do not have all the answers (and to be honest, I have very few answers). So maybe you all lend me some insight on this one...What is it about relationships that gets us so crazy? Why do we feel so much security when somebody else likes us?

I was "crazy" in love once. Completely infatuated. Over the length of the relationship, other things in my life became less important. I began compromising friendships, myself, my faith, etc. in order to be with this person. It didn't matter what I had to do, I just didn't want to lose that feeling of being connected with somebody, of being loved by somebody, of being needed by somebody.

But, I propose fatal attractions, such as these, can never really last. What makes us lose confidence in ourselves and hang around in destructive relationships?

I never want to be "crazy" in love again. Don't get me wrong. I want passion, I want adventure, excitement. But, I don't want my worth, self-esteem, or mood to be determined by an unhealthy relationship. I think it's kind of why I'm so cautious/pensive about dating. I'm afraid of getting caught up in something like that again. I want to be encouraged and supported with my relationship with God. I think expectations should be high. Having a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend has lost any attractive-ness it may, if ever, have had to me.

I feel fairly certain God doesn't want me to end up in a relationship like that either...I just wish I could figure out why so many of us get caught up in them at some point...

Feel Good List

I am totally stealing this from Amulya...

Here's my Feel Good List from Thursday

1. Trying to run out super fast to start my car and falling down after slipping on my snowy front yard because it's so steep, in my robe with wet hair and my dog on her leash...I had to laugh.
2. Hearing "Suddenly I See" on the radio on my way to work...love that song right now
3. Being able to wear a hooded sweatshirt to work (and jeans)
4. An awesome phone call with a friend from my summer in Cleveland who might take a job at my work!
5. Pizza with Kate for din and Fig Newtons at lunch (they are awesome...don't knock 'em!)
6. Realizing I could be out of debt way sooner than I thought! (and still have money to live on during the week :-) )
7. Hot bath with Life of Pi
8. Freshly clean, super soft flannel sheets
9. Coming home to a completely shoveled driveway
10. Signing up for the Flying Pig and the Little Miami 10 Miler...let the racing season begin! (note to self: now would be a good time to get in shape...)

Would You Rather 14

Technology is the best. I love being able to send a quick email, or a text, or an IM. It's so much faster than playing phone tag or speaking in person. But, sometimes, it's so impersonal. I just finished watching the Sex and the City where Burger dumps Carrie by using a post-it note. It's just easier sometimes to not have to confront a person. Even though I'm a lawyer, I don't love confrontation--especially when it involves deep emotions, like love. I've ended one relationship by sending a novel-length email. I thought if I could just write everything I feel, and the reasons I wanted to end the relationship, a face to face meeting for "closure" would not have to take place. I was wrong. It's nice to be able to edit, re-think, and re-phrase your thoughts until they sound really good, make sense, and seem to articulate everything you want to express. But, even then, people still find ambiguity in the words...and still get hurt and offended, no matter how nice the words are. But, OH, the in-person-break-up is so awkward, and words don't come out right, and emotions are high, and there's the potential for tears (or worse yet getting back together because you feel bad--been there, done that)... I guess breaking up really is hard to do:)

So...Would you rather break up with somebody via email or in person?

Update

At work today, the entire campus (that is what you call a 7 building corp. apparently) shut down at 330. We were notified via email...only to be followed up with an email by our department boss telling us to disregard the memo because our dept never shuts down...

maybe you can guess my mood right now...

Snow Day!

So today at work I learned that there is no chance, no matter how bad the blizzard or how icy the roads, that the legal department at my work will ever close. In fact, two years ago when there was a bad snow storm, the company I work for sent out trucks to pick up employees. Wonderful. The hope of a snow day is over. There is nothing like when you are in school watching those schools run across the television screen and hoping for yours to be there. Two days in a row my sister, with whom I live, has had a snow day. I get so jealous, I'm practically mad. But, she is quick to remind me I chose my profession. So, while she is home sleeping in and drinking hot chocolate, I am at work trying to figure out bankruptcy, tax and wills (my assigned area of expertise, feeling totally clueless...grrr). I can't help but think, what was I thinking going to law school/!?!?!?!

Top 10 Reasons I should have been a teacher:

1. June, July, August
2. Snow days and delays
3. Shorter work days (though Katy denies this despite the calculations I did tonight)
4. My student loans would be about 90% less
5. Getting out so early and beating rush hour traffic
6. Friday happy hour with the staff (oh wait, that might be every job ;) )
7. Teacher appreciation breakfasts (in general, a lounge filled with food)
8. Gifts from students at Christmas
9. Being able to pop in a movie when you're tired
10. Spring break, Christmas break, and all national holidays OFF

If I could turn back time....;-)

These Are the Days

This week has been crazy. Crazy busy at work, learning about stuff I thought I'd never have to (but glad I am learning). Crazy late nights with not as much sleep as I'm used to (I'm so an 8 hours a night girl). Crazy cold weather. Crazy good runs. Crazy fun tv (Greys and The Office were awesome tonight). Crazy awesome conversations with new friends. Crazy Super Bowl party at work and team t-shirt day (Go Steelers).

I started this week kind of frustrated, confused, and I'm no less confused today. But, I'm hopeful. On New Years Day I made a resolution to seek out the abundant life--to stop living in the past and planning for the future and just live. Somewhere between then and this week, I started planning again...feeling behind on some abstract timeline created by who knows who. But, after Monday, I decided to wake up and really believe (or at least pray that I could believe) that God really can change the hardest of hearts, that people could become more open by giving them a smile in the hallway, by being more open myself, by being interested in lives other than my own. You see, sometimes I struggle with my own problems, my own shortcomings, and become so obsessed with fixing them before I can really do anything meaningful for anybody else. That somehow I have to become perfect before God can work through me.

This is not so. God can work through my doubt, my cynicism, my failures...but surely not as much when I am so self absorbed. Not that self-reflection is bad. I'm just saying...just because I can't do it all, doesn't mean I shouldn't do anything at all.

Goals are good. But, timelines and ridiculous expectations can keep me too selfish...and prevent so much good from happening... Living the abundant life means really living...now. Not planning for an elusive future, or waiting to become the perfect servant of God...it means doing my best where I am today, listening for God... loving others more and loving myself a little less...

I am reading this post and it is definitely a stream of consciousness...hope it makes a modicum of sense :)

This is one of my favorite songs ... and it's been on repeat on my ipod this week...

These Are the Days

These are the days
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

These are days that you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you

-10,000 Maniacs

Comic Relief

Putting how much you actually owe and spend a month down on paper is pretty scary. Especially if you are like me and you have never really kept track of what you spend, aside from calling the bank to make sure you aren't going to overdraft. Tonight I realized that I pay more for my student loans per month than I do for my car (though I do drive a Saturn:) ). I also almost wrecked that lovely Saturn twice today, but that's a story for another time. Humor is definitely in order. And I figure...if I don't get my finances organized now, well, I might just end up living in a van down by the river! ;-)

Would You Rather 13

Well the Super Bowl is Sunday...and I must say it's definitely not as fun with the Steelers being absent from the big game. But at least I can relax while watching. Last year, I watched with my Dad, sipping IC Light nervously and putting my head under a blanket whenever Ben would pass the ball...

Anyways, a Super Bowl question is in order...so

Would you rather see Peyton Manning finally get a Super Bowl victory OR see the Chicago Bears win their first Super Bowl since 1985?

...You heard it hear first--Colts by 10.

Sometimes

I think I have seasonal affective disorder. Or some form of the mid-winter blahs. Today I woke up cold, huddled under the covers in my bed wishing it was actually Sunday morning and I could sleep for another few hours. Usually, I have no problem waking up, but when it's cold, I just beg and long for a few more minutes in my warm bed. Scarves, gloves, and hats are cute accessories...I just wish I didn't NEED them so much right now!

I am so routine oriented, and it feels exaggerated in the winter. Today, I just wanted to break free of it. Wake up, work out, shower, work, lunch, work, dinner, walk the dog, housework/errands, relax/chill time, and bed. This is my work week (and the next 10 days will be 8 hour meetings daily at work, which means the internet can't even entertain me!) Usually, I love order, I love knowing what's coming next. But, sometimes, something's got to give. I need to change things up, be crazy/bold, and not let what has to get done stand in the way of why I am here and what I am called to do. Today I got antsy...for something more than the "good" life...

My brain was in deep thought mode all day (perhaps because the meetings were so stimulating). I came home and wrote in this journal I have. I read this poem that's in the journal...and it's exactly how I felt today (and a lot of days)...the feeling that sometimes we long for the spontaneous, other times we seek comfort in the routine, that we often feel courageous or powerful and an hour can later feel weak or fearful...that sometimes I know exactly what I want, and then again I don't...(and maybe this is just women ;-) )

Sometimes I surge with power.
Sometimes I am unable to buckle down my euphoria.

Sometimes I feel really terrible.
Sometimes I want to go home.
Sometimes I hate my body.

Sometimes I want someone to love all my faults.
Sometimes I don't want anyone to look at me.

Sometimes I don't say what I feel.
Sometimes I regret what I did.

Sometimes I wish I was six.

-Sabrina Ward Harrison

But, hey...at least I got my taxes done! :-)

Good Luck Jana

Tomorrow my good friend Jana will complete her Praxis 3. From what I understand, this is an evaluation by the state of Ohio on her teaching skills to make sure she is competent and such. A few of us went to her adorable classroom and helped her clean stuff up (Extreme Makeover, school classroom edition-as Sarah put it) and get psyched up for the big day:) (note the organized books, Sarah and I had an incredible time sorting through literally 500+ books;) ) Here are some pics of the finished classroom...





So, GOOD LUCK MISS ORWIG:) I hope your students behave like angels and you wow that evaluator with your teaching skills!!

finally

TGIF!!

it's been that kind of week...and getting drenched fixing my toilet when the hose burst open in the tank tonight was the just the tip of the iceberg... BRING ON the weekend!

Doubt It

I think it’s hard sometimes to forge ahead during times of doubt and questioning in our lives. Life feels great when I’m cruising through good times and making good decisions and when I feel close to God. Often, though, I go through periods of doubt where I literally question everything about my faith. I get frustrated, I try to wrap my mind around all the questions I have.

I believe doubt is healthy. Doubt can be great. But, doubt can also be debilitating. Doubt is useful when it challenges me to seek answers, go deeper, ask questions of smart people, and move forward. If when I am questioning, I am not also seeking answers, then I just stay in the same place. I'm not pursuing knowledge or understanding. In my personal experience, doubt has led to enormous growth. But, doubt can't be where we stay forever. A stagnant faith goes nowhere.

I am currently rereading The Life of Pi for this book club I am in. I read it about 3 years ago. It really makes you think. I came across this passage yesterday and it says exactly what I’m trying to say:):


“Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted to doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.” (P. 28)

Would You Rather 12

In May it will be nearly a year since I have gone on a date. This isn't necessarily a conscious choice, but after a long period of making some, shall we say, interesting dating/relationship choices I have decided to be more selective/careful about who(m)? I go out with. (and three months studying for the bar exam is in there, so that doesn't count;) ) But, it begs the question, are no dates better than many dates that lead nowhere?

So, from your perspective...

Would you rather go on a date with anyone who asks OR take the risk of having no dates at all?

No Pain No Gain

I'm really not sure what happened to me. I woke up Sunday to 3 inches of snow on the ground, no streets plowed, and no chance of driving my car out of my neighborhood. (well that is until I got a little phone call from someone stranded at a McDonald's;) )

In light of the snow, I decided that running outside was out of the question and driving to my gym was definitely not going to happen considering how well I drive in snow. (In case you can't tell, I kind of freak out if I can't work out) So I decided to do something I haven't done since college, and even then only one time. Tae Bo. Now if you know me at all, you should know I don't do aerobics classes, and to be honest it's a stretch for me to go to a spinning class. Anyway, I opted for the advanced DVD, because, well, apparently I thought I was an advanced kick boxer. I thought wrong.

I woke up on Monday barely able to move. My back is incredibly stiff. My right shoulder is killing me (I'm pretty sure Billy Blanks didn't figure out equal repetitions on each side or else I got my right and left mixed up). It was nearly impossible for me to make my bed. I'm not sure what I did on Sunday, but I am nearly positive I wasn't doing it right.

So I went on a run Monday morning thinking I would losen my body up. Wrong again. By 10:30 at work I thought I was going to have to go down and schedule a chair massage over in another building. I spent the rest of the day sitting back on my fist placed in various places on my back. It was not pleasant. You never realize how much you use your back until it is sore!
I learned a few valuable lessons Sunday:

1. I will no longer make fun of kick boxing classes. They are hard. Clearly I am not coordinated enough to do it correctly.
2. The Tae Bo DVDs I have make nice frisbees for my dog.
3. Flinging your arms and legs about super fast isn't a good workout. It's a good recipe for back strain.
4. I can't kick very high.
5. If you've only ever done kickboxing once, you are not advanced. Not at all.
6. Just because Billy can leap and kick his legs parallel to the ground does not mean you can. Don't try.
7. I will stick with running. One foot in front of the other, I can handle that.
8. It is time to start harrassing Katy to buy a hot tub. My muscles need it.

So, if anybody wants some Tae Bo advanced DVDs, let me know...they are yours:) In the meantime, a hot bath will hopefully do the trick!

Il faut chercher avec le coeur

When I was in high school, I read Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince) in my AP French class. It's basically a children's book, but it is quite profound. I came across my old copy when I was organizing/re-doing my room this weekend. I flipped through it and recalled the passages I loved (mostly because they were underlined in red with English translations penciled in). It's a story about a man (the author) stranded in the Sahara desert who comes across a prince (who if I remember correctly is from another galaxy). The author/narrator explains to the prince how ridiculous mankind is, and how adults often miss the point that children so easily understand. The prince offers his own advice/thoughts--and those passages are just beautiful. (and way more beautiful spoken in French, rather than English)

Perhaps the most famous passage, said by the Little Prince:

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur, l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux"
(It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye).

I really love this one, though:

"Quand on a terminé sa toilette du matin, il faut faire soigneusement la toilette de la planète."
(When you've finished getting yourself ready in the morning, you must go get the planet ready.)

But, my personal favorite:

"Ce qui embellit le désert, dit le petit prince, c'est qu'il cache un puits quelque part..."
(What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well.)

Even in a place as dry and void of life as a desert, there is hope. In the book, the desert is where the narrator encounters the Little Prince. There, the narrator has this deep, contemplative discussions about love, life, and hypocrisy of the world. In the desert, and after his encounter with the Little Prince, the narrator gains hope.

Sometimes I think it takes removing ourselves from the crazy distractions of day to day life to remind ourselves of the great hope we have. Sometimes being in the "desert" is what it takes to remember hope, because when we're in the desert, we are forced to search for the well. We have no choice. We have nothing else to rely on or substitute.

I might be stretching this...but I LOVE this book. Get a copy, read it. And if you don't know French, well they certainly publish translated versions...so no excuses! :)

It's Time

I love laying at the beach. I love swimming in the ocean. I love sandals, sun-kissed skin, swimming pools, sunglasses, and everything summer. I love the challenge of eating ice cream before it melts because it's so hot outside. So what I'm about to write next may come as a surprise.
I want to learn how to ski. I have heard all the hype about how fun it is. I remember when my sister went in high school and got tricked into going on one of the steepest slopes. I can't believe my sister has done something I haven't! That's reason enough :) It's one of those things people always put on the "pro" list for winter. I want to go out there and give it a try. I'm super clutzy, always cold, and not the most coordinated person ever, but I think I can do it:) My friend Holly has offered me lessons. (I think mostly it's because she knows I will provide entertainment with my falls!) And I can't wait!
So now all we need is some snow...

i'll be seeing you

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."
-Noah, The Notebook

There is this couple that comes to my gym. They are probably in their mid to late 70s. On their way in, he carries his wife's bag and water bottle in, and still manages to keep his arm around her. They do their own thing at the gym--she swims and he walks on the treadmill. But when they leave, once again he's holding her things and getting her door for her. They smile at each other constantly. It's adorable. It reminded me of my grandparents on my Dad's side. My grandma and grandpa were completely in love until the day he died. Always holding hands, singing together, they really complimented each other.

Anyway...The Notebook is definitely pretty high up there on my favorite movies list. (Especially when I'm feeling like I need a good cry--I have seen it at least 6 times and each time, I can't stop myself from literally sobbing) I popped the DVD in tonight and had myself a good 2 hour cry. (puffy eyes will look good at work tomorrow) I love that they adore each other till they die. I love their passion and that it doesn't end after 3 years apart. I think it's so beautiful how dedicated Noah is to Allie, no matter what. I know it's a movie...but couples like the one at my gym, and my grandparents, they give me hope that love like that exists somewhere.

Would You Rather 11

There are some long days I can't wait to come home, stretch out on the couch and not move until I go to bed, except maybe to get the remote. I have some friends who have "those" kind of days and need a Marion's pizza and beer (I will NEVER pass that offer up, fyi:) ). But what happens when things REALLY go bad? I remember a few years back when my heart was completely broken (crushed to bits). I lost 10 lbs in like 10 days. I would lay awake and watch the clock and wait for it to be time for the gym to be open. Working out was the only thing that kept me going. Whenever I am super stressed, I have to run or do something. Talking with friends is great, and I definitely think that's important....but I have to have my own time to sort things out first.

So, when your world crashes in...


Would you rather eat a huge bowl of Graeter's ice cream (or other comfort food of choice) and talk it out with friends OR go for a long run/other mind cleansing exercise of your choice and kind of keep to yourself for a bit?

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

“I think there’s just one kind of folks. Folks.”
-Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 23, spoken by Scout

To Kill a Mockingbird is my favorite fiction book of all time. I don’t really see it losing it’s #1 spot ever. I nearly lost it last spring when I was coaching track and these students told me how boring they thought the book was. It made me feel really old.

I often find myself classifying people immediately after I meet them. (And I’m sure people do the same to me.) Some people I think are outgoing, or maybe reserved, some are very including, others are not. I make judgments quickly, often without even getting a clue into a person’s story. I think I have people figured out, and even if I am right a lot of the time, I think people are much more than that. I mean, really, aren’t we all confident and insecure, fearful and brave, selfish and gracious?

More times than not, I am too quick to place a person in a box and fail to really understand that person’s story. I was perusing The World According to Mister Rogers (ok, seriously, how do you underline in blog world?), a book of quotations by Mr. Rogers gathered together by his wife after his death. In the foreword, his wife writes:
"A quote he loved especially – and carried around with him – was from Mary Lou Kownacki: “There isn’t anyone you couldn’t love once you’ve heard their story.” There were many times I wanted to be angry at someone, and Fred would say, “But I wonder what was going on in that person’s day.” His capacity for understanding always amazed me. "

I love that. It makes complete sense. Unless we are void of compassion or empathy, I really think even just knowing a smidge more about somebody’s circumstances helps us to understand/love them more.

People are people. I think if I want to relate to people and have more meaningful relationships, I have to be more understanding—of where they are coming from, of where they’ve been. And I really believe the way to do that is to spend time listening, asking questions, and being open.

I can’t believe I just referenced Mr. Rogers…

Who Knew?

Lists are awesome. My desk at work is covered with lists. I just got a new planner and I love that it has a "to do" list section. I think it's fun to fill it up with tasks, and even more fun to check them off! So here's a list for you all to enjoy...

25 Things That You May Not Know About Me:

1. I sing in the car, nonstop.
2. I have to have my pillows arranged a certain way before I can fall asleep (and they are refluffed and repositionedevery night)
3. I have fallen off a treadmill 4 times while running at full speed (on a cruise ship someone asked me if I was part of the entertainment)
4. I had my picture taken and took a class with Justice Scalia in Rhodes, Greece.
5. I used to be terrified of dogs. (a good way to overcome your fear is to buy one! it worked for me :) )
6. I have hit 6 parked cars (but 3 times were in my driveway at home hitting my dad's car--if that makes it better)
7. To go along with number 6, it took me 3 times to pass my driving test. The third time WAS the charm.
8. I am slightly obsessed with working out. Ok, neurotic.
9. I push snooze twice every morning. And I set my alarm 20 minutes early so I have enough time to have 2 snoozes.
10. I am afraid of the dark. When I take the trash out at night I sprint it out to the curb and sprint back to the house. If I am home alone at night, I leave a light on so the robbers know somebody is home:)
11. I get nervous going to the eye doctor. Well, all doctors really.
12. I don't get vegetarians.
13. I hate mushrooms and olives, love black licorice, and am starting to love red wine.
14. I like cleaning out my closet and re-organizing it. Really, I like cleaning in general...I cleaned my soap bottle today...
15. I LOVE that feeling of being really cold and then getting into bed and trying to get warm. It is the best.
16. I compete with people at the gym. If someone is on a treadmill next to me, I am peeking to see how fast they are going. If they are going faster, my speed increases.
17. I love the feeling after you've spent the day swimming in the ocean. Your body still feels like you are in the waves. If you don't know what I am talking about, you NEED to.
18. I cry when I watch tv (and movies). Notable cries--the opening scene in Love Actually; last week's grey's; Oprah's Christmas in Africa show; this new JIF commercial--gets me every time.
19. My roommate in college once made me sign a pact not to kiss a guy we called chin hair while she was abroad for a semester.
20. I sometimes wish I lived in a big city and had to get rid of my car and walk everywhere.
21. I have never dyed my hair. (But I have permed it...c'mon it was the 80s)
22. I have never had a relationship last longer than 2 years. (unless you count "breaks" and "try-agains")
23. I am one minute older than my twin. I think the maturity is self-evident.
24. I really love planting flowers and landscaping. Last summer, my Dad let me do a chunk of our front yard. It was a big deal.
25. When I'm nervous, I grind my teeth in my sleep and wake up with a headache. (This made studying for the bar super fun.)

There. You know me better already, huh?! :)

Go Run :)

I have noticed a lot more people at my gym. It takes longer than ever to get on an eliptical (no idea if I spelled that right) or a treadmill. I am guessing that in about 6 weeks all that will change. New year's resolutions will be forgotten, television will beckon people back to their couches and I won't have to wait for a treadmill.

In light of all the hype surrounding getting in shape in 2007, I say that the absolute BEST way to get in shape is to go running. Running is the ultimate sport. It takes athleticism, endurance, guts, strength (I got in a nasty argument once with someone who suggested running wasn't a sport...). Almost every sport includes running as a fundamental way to get in shape, or way to get the ball down the court/field.

Here's what I don't get--so many people I talk to hate running. I really don't understand that at all. It's something you can get better at even if you have very little talent. You can ALWAYS improve. In basketball for instance, no matter how much I practice, I will only reach a certain level of skill because, well, I am not very cooridnated. But with running (and swimming), you can continue to improve. You can run new courses, beat your time from before, try different distances. I have this theory that the reason people hate running is because every coach uses it as a form of punishment. Late to practice again? Go run 20 laps. Played a bad game? A practice full of running is in store. What if instead of forcing kids to run, coaches forced them to do something else (like throw foul shots!)? Remember being young and running everywhere? It was fun...somewhere along the way it got too hard, too tiring.

But, you say, running is boring. How can running be boring? It's one of the best ways to explore a new city. The first time I went to Europe, I woke up extra early and ran in each city we stopped in. It was AWESOME. (though i was a little afraid of the men I found in the streets of Florence at 630 am). Besides, now you can just get your ipod out and you can have music entertain you during the entire run.

You never need special equipment to go running. Do you have legs? A pair of shoes? Some sweat pants? Then you can go running. I propose it's the best lifetime sport there is. I sure am glad I was born to a track coach :)

Love It

This may be my favorite love song of all time. At the very least it is in the top 5. (Think High Fidelity, this would definitely make my list.) Everybody should dowload it, listen to it and love it. Sometimes songs can capture exactly what we dream of. This one does just that for me. I think I'm ending a pretty highly cynical/bitter period of my life regarding my attitude toward men. In fact, I listened to this song tonight without thinking to myself, "riiiiight." This is progress for me, believe me! I was kind of shocked. Anyway, I hope someday I can meet someone who has even slightly this much passion....that'd be great.

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

-Bob Dylan

Would you Rather 10

I will be cooking dinner tonight. And by cooking I don't mean my usual heating up a lean cuisine or buying takeout chipotle and putting it on a plate or baking a potato and cracking open a diet dr. pepper. I have to cook a REAL MEAL. I have a few ideas. I will let YOU decide...thrilling, I know :)

So, taking into consideration I will be cooking, would you rather eat:

Lasagna (we are talking meat lasagna here, vegetarians prob. won't find much too eat if I am cooking), salad and garlic bread OR filet, green beans, and twice baked potatoes???

Let's Kill all the Lawyers

I am taking this post to educate everybody (ok, the three people who read my blog) about perhaps one of the most often quoted lawyer jokes. In Shakespeare's Henry VI a character (Dick the butcher) says "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."

Contrary to popular belief, Shakespeare was ACTUALLY paying a compliment to lawyers! Lawyers stood in the way of tyranny and protected society.The surest way to chaos was to get rid of those important persons who guard free thought.

So now you know. Killing all the lawyers is actually a compliment:) Next time you are ready to pull out a lawyer joke, use something else, like this:
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
-His lips are moving.

SHOW UP

I had the chance to catch up with one of my greatest friends this weekend. We have both been through our share of junk, as has everyone I suppose. I think it sucks sometimes how all that junk brings with it a lot of emotional consequences that you never thought you bargained for. We become fearful, insecure, and frustrated with ourselves. I really think there is great power in acknowledging the mistakes, the bad decisions, the whatever else--and then moving on. It takes courage, for sure, and time, certainly...and a constant reminder of GRACE.


"Life is a growing expedition through the tangled and unfilled in parts. What happens after age nine? Because of the fear we don't trust our own life? Our story? Our colors? To be afraid and leap regardless there is such a pwer in that. To live into the questions of our lives--when nothing feels clear. We have this chance to do absolutely anything, to reach out to another, vulnerable and true. To dance on the roof in euphoria. To pray into the ocean and let go. We have this chance every moment to be alive and give to this world, which needs each one of us. We must show up for our own life. Be brave. Be messy. Be loud. Be strong. Trust yourself."
--Sabrina Ward Harrison ( I kind of love her stuff)

So long Coach

Whatever the reasons for his resigning, Bill Cowher will be missed by Pittsburgh fans. In a sport where players and coaches are constantly changing teams, Cowher (and well the Pittsburgh franchise all together) is an example of how coaching continuity will breed success. Hopefully he will be replaced by someone with as much passion, arrogance (c'mon it's necessary to win), and love for the city of Pittsburgh as Cowher.



"Now he has that championship, you have to consider him one of the best coaches ever. We're a tough-minded, physical, hard-nosed team - we reflect our coach's character."
-Jerome Bettis (on Bill Cowher, after winning the Super Bowl)

Read It

I came across this at work yesterday (while I was working hard, dang it's hard being a lawyer!) and thought it was interesting...

Have a good weekend everybody. I'll be spending it babysitting the two most adorable kids :)

Isabelle Ringing? Is she available?

Technology is great. I love text messaging, IM-ing, emailing, etc. Voice mail is great. Call waiting is even better. But, by far, the best is caller ID. Is there anything better than seeing the number of your stalker ex flashing across your screen and being like HA, ignore!? Or being able to screen the call of the person who you KNOW will end up making a 5 minute story into a 50 minute analysis of the 5 minute story? It's great.

I started thinking, though, that with all this new technology, one of my favorite childhood (ok adulthood too) activities is going to be outdated soon. The prank call. How can you prank call somebody when he/she knows you are calling? Or when they screen the call because it says "restricted" or is some number they don't know? (Although I am a sucker for the restricted call...I have to know who it is--which is why I got pranked successfully on New Years--very clever!)

A friend of mine is an expert pranker. He actually got a friend of ours to repeat her credit card number over the phone saying she didn't pay her bar tab. It was hilarious. It makes me sad to think his skills won't be recognized much longer.
I was never very good at prank calls. I always ended cracking up laughing or was the person in the background laughing.

Bart's prank calls to Moe's are awesome on The Simpsons. One of my faves:
Bart: Can I speak to Seymour Butz please?
Moe: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Hilarious!

So did you ever make a really good prank call? Or, better yet, get pranked yourself? Well, you better preserve those memories, because I am willing to bet this is one pastime that may just be fading away....:)

(Note--this is NOT referring to the stalker-ish prank calls where you call and hang up 20 times in a row on the guy/girl who broke your heart...that should be avoided at all costs and is NEVER cool!)

Would You Rather 9

Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?

-Indiana Jones

I realized I went from week 6 to week 8 with no number 7. Did that make any sense? Anyway, I am making up for the slip up with 2 questions for today.

I found a spider in my shower this morning and re-confirmed how much I HATE dealing with bugs--especially at 7AM, but I am not necessarily scared of them in the way I am scared of snakes. I can honestly say snakes frighten me more than most anything.
Would you rather:

Hold a non-poisonous snake for 10 minutes OR Sleep in a room that has three spiders crawling on the walls?

Bonus:

Beverly Hills 90210 and Party of Five were some of my favorite shows when I was in high school. Now DVD has brought them back in my life once again. I thought for sure I would marry someone just like Brandon Walsh, who knows maybe I will :) And Scott Wolfe wasn't so bad either... So the bonus--

Would you rather:

Be an orphan, but live with all your siblings who work hard to make sure everything's ok OR Live the high life in Beverly Hills, but have to deal with drugs, sex, and the possibility of falling asleep and getting sunburned right before prom??

Resolutions?

I'm not really one for New Year's resolutions. I have had a crazy year. I've ended some relationships, shifted the focus in my life (or at least am trying to!), and basically got off the roller coaster ride that had been my life for the last 3+ years. I started this journal and came across this poem and decided to adopt it as my new year's resolution/philosophy/attitude. I'm tired of playing the game that seems to be expected when you are in your mid-twenties. I'm exhausted from planning for some elusive future and dwelling in past mistakes/failures/heartaches. Instead, I want to live now. Today. I am seeking the abundant life God promises and the only way I know to do that is to live right now. The abundant life isn't waiting for us, it's not a destination to be reached. I am choosing to live that life now, this year, today.

Happy New Year everybody!


It seems we apologize so often for ourselves
We catch ourselves carefully constructing our actions
Keep the love steady--the acceptance strong--the understanding in place
I want to give it up
Fall out of line
Allow the way it goes
Telling the truth is like exposing the underside of our wings--we see that part only when we fly.

We all have to show up for our own lives. We all at our own age have to claim something, even if it is only our own confusion.
--Sabrina Ward Harrison