You still feel bitter because people weren't grateful for something you gave them, you still feel jealous of those who are better paid than you are, you still want to take revenge on someone who didn't respect you, you are still disappointed that you've received no letter, still angry because someone didn't smile when you walked by. You live through it; you live along with it as though it didn't really bother you...until the moment you want to pray. Then everything returns: the bitterness, the hate, the jealousy, the disappointment, and the desire for revenge. But, these feelings are not just there; you clutch them in your hands as if they were treasures you didn't want to part with. You sit rummaging in all that old sourness as if you can't do without it, as if in giving it up, you would lose your very self.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen
Exactly 6 months ago, I challenged myself to pray for 10 minutes a day. I literally set my cell phone alarm the first few days because I discovered I had no concept of how long 10 minutes really was. Maybe to you this seems a little weird, or maybe you think 10 minutes could never be enough time to speak a deep, heart felt prayer to God. Maybe you think it's nuts to set up a rigid, set amount of time for prayer. But, let me provide some context.
Like any relationship, my relationship with God has had its own, unique ups and downs. And with that, my prayer life has kind of had its own ebb and flow. When I first became a Christian, I had a very formulaic way of praying--1. Tell God how much I loved Him and how amazing He was 2. Confess how rotten I was and all the bad things I had done 3. Thank God for forgiving me and for making the flowers and the trees (ok kidding) 4. Lift up my laundry list of prayers. I would write down each request in my little journal, and then jot down what happened and how God "answered" my prayer. I'm not saying this was bad at all. But, it wasn't very natural.
In college, my prayer life became more natural. I prayed a lot. I wrote long, detailed journal entries where I would be praying and wrestling with difficult questions and truly seeking answers. My faith grew. It was good. Then my world crashed. I completely hit rock bottom (I'm not going into that here). My prayers became desperate pleas for God to change circumstances, for God to explain Himself, for God to make things fair. I felt like God was punishing me, like he had abandoned me.
God became a distant relative, not my Father. My relationship with God was hurting. I was thoroughly confused. And I spent my time in law school avoiding the issue, finding cheap substitutes, and trying to figure out why the heck I felt so far from a God I knew in my heart loved me. During this time, my prayers consisted of, again, desperate pleas to "fix" things after I would mess stuff up. I remember praying things like "God, I know life isn't supposed to be like this. What is wrong with me? Why did you make me like this--so weak?" But, I did nothing to take steps toward Him. I held on to my resentment and pain and used it to build a wall between myself and God. The hurtful experiences defined me. I was afraid to let them go for fear that somehow, I would lose myself.
Last May, as I was preparing for the Bar exam, I decided enough was enough. The cheap substitutes were just that. I committed to studying my butt off (check!), and to letting go of all the anger, resentment, and jealousy that had created this huge void between me and God. I prayed hard this summer for change. (And if you know me, I don't love change...so that was huge for me :)) I prayed for God to restore the excitement and passion for Jesus I had once claimed so strongly. And He did.
So, back to my 10 min prayer deal. I opted for this rather rigid, disciplined route because my relationship with God needed to be mended. I needed to restore my trust, to learn to relinquish control (definitely have not mastered that), to accept/truly believe that the abundant life God is giving me is way better than anything I can/could create for myself. By requiring 10 minutes of myself, I gave myself the opportunity to be changed. Even if those 10 minutes consisted of me explaining to God how much I doubted my ability to surrender control, or how annoyed I was at my circumstances, or whatever, it was 10 minutes spent with God.
A relationship isn't going to grow or, in my case, mend if I refuse to communicate with the other person. And this is where prayer gets tricky...because sometimes it can honestly feel like you are communicating to God with no response, which can be frustrating.
Now don't get me wrong. If you are around me at all, you know I can be quite cynical, and am not exactly "bitter-free." But, I am 100 times closer than I was a year ago. And I desire to continue moving in the right direction.
6 months later and I am amazed. I cried this morning reading this reflection on prayer by Nouwen. Slowly, God has taken the things I gripped so tightly and shook them lose from my hands. And I realize that the future will bring many more "things" that I will want to hold onto and let define me. But, I really believe that through consistent, honest prayer, God can step in before my grip gets so tight that it takes years to loosen it.
I think prayer is hard. It's scary to be honest and real with all the junk that consumes us. At least it is for me. I don't get into fake, flowery prayer. My time would be better spent watching The Office. But, when we aren't afraid to surrender the crap, the hurt, the guilt, and whatever else and just let God have it, I think then we can experience freedom.
Don't be afraid of the One who wants to enter your most intimate space and invite you to let go of what you are clinging to so anxiously. Don't be afraid to offer your hate, bitterness, disappointment, to the One who is love and only love. Even if you know you have little to show, don't be afraid to let it be seen.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen
-Henri J.M. Nouwen
Exactly 6 months ago, I challenged myself to pray for 10 minutes a day. I literally set my cell phone alarm the first few days because I discovered I had no concept of how long 10 minutes really was. Maybe to you this seems a little weird, or maybe you think 10 minutes could never be enough time to speak a deep, heart felt prayer to God. Maybe you think it's nuts to set up a rigid, set amount of time for prayer. But, let me provide some context.
Like any relationship, my relationship with God has had its own, unique ups and downs. And with that, my prayer life has kind of had its own ebb and flow. When I first became a Christian, I had a very formulaic way of praying--1. Tell God how much I loved Him and how amazing He was 2. Confess how rotten I was and all the bad things I had done 3. Thank God for forgiving me and for making the flowers and the trees (ok kidding) 4. Lift up my laundry list of prayers. I would write down each request in my little journal, and then jot down what happened and how God "answered" my prayer. I'm not saying this was bad at all. But, it wasn't very natural.
In college, my prayer life became more natural. I prayed a lot. I wrote long, detailed journal entries where I would be praying and wrestling with difficult questions and truly seeking answers. My faith grew. It was good. Then my world crashed. I completely hit rock bottom (I'm not going into that here). My prayers became desperate pleas for God to change circumstances, for God to explain Himself, for God to make things fair. I felt like God was punishing me, like he had abandoned me.
God became a distant relative, not my Father. My relationship with God was hurting. I was thoroughly confused. And I spent my time in law school avoiding the issue, finding cheap substitutes, and trying to figure out why the heck I felt so far from a God I knew in my heart loved me. During this time, my prayers consisted of, again, desperate pleas to "fix" things after I would mess stuff up. I remember praying things like "God, I know life isn't supposed to be like this. What is wrong with me? Why did you make me like this--so weak?" But, I did nothing to take steps toward Him. I held on to my resentment and pain and used it to build a wall between myself and God. The hurtful experiences defined me. I was afraid to let them go for fear that somehow, I would lose myself.
Last May, as I was preparing for the Bar exam, I decided enough was enough. The cheap substitutes were just that. I committed to studying my butt off (check!), and to letting go of all the anger, resentment, and jealousy that had created this huge void between me and God. I prayed hard this summer for change. (And if you know me, I don't love change...so that was huge for me :)) I prayed for God to restore the excitement and passion for Jesus I had once claimed so strongly. And He did.
So, back to my 10 min prayer deal. I opted for this rather rigid, disciplined route because my relationship with God needed to be mended. I needed to restore my trust, to learn to relinquish control (definitely have not mastered that), to accept/truly believe that the abundant life God is giving me is way better than anything I can/could create for myself. By requiring 10 minutes of myself, I gave myself the opportunity to be changed. Even if those 10 minutes consisted of me explaining to God how much I doubted my ability to surrender control, or how annoyed I was at my circumstances, or whatever, it was 10 minutes spent with God.
A relationship isn't going to grow or, in my case, mend if I refuse to communicate with the other person. And this is where prayer gets tricky...because sometimes it can honestly feel like you are communicating to God with no response, which can be frustrating.
Now don't get me wrong. If you are around me at all, you know I can be quite cynical, and am not exactly "bitter-free." But, I am 100 times closer than I was a year ago. And I desire to continue moving in the right direction.
6 months later and I am amazed. I cried this morning reading this reflection on prayer by Nouwen. Slowly, God has taken the things I gripped so tightly and shook them lose from my hands. And I realize that the future will bring many more "things" that I will want to hold onto and let define me. But, I really believe that through consistent, honest prayer, God can step in before my grip gets so tight that it takes years to loosen it.
I think prayer is hard. It's scary to be honest and real with all the junk that consumes us. At least it is for me. I don't get into fake, flowery prayer. My time would be better spent watching The Office. But, when we aren't afraid to surrender the crap, the hurt, the guilt, and whatever else and just let God have it, I think then we can experience freedom.
Don't be afraid of the One who wants to enter your most intimate space and invite you to let go of what you are clinging to so anxiously. Don't be afraid to offer your hate, bitterness, disappointment, to the One who is love and only love. Even if you know you have little to show, don't be afraid to let it be seen.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen
p.s. thank God for some cancelled meetings at work this morning so I had time to post :)
1 comment:
We need to talk about this on our run (I'm sure we'll have time, even if we don't have breath support). God led me to these passages and others in two of Nouwen's books several months back on a personal retreat (all silence, all prayer/meditation, all the time). They were profound and have ushered a period of change, however difficult, into my life. Looking forward to it, but I may need to save the heavy stuff for the downhill section :)
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