cursed?

When I was younger, my dad always drove Volvo station-wagons. He drove his last Volvo on the day it blew up on the highway. True story. My dad smelled smoke, pulled over, jumped out, and poof-up in flames the car went. All he salvaged was his burnt up license (which he didn't replace until the expiration date).

The important part of this story--my dad had only one payment left on the car. Since then, not only has my dad switched car makers, but he leases his cars. He and my mom constantly go back and forth about leasing v. buying. Each has their pros and cons. But, for my dad, this little piece of bad luck was enough to change his car-purchasing habits for life.

I say this all because I am 2 car payments away from having my car completely paid off. In fact, I owe less than $500 on my car. It is actually worth a decent amount (I checked the Kelly Blue Book today!). BUT in the past few months, and even moreso this past month, everything that can go wrong with my car has. 

Ok, maybe that's not completely true. But in the last 6 months, I've had my side mirror replaced ($100) windshield replaced (due to giant crack-$150), new wiper rod thingies (at a wopping $300), new brakes ($400) and routine maintenance, including 2 oil changes and a 60K mile check up. I desperately need new tires and to have my hood release fixed, but have held off as these are not "essential" and I simply am not made of money.

Today, I left work, and heard something flapping on my car roof. The trim between my windshield and roof was flapping about and has come "unglued". Well, all I know is I came "unglued" when I realized yet ANOTHER thing was wrong with my car. My uncle, who knows a lot about cars, but unfortunately lives in the middle of nowhere near Dayton, reassured me that my windshield wasn't going anywhere--but that my car might leak if it rains. Sweet. I'm sure it won't rain anytime soon during SPRING IN OHIO.

Oh well. The moral of the story--I think I have my Dad's luck. What to do...hang on to my little saturn and hope it lasts a few years so I can pay off some debt or get rid of the little moneysucker. 

All I know is thank god it isn't supposed to rain tomorrow. I also think I should be buying stock in Saturn for how much money I spend at their service shop.

the big picture

As much as I wish I weren't, I am definitely a type "A" personality. I obsessively make lists. Adhering to a schedule brings me comfort. I am a control freak. I like things done my way. I compulsively analyze stuff.

I think my personality is the reason my job is very stressful for me. I try so hard to be in control of everything, but there is so much that happens in a case that I simply cannot manage. I can't do everything and I have to rely on other people to do their job right--and that's hard for me, particularly when they don't do their job right. 

On Thursday, I tried something new. You might think this is cheesey, but it really did work. Each time I took a little break--whether it was a ride down the elevator or a trip to the bathroom, I recited silently to myself Psalm 46:10 (be still and know I am God). 

All it took was a moment for me to remind myself everything--work, relationships, finances, the future--everything is under God's control. Yes, God puts us in situations and presents us with opportunities to be available for Him to reach the people of this world, but, He is still in charge. God is much bigger than the petty stuff I allow myself to be consumed by at times. 

In those short moments, I was able to remind myself God doesn't want me spending my time obsessing over why my Motion didn't make it to Stark County overnight even though the DHL receipts indicate otherwise. He wants me to calm down, to feel free, and to know He is God. 

you're (i'm) so vain.

My evening started with a trip to the gym. I belong to UC's rec center. Usually, I go to the gym first thing in the morning at 6:00a.m., but this morning I just could not wake up, so around 6:00p.m. I began my workout. As I was walking in I noticed how full of people the campus was. There were people studying in the amphitheater area, people just walking around talking...it all made me slightly reminiscent about my own college days. It also made me feel old. 

It got worse. Usually when I'm at the gym in the morning, it is not crowded at all, and most of the people there at 6:00a.m. are not students. They are professors or staff or community members, like myself. But tonight at the gym, it was like all the gorgeous, young, thin people were working out. Not only did I feel old, but I felt anything but attractive.  While on the indoor track running I vowed to get some cute workout clothes if I was ever going to come back at that time. (At one point, I found myself highly critical of this young girl in these extremely short shorts doing what I considered to be quite risky leg lifts considering what she was wearing. Then, I so hate to admit this, I realized I was being so critical not because I cared what she was wearing but because I was slightly jealous of the attention she was getting. Oh Lord..I can't even believe I wrote that...scary, right?)

Of course, it's ridiculous, and incredibly vain. I'm not that old. I won't be 27 until August. I'm not overweight. I'm actually in pretty good shape and could probably run much longer than most of the people in that gym. I don't think I'm an ugly person. But that isn't the point. Sometimes I just have these moments where I realize I'm not invincible and getting old isn't that far off. And it scares me. I'm scared of not feeling attractive because I'm not young anymore. I think especially as a woman in a world where looks are so important, getting old can be rather frightening. It can feel like a loss of power and status, and at times sadly enough, a loss of identity. No wonder the beauty industry is so vast. 

The original point of my post was that I just don't feel old. Honestly, I still feel stuck in time at maybe like 14 or 15 years old. Sometimes I can't believe I'm a lawyer or that I have a license to drive a car or that I have a paycheck. After the gym I came home to my roommate and my sister eating dinner with some of their friends from college. They were all commenting on who was getting married and who was having babies. But, it just seems nuts. I don't feel old enough for any of that--and I don't think my friends are old enough either. But, we are, right? 

It's just weird. It's weird getting older and it's weird coming to grips with the fact that what we see isn't lasting. 

And I think the most important thing in all of this is just remembering what my identity really is. It's so easy to get caught up in all this worldly, non-lasting junk. But following Christ means being free from all that. And I think that's pretty cool. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

-2 Corinthians 4:16, 18

simple pleasures

-Fiona falling asleep in my lap while we were praying during our Women's Group...maybe she was praying too ;-)

-feeling sore from working out

-beating Steve in 2 out of 3 games of Jeopardy on Saturday (ok one of the wins is "contested"...but still, I've been on a bad losing streak, it was nice to grab a victory or two)

-today was the last cold day. enough said.

-finally getting my task list at work down to a manageable level (for now)

-skyline dip + strawberries & angel food cake + chips/salsa + leftover Dewey's pizza = great night

-reliving Battleship and the game of Life this weekend with my niece and nephew--those games are AWESOME

-flowers blooming everywhere (text bouquets make it even sweeter ;-) )

-two Lifetime movies in 24 hours

-i will be on a beach for 10 days in a row in less than 58 days...mmm.

life is good.

worst case scenario

On Wednesday, my roomate and her boyfriend took my dog on a little "road trip" down to see her boyfriend's dog. On the way, they put the window down so Fiona could stick her head out (apparently every dog's dream). I've never let her do that before--I've always feared she would either: a. get something in her eye or b. jump out the window and be gone forever. Steve was quick to tell me it wasn't fair to deny Fiona the joy of feeling the wind through her fur just because I was afraid something might happen. Is Fiona being safe worth denying her exciting experiences like sticking her head out of the window in a car and instead relegating her to stare out the window on the back of the couch?

I know it's so silly! But, I was thinking today that my typical approach to relationships/friendships is sort of similar. Instead of being open, hopeful, and trusting; I'm defensive, closed off, and anxious. I call it the "worst-case scenario" approach. I prepare myself for the worst possible thing that could happen...and basically wait for it. In the meantime, I protect myself as best I can. 

But, I'm kind of tired of this method. And I think it's emotionally immature. Sure, it makes sense that when you've been lied to, treated poorly, or had your heart broken you will guard yourself more carefully, but I think at some point the past just needs to be let go. I can't have a  healthy relationship if I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. I won't be trusting and open--two things no relationship can survive without. 

Anyway, it would be ridiculous if I stopped driving my car because I was afraid I would get in a wreck. It's silly for me to stop running outside because there's a chance I could get attacked. And in the same regard, it's stupid to not be trusting, graceful, and open in a relationship just because something bad might happen or has happened in the past. 

I don't know what it is about our hearts getting broken that is so incredibly scary. In other areas of our life we want to risk and lead adventurous lives. But, with our hearts--mine in particular--I flip into self-defense mode.  I  think I miss out when I approach relationships by envisioning the worst case scenario, instead of focusing on what is good and potentially exciting. I also think it's incredibly selfish to constantly be concerned with "what will happen to me? How could I be hurt?" 

It's time for me to grow up, to stop being so concerned with myself and with what might go wrong. I have one life and I think I'd rather stick my neck out the window and take a chance rather than sit on the couch and watch, always wondering what it might feel like to be hopeful instead of anxious.

*note--the above picture is NOT my dog, nor is at cute as the birthday card that I will continue to circulate until Hallmark stops making it...but you get the idea