Art and Poetry....Love it

625. Ode on a Grecian Urn
John Keats

THOU still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of Silence and slow Time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape 5
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy? 10

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave 15
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! 20

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearièd,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love! 25
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue. 30

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea-shore, 35
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of its folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul, to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return. 40

O Attic shape! fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form! dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral! 45

When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.' 50

I'm kind of a nut about art. I nearly majored in art history in college, but the studio requirement kept me from doing that (i.e. I have no artistic talent!). I also like poetry. I was perusing some poetry books yesterday while organizing my closet (I am easily distracted) and came across this poem I used to love when I was in college. I know the language is kind of difficult to read, but I think it's beautiful. The poem is about a depiction on a Grecian urn of lovers right before they are about to kiss.

The lovers are frozen in a perpetual state of excitement, anticipation, and new love. How wonderful! (Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss, / Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve; / She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss, / For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! ) At first glance, it seems attractive—never fighting, no chance of boredom, no fear of commitment—just the passionate anticipation of their kiss.

But, as Keats suggests by the end, being frozen in the anticipation is sorrowful. The lovers never get to taste the kiss, experience the passion, build a relationship, start a family. (All breathing human passion far above, / That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd, / A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.)

So, while the lovers never have to experience the pains of love, they also never get to experience the real ecstasy of love or real intimacy.

I liken this to my love for the “get to know you” phase with men, but my fear of anything beyond that might get painful or messy or really super complicated. But, if I stay there—in that frozen state of anticipation—I’ll miss out on real, passionate intimacy and love.

And just to reiterate, I LOVE then last few lines: 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.' Beautiful.

False Prophets

15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.
Matthew 7:15

I think it is be difficult to discern God's will in our lives when we are surrounded by false prophets, offering advice, selling books, etc.

I've found that when I make a decision in my life that I feel like is God's will, the critics and false prophets seem to appear out of nowhere. And they are smart. They know how to offer advice in a way that makes it sound like it's coming straight from God, rather than serving their own selfish motives. They can twist around Scripture to make it appeal to whatever theory or outcome they would like played out.

But, I think there are ways to ward them off...to discern between a friend God is using to speak truth to you and a friend who is a false prophet--giving advice only for personal interests.

First, we have to remember that the Scriptures are truth. No well-written book or incredible sermon will ever stand next to the Bible. Just read it. Understanding Scripture in its context makes such a huge difference in being able to discern how another is using Scripture. Anything other than Scripture, while helpful/insightful, must be read and interpreted with a critical eye (or ear). Authors, even Christian authors, have personal motives just like the rest of us.

Second, in order to be aware of false prophets, we have to immerse ourself in a study of Scripture and of God, so that we can know how God uses man. The closer we are to God, the better we will be at deciphering between a false prophet and a genuine call from God.

Third, I think we have to question (on some level) advice given to us by our friends, spiritual leaders, etc. Is their advice motivated and supported by Scripture, or is it purely selfish? Do they have their own interests in the decisions/actions you are doing? This is hard.

Don't get me wrong, I have read books (other than the Bible) that have changed my life. I daily get advice from friends that is more powerful than I could have tried to figure out on my own. I believe with my whole heart that God uses other people in our lives to reach out to us and express his will for our lives. He uses people to hold us accountable for our actions and to live out our mission in life.

But, we have to be careful of false prophets. We have to always be discerning in the advice we follow and the theories to which we adhere. They must be supported by Scripture because Scripture is truth. Always.

The Good Life

Dogs have it made. I love this commercial.

No Fear

When I was 15, two dogs attacked me. I was in PA, visiting my grandma, and went running. I had my walkman with me (remember those? tape player and FM radio?), so I couldn't hear very well. Eventually, I heard loud barking and turned around to see two giant dogs (a huskie and a German shepard) sprinting after me. Not having grown up with dogs, I panicked and screamed and basically ran faster. If you know anything about dogs, they love a good chase...and four legs are faster than two. Needless to say, it didn't end well, and among other things, I lost my walkman to the ferocious beasts.


After that, I was scared to death to run outside by myself. Every time I heard a little jingle of a dog collar, I immediately would become almost paralyzed with fear. Often, I would just turn around and not even venture down a portion of a street if I heard barking. This went on for a while. Even in college, dogs scared me when I would go running.

When I was in law school, I dated a guy who had a dog...and literally, I thought we could never be serious because of my fear of dogs. But, then, I started to like the dog, and began realizing that not ALL dogs want to chomp off your hands or maul you. We didn't date that long, but it wasn't long after that experience that I decided I had to have a dog...that if I could train and learn about dogs, then I wouldn't be afraid of them. (I realize this sounds kind of after school special-ish, but it's true.) So, I bought my dog (she's all of 13 pounds--I had to start small) and took her to 2 sessions of obedience class, more to socialize ME to other dogs than her. Often in the classes, we would have to exchange dogs and I hated when I would get the rotweiller or hyperactive dalmatian, but it was so good for me. Now, I LOVE dogs. It's a pretty amazing turnaround.

Bottom line, making decisions out of fear is no good. I have done this many times, but making decisions in an attempt to protect ourselves from hurt prevents growth, and keeps us from truly experiencing the abundant life God promises us. As I get older and accumulate more "scars" if you will, I am realizing that it's harder to make decisions free from fear. I am less willing to take risks because I base my actions on what I predict the outcome will be.

But, that doesn't work. If I had never overcome my fear of dogs (and of running by dogs), I would be running on a treadmill and would have missed out on some amazing places I've run by myself. The runs would be boring. In the same way, allowing fear to motivate my actions and decisions creates a boring existence. I want adventure. I want to take risks. And, really, what is there to even be afraid of? If I believe in the Gospel, then even death itself is an upgrade.

I was pretty afraid to take a new job. It is a risky move on my part--I know absolutely nothing about the area of law in which I now will be practicing (and by nothing, I mean I never took a class on it in law school and it is hardly even tested on the Bar exam, so yea, NOTHING is the extent of my knowledge). It's in a city I barely know. I am leaving a safe, easy job that I am pretty good at because, well, it got boring. The risk of a more exciting job, in a more exciting place, is stronger than safety. And while there is always more chance of being hurt and making mistakes when you stop playing it safe, in the end, I truly believe a wise risk is worth taking--and will lead to a much more passionate and meaningful life.

Mom!

There's a lot I could say about my mom--how she likes to be suntanned, drives like a maniac, how I've never actually seen her go under the water in a pool or ocean, how she will probably never actually retire from teaching, taught me never to seek comfort in food-but instead in shopping, is an amazing cook...but what I love the most about my relationship with my mother is that over the years we have become great friends. And I mean that. I can tell her things and be honest about stuff that most people wouldn't ever consider sharing with their mother. She's honest with her advice (harsh at times), and doesn't let me waste time moping. She's definitely high strung and nutty (good thing I didn't inherit that...oh wait...), but one of the most sensitive and generous people I know. A creative writer (for my 21st birthday she wrote me a poem...and she used iambic pentameter), a witty joke teller--she is always the life of the party.

So, Happy Mother's Day, mom. You really are the best! Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm for life with me (and for never screening my calls! ). Love you.

because Fridays are fun

Marsha just made my day by showing me this.

Check it out...

http://gizoogle.com/

Enter your favorite web address and prepare to be entertained.

TGIF

I think every Friday blog should be entitled "TGIF" from here on out. So, I've got three more days at Lexis. Craziness. I'm really excited about my new job--just ask me and I'll go on and on about it...I'm very nervous about figuring out where I am going--but that is what my three days off next week are for. Hopefully that will give me enough time to learn to navigate my way around. There's one drawback to leaving, though.

You see, I have this elevator/parking lot boyfriend. And we will probably have to break up. For nearly 5 months now we cross paths every morning, every lunch, and every evening in the parking lot (in our cars) and then in the elevator. What started as a casual nod and a "thanks" one day for stopping the elevator has transformed into eye flirting, coy smiles, and "how is your day going". Today he even blurted out a "you look really nice today." I just recently learned he works in my department and finally learned his name. (I almost didn't want to know his name, I liked the mystery better). So, maybe on my last day out of the elevator I'll just slip him my number and say "call me." And that will be our last conversation...or maybe I will always wonder what might have been :) It's amazing what you can get the guts to do when you've got nothing to lose.

***

On a completely unrelated note (hence the three asterisks), I am headed to T-Town for the weekend for Mother's Day. My Dad also has a golf outing planned--at a nice course--always good to learn humility, right? Two weekends ago, my brother taught me how to turn my right wrist over (or something) at the end of my swing--and the ball has been going much straighter, which is an excellent improvement as I usually hit it directly to the right, so maybe I can beat my mom. (a nice thing to do on Mother's Day).

Have a great weekend and Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

REALLY?!?!

My idea for an episode of The Office would go something like this:

Someone brings in leftover cake for the whole department and sets it in the break room. Everybody runs in, knocking each other over for the stale cake. People get pissed when they don't get any. Dwight blames Phyllis for taking it all. Angela makes a comment about how she's so tiny and even though she ate a huge piece of stale cake, she still wears kids clothes. Later, it is revealed Michael commissioned Dwight to stash two pieces of the stale cake in his office. Again, the employees are pissed. Michael holds a meeting to explain why, since he's the regional manager, he is entitled to two pieces of stale cake.

Here's the thing...this would NOT be that different than the way people at my work respond to food left in the coffee room. It is insane! Yesterday, we had cakes brought in for a 20th anniversary for something in the office. There was enough for everybody. This morning there was an email sent out explaining that the leftover cake would be in the coffee room. I went in there, not 3 minutes later, to fill up on coffee, and you couldn't even get in the room. It's DAY OLD CAKE, people! I don't get it. (and this is not rare, anytime there is leftover food, people go crazy).

So, now, I am annoyed I can't fill up my coffee and have seemingly solved the American obesity problem--free food gets 'em every time.

Can't Hide From the Past

I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day--in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.

The Kite Runner Chapter 1

This is the opening paragraph of Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. When I first read this book two years ago, I was completely uninterested in it. But, I couldn't put it down. And now that I am re-reading it for our book club, I feel the same way.

I think this opening, for me, captures the idea that, while we want to move on/forget (or "bury" as Hosseini puts it) the past, our past always has a way of rearing its head. In the book, Amir betrays his best friend, Hassan. I won't spoil the book, but what he does (or doesn't do, rather) causes a whole series of things to happen. And as he grows up and eventually moves away from Kabul, his decisions and motives for doing things are constantly affected by his past--by his childhood, by his betrayal of Hassan.

(I am skipping over a lot here--the book goes into explicit, powerful detail of the fall of the Afghanistan monarchy and the Taliban presence there--it's amazing.)

But, back to my point. Near the end of the novel, Amir returns to Kabul after hearing the promise that "there is a way to be good again." Even after 15 years, Amir still seeks to atone for his moment of betrayal.

For me, as hard as I try to forget the past, mistakes, bad decisions, or the things I've done to hurt people--they will always be a part of me. I think the past can manifest itself in our insecurities and fears. The past will always shape the way we experience the future. Maybe our past makes us more fearful, or more courageous, or more prudent--but, you can never just pretend like it didn't happen. (not that you should dwell, either...but the past is there--to be learned from, to acknowledge and maybe even to be forgiven from)

And the best part of this book is that Amir does find a way to be good again. (You've got to read the book to find out how!) I kind of feel like in the past year I've found a way to be good again too...ok, well maybe not really "good"...but, I've discovered how to reconcile with my own "bad" past, without burying it. So, while the past may influence my future, it won't hamper or control it.

30 Days--Let the Countdown Begin

It has been 2 years since I was last in the Outer Banks. And in 30 short days I will be back! YES! It is the best vacation spot ever, hands down. I'm so looking forward to just relaxing on the beach with a great book and swimming in the ocean. Until then...

Nothing like a hot tub on the second floor deck during sunset

(my niece learned everything she knows about Frisbee from her Aunt Liz)

loved this weekend.

I had a fantastic day off work today. I went to bed around last night 11:30PM and did not wake up until 10! I haven't slept that hard in a while and it was great. I planted some flowers for my sister and took my dog on a 45 minute walk (she is sorely out of shape, I was practically dragging her at the end!) I also got $50 off my Verizon bill (thank God, $108 was a little steep) and arranged for some $ work to be done on my car. I also squeezed in a 45 minute nap (yep add that to the 10.5 hours of sleep) and some television. Let's just say most of these tasks proved quite difficult with the limited mobility in my legs. I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I am nuts walking down my steep driveway backwards. Oh well :-) Tomorrow a slow jog is in store, we will see how far I make it.

Speaking of great, this weekend was AWESOME: new job, Spider-man 3 (lots of up close shots of Harry's smile), my good friend Nicole visited (and ran the half marathon--WAY TO GO!), the Flying Pig marathon (complete with our own cheering squad--thanks Katy, Jana, Sarah, Sarah, Aaron, Evan, Bragg, Amy, Jason, Laura--I think I can still hear the ringing of Aaron's cowbell in my ear!), Marsha crossing the finishing line first (which I may NEVER hear the end of until next year's rematch), perfect running weather, a great time laughing, chatting, playing games (could use a little practicing on cornhole though), eating at the post-pig pig out.

Could not have asked for a better weekend. Wish me luck on figuring out how to exactly resign from the current job. That is tomorrow's task!

a side note--the girl across the street apparently is being tested on her ability to play the recorder (remember that grade school instrument?)...it's not going well...and with the nice weather the windows are open, and well, it'd be cool if she stopped playing, say, NOW!

A Great Weekend Ahead

There is so much going on this weekend! I get kind of stressed just thinking about it--really I just get stressed thinking about how I am going to figure out where to park for the Flying Pig AND get to the start by 6:30 when I don't even really know where the start is (hence why it is mandatory for Marsha to ride with me). When I ran the NYC marathon, the worst part of it was actually getting over to Staten Island for the start. BUT--this is Cincinnati, not New York city...I'm sure I'll manage :)

And although I'm sure you've already heard this (because the 5 of you who read my blog, probably read other people's blogs that say the same thing)...there is a big party after the Flying Pig from 4PM - 9PM at 650 Riddle Road in Clifton. Should be a fantastic time--lots of food, drinks, games, my friend Nicole, and the debut of one of my most prized possessions--my Wooster cornhole set! You would NOT want to miss out. A suggested $15 at the door gets you all this entertainment, food, drinks, and the entire $15 is being donated to Luz Y Vida, an orphanage in Bogota, Colombia (where some people will be traveling in July to donate the money and serve as well).

...and if you're tough enough to wake up early Sunday (and c'mon, you can sleep when you're dead!--my mother's favorite expression) come to Eggleston and Third and help cheer on the runners. What else could you possibly having going on at 6:30AM that is more important???

a few things

1. One of my best friends from college, Nicole, will be here in 2 days...spectacular!
2. Large trash pick up was this week in my neighborhood. And it's kind of scary. People drive around in large vans and trucks and go "shopping" for other people's junk. We put out an old lawn mower, vacuum, 2 doors, and some garden fencing and by morning there wasn't much left. After all my skepticism, my sister and I spotted a really nice dresser and vanity mirror down the street--only to be swept up by someone in like 5 seconds. One man's trash really is another man's treasure...
3. I have a really bad paper cut. I HATE paper cuts. They seem so insignificant, yet are so painful.
4. I have GOT to get to bed early tonight. I love 8 hours of sleep, 6 hours--not so much.
5. Tonight will be awesome--marion's! The best pizza ever--where they count out the exact number of paper plates/napkins you use and only accept cash. Which reminds me a trip to the ATM is in order.
6. I don't have to work Monday...ahhh fabulous.
7. Flying Pig Marathon (well half for yours truly) Sunday!
8. Excited about seeing a man in tights Friday night...already got my ticket...did you?!?!
9. My car battery decided to die yesterday morning. Luckily it chose to do so at a gas station, and the gas attendant man was quite helpful in jumping the battery (and giving me an "amazingly low" estimate on a new battery). On another note, I need to learn how to use jumper cables. Actually, I need to purchase some jumper cables. I need like a "car knowledge 101" course...how to change a tire, use jumper cables, parallel park...
10. I ordered 3 new books...and I can't WAIT until they come :-)

that's all i got...it's been a slightly uneventful week

He would be perfect if he existed.

I listened to the third talk in this series by Erwin McManus and his wife last night and his wife asked 3 single women to finish the sentence "he would be perfect if ____." One person responded, "if he existed." And it stuck with me because that's so me. Miss man-hating, negativity, there's-no-way-there's-"the one"-out-there-for-me-because-no-one-is-good-enough me. And while I definitely believe that having solid standards for choosing a spouse is crucial, I also think that having unreasonable expectations can be crippling in our search for our lifelong partner.

I have created this image in my head of the perfect husband--and he's the culmination of many factors. From failed relationships I know what I don't want--dishonesty, desperation, no passion, no ambition, actions driven solely by insecurity, etc. But, I think a lot of what I envision as this great husband, comes from fictional representations--movies, books, television--characters who men could never really be like in real life faced with the same circumstances. But, we kind of expect them to. And we're so disappointed when our men don't stand up to that fictional standard.

And the most interesting thing in all of this, is how none of my focus in finding my spouse is on me. The shift must move from them (the imperfect, ever-failing, always weak men) to me. If I'm so focused on the other person passing some checklist I have in my mind, how am I working and learning to be a good spouse myself? To be supportive, to be sympathetic, to be compassionate, to be humble. Clearly what I am teaching myself by examining any man I date so closely, is to be critical, to point out shortcomings, to highlight failures.

By placing the focus on me and on my character, I can put myself in a position to choose wisely, and also to choose confidently, without wondering when the person's failures will be revealed or when I will grow tired of him.

So today I say farewell to Mr. Darcy, Coach Chandler, Noah, Johnny Castle, Will Hunting, Maverick, Jack Dawson, Tristan Ludlow, etc. While you all make a lovely fantasy, in the end you are fictional. And I'm completely positive the real thing will be 100 times better.

Note to Self...

Don't try to save time by watering your newly planted flowers on your lunch when the hose is not properly attached to the water fixture-thingy. You (and your work clothes) will get soaked. And in the end, no time will be saved.

Lesson learned.

A Brilliant Disguise

So tell me what I see
When I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
Or just a brilliant disguise

-Bruce Springsteen, Brilliant Disguise

Sometimes I think we are all big liars. We're so good at creating the image of ourselves we want people to see. We say the right things, make the right jokes, tell the right stories, and let people in just close enough, without letting them really know us.

I am definitely like this. I let some personal stories out here or there, but not the really awful, embarrassing, shameful ones. I don't mind if people know I struggle with certain things--but not other things. I'm honest to a point, but the rest I keep to myself--known to no one.

And maybe this is why it's so hard to understand each other sometimes--because we're so caught up in playing the reputation game, in creating an image of ourself that's admirable and likable that we never quite know each other well enough to effectively encourage and support.

We spend so much time fixated on this brilliant disguise. We're careful about what we say and do around people and very prudently release personal information. Because, the less somebody knows about me, the harder it will be for that person to hurt or reject me.

We go around living in fear that one day we'll let someone in--and he or she will bail. It's ironic because while I long for someone to really know me and care for me, I am so unwilling to shed my own brilliant disguise.

If we really desire to be known and understood by people, why are we so afraid to let our guard down and be vulnerable/our true selves?

As Long as You're Happy

4Now he had to go through Samaria. 5So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.

7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.^[a])

10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

13Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

15The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."

16He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

17"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

19"Sir," the woman said, "I can see that you are a prophet. 20Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem."

21Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

25The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

26Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."

John 4:5-26

I love this interaction Jesus has with the Samaritan woman. I love it because I have felt like this woman. I love it because Jesus doesn’t condemn her lifestyle, but speaks truth to her in a way that creates in her a desire for change. I think it’s awfully hard to see people close to us making decisions we don’t think are wise, or “Godly” or whatever. No one likes to be called out on making poor decisions, but we love to be praised and admired when we do “good” things.

So often, I make choices that reflect a desire to drink from wells that will go dry. I trade in the living well that God provides for instant gratification, the allure of worldly success, or the affirmation of those around me. And even though time and time again I realize that drinking from that well leaves me thirsty and exhausted, I still try to find my own well to sustain me, rather than accepting the free, living water God provides.

And I see this in people close to me as well. One failed relationship? Just jump into another. Bad day at work? Happy hour(s) ought to do the trick. Fear of commitment? A one-night stand lifestyle is fine—no one gets hurt, right? We go through life with this—hey whatever makes you happy—mentality. But, it’s like Sheryl Crow sang (and I am so pissed tickets to her concert sold out in like one second..grr) “if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?”

We’re sad because we try to create circumstances that will sustain us that never do. We expect relationships to meet all of our needs that can never be met by one person. And we keep going back for more. Our thirst never gets quenched. We are never satisfied by these cheap substitutes. Sure, a night of drinking can help me forget the pain of being lonely, but how long does that last—2 hours? Sure, hooking up can make me feel desired and attractive—but what about the next day? Full of shame, disgusted with myself, and no closer to having my insecurities fixed.

Jesus promises us living water—He promises us that once we drink, we will thirst no more. Our desires, our passions, our deepest longings will be quenched. I just don’t get why so often I’m like the prodigal son—running off, trying to find and create my own living water when God offers it to me for free?

The substitutes don’t work. And it breaks my heart to see so many people get caught up in the crap that this world “offers” because I’ve been sucked in by it, too. But, it just leaves you feeling more thirsty, more messed up, and more frustrated with yourself.

Why do we stay enslaved to our self-created substitutes, when we can experience freedom by drinking from God’s living water?

because Jana has pink eye

I get an email telling me she is bored and needs me to update my blog. Nice. So, Jana, here is my morning so far--

6:05 Wake up, hit snooze
6:14 Wake up, wonder why snooze is 9 mins and not 10, hit snooze again
6:23 Actually get up, hack up a lung, brush teeth, put contacts in, realize one has a tear and open a new box
6:27 Check weather.com to see if it's raining (yes we have windows on our house)
6:30 Feed dog and take her outside
6:40 Walk outside to start my run
6:40.30 realize the trash can is knocked over and that Rocky the racoon is sitting at the end of the driveway eating leftover pork chops
6:41 Pry the trash bag away from Rocky (no lie), then shudder with disgust
6:42 Run
7:25 Return home, stretch/lay on the floor and wish I could go back to bed
7:35 Shower and talk to Mom on the phone about how she's not coming this weekend
7:50 Try to find clean clothes to wear to work
7:51 Chase my dog around to get back the sandal she stole from my closet
7:53 Make up, hair, etc.
8:05 Make some toast in the oven because we have no toaster, peel open a yogurt
8:10 Bfast and Today show
8:30 Leave for work
8:34 Daily stop at Tim H's
8:45 Arrive at work, drink coffee, check cnn.com and hotmail
9:00 Start really working--looking up laws about whether vocational school students should get paid for doing massages since their employer makes a profit (no lie)
9:30 Break to read blogs--get urgent email from Jana that she's bored, reheat coffee in micro
9:40 Work again

That about does it. Jana, you are all caught up.

Bragg to the Rescue

If you know me at all, you know how bad I am with directions...and you will enjoy this story :-)

So today I drove downtown for my interview. I followed my friend's directions (or so I thought) and tried to park in the parking garage by the stadium. Apparently, though, you have to have either a $1 or $5 dollar bill for the automated attendant. After trying to shove a $20 in there and having it spit the bill back at me, I reversed out of the garage and started driving aimlessly to find a parking garage near the building.

I had NO IDEA where I was going...although I was wise enough to realize crossing the river would not be a wise idea. So, I hedged a bet that Bragg would answer his phone and could maybe at least guide me to East 4th street.

Not only did he answer his phone, he told me to stay put (which I did) and he drove to where I was. The he had me follow him to a close parking garage that had an actual parking attendant, and proceeded to wait to drive me to the front of my building to make sure I got there on time and didn't get rained on.

Odds are good I would still be driving around Cincinnati right now if Bragg hadn't happened to be downtown at the time AND had screened my call.

So, THANKS BRAGG...I def owe ya! :-)

if i could type what a cough sounds like...

still haven't stopped coughing...

in the meantime...enjoy these pics of my dog (and some other people I love)

Who Needs a Doctor?

So I have this cough. This I can't take a deep breath without feeling the need to cough-cough. Some say it's allergies (including my dog's vet...which is a whole other funny story)--which I have never had before. But, it's a dry cough. I don't have a cold. I'm not stuffed up...I'm not achy...just a dry, itchy cough.

I'm not really one for the doctor. In fact, I don't actually have a doctor down here...and maybe I should. But, I decided to do a little self-diagnosis on WebMD (at the prompting of a colleague no doubt annoyed by my constant cough). WebMD is the coolest website...you can actually list your symptoms and it tells you what you might have. From my symptoms (I actually only have one symptom--dry cough), I may have latent tuberculosis, chronic sinusitis, asbestosis (though I've never been in contact with asbsestos to my knowledge), viral pneumonia, hay fever, the common cold, or allergies. Um, that seems a little broad...but still a fun website if you're ever sick, and bored (and participating in a meeting via video feed on your computer).

So, yea, it'd be cool if this cough went away, say over night. In the meantime, at least my abs are getting a good workout...so I've got that goin' for me...

POWER

8When Pilate heard this, he was even more afraid, 9and he went back inside the palace. "Where do you come from?" he asked Jesus, but Jesus gave him no answer. 10"Do you refuse to speak to me?" Pilate said. "Don't you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?"

11Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."
-John 19:8-11

We all have power. Whether it's holding a certain amount of influence over the friends we hang out with, or being in a managerial position at work, or being a coach of a team, or having a lot of money--even if we don't fully realize it, we all have power.

Recently, I have felt very convicted that God has given me a certain amount of power as an attorney. And I feel like I am squandering that power in my current job. Attorneys have so much influence in our world--members of boards, serving the community through Legal Aid or pro bono work, political positions, foundational work. Nearly every individual will come into contact with an attorney at some point in his/her life--whether it's to create a will, file taxes, file for divorce, bring a personal injury lawsuit, get a contract drafted, you get the picture.

When I think of the multitude of people I could come across and meet, and more importantly serve, it's kind of exciting. But, where I am now, I sit in an office, do research, and maybe come into contact with a handful of my colleagues. And it's not cutting it. Professionally, I don't feel fulfilled. Spiritually, I feel like I am wasting away the power God has entrusted to me with my position.

I think it's really cool to realize you have power, that you have the ability to make a difference. But, now that I've realized that power, I think it's time to utilize it. Jesus used his power to help and protect the powerless--and I think on some level, I have the ability to do that as an attorney. However, it's not really going to get done until I get out there and take part--and trade in a safe/secure job for one that provides me with more opportunities to leverage the power entrusted to me to help the powerless.

Not sure if that made any sense...but it's just been on my heart :-)

A Single Girl's Sometimes-es...

Sometimes…

i wonder if i will ever be a wife
i love being single

i crave attention from men
i feel like bait in a sea of sharks

i am flattered when a guy likes me, even if i don’t like him
i hate the game
i play hard to get
i love to flirt

i want to hold hands and take a walk at night
i dream about going out to dinner with a man and driving back in the same car together to the home we share

i think men suck and are big fat liars

i think i should care more about my appearance
i am so incredibly vain

i want a man to think i look attractive in my favorite old school green sweat pants with OHHS on the butt
i love wearing my black cocktail dress, with high heels, and fancy jewelry

i am not sure guys and girls can really be friends

i like my peep-toe black pumps better than the last guy i dated

i hold a baby and wonder if i'll ever have one of my own
i hold a baby and wonder if i would have any clue what to do as a mother

i wish Matt Damon would just come to his senses and marry me already
i think i will marry the man who hands me my Tim Horton’s everyday because i love how he calls me “miss” while he says “here’s the good stuff”

i wish there were more men who were passionate about their mission in life, rather than about finding a wife or getting laid
i wish men would communicate more with words and speech, rather than texts, email, and myspace messages

i hate awkward conversations in-person and would rather send an email

i am scared to death of forever
i want to be somebody’s “the one” and have him really mean it

the truth comes out

So I listened to this talk last night by Erwin McManus and while the talk was pretty decent, I thought I would share what I considered to be the deepest point of wisdom...

All single guys are essentially jerks.

how true.

a prayer for encouragement

God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honour and glory.

-Saint Augustine

My Take on The Holiday

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.

-Iris, The Holiday


Have you ever loved somebody who didn't love you back? I have and it SUCKS. I spent nearly 2 years believing someone who had fallen in love with me (and fallen out of love with me) would suddenly want me back. We'd go back and forth, back and forth...and it was just such a waste!

We've got to get past wanting somebody so badly it becomes desperation. We've got to stop making excuses for men (or women) who fail to pursue us, but linger around enough to keep us interested. We have to stop waiting for them to become the men we think they can be....or wish they were. We have to discover that chasing after a man who's not chasing you, is well, worthless...and a waste of our precious time.

It's hard though. We get infatuated and caught up in the whirlwind. We see past the bad things this individual does as soon as he does something sweet. One considerate moment covers 100 inconsiderate ones.

But, I believe, ladies...we are created to be pursued and chased after. I don't want to be the one seeking...I want to be the one being sought.

And maybe that means I will be dateless, or maybe that means men will be intimidated by me...but it sure beats engaging in a one-sided love affair, pining after a someone who hardly thinks of me.

Besides, if by next Christmas I'm still single, I'm doing a house swap with someone in England and will meet my own version of the surprisingly-hot-and-sweet-Jude Law in this movie :-)

10 Good Things

1. I rediscovered ambition this weekend (inspired by a friend who tells it like it is and a GAP shirt that said bo(red) and made me think of my current job)
2. Billy Joel '07--$100 dollar seats for $15
3. Ending Friday night with a sandwich from Panini's--can't beat a sandwich that includes a fried egg and french fries on it
4. Stealing a Book It certificate from my sister and forging my niece's name (it has to be a student!) on it to get myself a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut for dinner Sunday night.
5. There was still snow on the ground in Cleveland...but there isn't here!
6. The Holiday -- go rent it. It is awesome.
7. Shun. Unshun. Reshun. If you don't get it--shame on you.
8. I owe $0 on my city of Sylvania taxes...the first time ever not owing city taxes!
9. Warm weather is coming
10. Making the trip back from Cleveland in less than 3.5 hours and no speeding ticket! :-)

Cleve-land Rocks!

So I leave for Cleveland after a short 4 hour work day today and all I can think is THANK GOD. Ever feel like you just need to get away? This little weekend excursion could not have been better timed. So here's to a great weekend with my college roomie and hopefully no snow in the land of the worst team in the NFL...


TGIF and Have a great weekend (including a scare-free Friday the 13th) :-)

God is Love

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8


I once gave a talk at a Young Life club about God's love. I used this passage because I figured most of the people listening had probably heard it before. It must be the most used passage at weddings ever (absolutely no statistical data to back that up). I brought up the way we throw around the phrase "unconditional love" here in this world to describe the love between a wife and a husband or a parent and a child. And then concluded that since none of us (or our relationships) are failure-free, or patient, or always kind, and never boasting, etc...that maybe that's why it's so hard to grasp that God is love. Because we can't picture and haven't experienced a love that has never failed, never been jealous (or rude) or especially never kept a record of wrongs.

I believe there is no pure unconditional love in this world. All our relationships and emotions are tied to conditions and circumstances. While we may get glimpses of unconditional love—perhaps in seeing a healthy couple who is in love, or a parent’s love for a child—I don’t think anyone can point out a loving relationship that isn’t at some level conditional.

We are loved/accepted if we are intelligent, work hard, achieve success or wealth, are honest and considerate, etc. We are not loved or accepted if we cheat on a significant other, for example. We live in this world where we try and try to keep our mistakes and failures hidden for fear that those around us will dislike us. Our reputation is everything. And our reputation is determined by our actions—the way we live our lives. It’s this constant balancing act—between messing up and trying to earn back respect and affirmation from others.

When we live like this, which I think to some degree we all do (it seems impossible not to), our lives become a roller coaster. Up and down, up and down, success and failure, success and failure. Someone criticizes us—we get depressed or pissed off; someone praises our success—we are happy and excited. But, all the while, we are constantly trying to get that “high” feeling by satisfying some condition of love.

Just like on a roller coaster, I get sick trying to consistently meet the world's conditions and win approval and respect. Those dramatic changes in emotions leave me feeling worn out, and inevitably like a failure, because I know that even if I’ve impressed someone, just around the corner another mistake will surely come and I will have to start all over again.

So, I have to ask myself why I so strongly seek to be loved unconditionally by the world, when I know that it’s impossible. Instead of ditching the balancing act and the roller coaster ride in favor of receiving God’s unconditional love, I seem addicted to the highs and lows; and consumed by meeting every condition the world throws my way.

God never withholds his love. Never. And I think on some level I don’t race to those outstretched arms because I feel I don’t deserve that love. I haven’t earned it. I am so wrapped up in the world’s standards, it is nonsensical to me that God would love me no matter how many times I’ve done dishonest things, or hurt others, or failed miserably. It just doesn’t seem right.

But, seriously, how can we ever experience freedom while setting up camp on the world’s roller coaster?

I need a spring break.

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

ever wish you could take a break from responsibilities and meetings and the junk that eats up time?

LizzyB on compassion...

So a week or so back, something happened to me. It involved some dishonesty, relationship issues and the like. Details are left out to protect the guilty :) (i'm kidding)

I started to wonder why I wasn't more upset at what this person had done to this other person. And it hit me--I had done practically the same thing about two years ago. I wasn't angry because I figured if he had gotten to that point, thing were probably pretty messed up in his life. I had this rare glimpse of what I think is meant by compassion.

I feel sorry for people often--the way that you maybe pity a person who is begging on the streets--a distant, far off kind of sympathy. When I was young, my mom used to tell me I had a bleeding heart (I remember thinking how scary that sounded...for a while I really thought something was wrong with me.). I would always want to give poor people spare change, or send money to the orphanages that were advertised on television. I remember during one canned food drive at school, I wiped out our pantry...I think I even took in the evaporated milk. My mom thought I was nuts (and was pretty pissed off). But, I've always felt sorry for those less fortunate than I am.

I think compassion is different than pity. I think compassion is a feeling of understanding that we are all so messed up and broken. Realizing that our relationships get torn apart, we do crazy things, hurt people all in a desperate attempt to heal our brokenness. It's universal, it's human.

Compassion is up close and personal because brokenness is universal. We realize that we are all one step away from self destruction. We have compassion for others because we know our lives are messy, are filled with heartaches, and failed dreams. We have compassion for others because we've hurt people too, because we've made terrible decisions with awful consequences. We have compassion for others because we, too, carry the burden of being human, of wanting to make wiser choices, and yet, still making poor ones. Compassion is knowing that any turn of events could put us in the same circumstances as our neighbor--that our lives are really not that different, that our defensive responses, and self-preserving attitudes are the same.

So maybe we live in a bigger house (or smaller one), or drive a nice car, or have a fancy title at the end of our name (esq. :-))...we are still human, we still need a Savior every day. And our human-ness is what unites us, and what commands us to be compassionate. We recognize ourselves in the struggles of others, in the success and failures of others, in the attempts to fix and control things ourselves, in the ways we long for acceptance, in our desire for lasting relationships, and in our longing for love.

This whole idea of compassion has just really hit me recently. For me, it means cutting people some slack, not being so quick to pass judgment. Because, honestly, chances are good I've done the same thing, or will at some point. I can be just as cruel, as joyful, as deceptive, and as whatever-else as the next person. We are all so broken and we act in ways that protect ourselves. And the brokenness that we all share creates the space for compassion. It's not about feeling sorry for people, but instead recognizing how desperately we need Jesus.

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
-Galatians 6:14

Happy Easter!

Matthew 28:1-10

The Resurrection

1After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

5The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

8So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

I hope your Easter is filled with jelly beans (the black ones are awesome), Peter cotton tail, Easter lilies, brunch, maybe some ham, family time, easter egg hunts, reflection, joy, that fake grass that seems to get stuck to everything, an overflowing Easter basket, colored eggs, chocolate bunnies, and all things sugar-coated and wonderful.

Ways to Repel Men II

Never Let the Guy Win

I'm very competitive. I like to win, usually at all costs (which may or may not involve cheating...just kidding !). I once dated a guy and somehow we ended up going head to head in a swimming race. I even let him borrow my goggles and I still won...and instead of thinking, "wow, Liz is a fast swimmer," he just said, you are ruthless about winning. (may have had something to do with me cutting him off at the end and me making us keep score while watching jeopardy ;) ) Needless to say, I hurt his pride and we didn't go out again after that!

So, once in a while ladies...let the guy win (even if you have to milk it)

What a Concept

Revolutionary Christians are not insensitive to what motivates others, but they evaluate what they see and hear around them in the light of their own vision. They are happy and glad to have people listen to them but are not out to form groups around themselves. No cliques can grow up around them, for they attach themselves exclusively to no human being. What they say and do has a convincing ring and even a self-evident truth, but they force their opinions on no one and are not annoyed when someone doesn't adopt their opinion or doesn't do as they wish.

In everything, these revolutionaries seem to have a concrete and living goal in mind, the realization of which is of vital importance. Yet a great inner freedom is maintained in light of this goal...They are careful and cautious, certainly not reckless, and yet it comes out at every turn that they count their own lives as of secondary importance. They don't live merely to hold out but to work for a new world, the outlines of which they see and which appeal to them so much that even the fear of death no longer has a decisive power over them.

-Henri J.M. Nouwen

i want to be a revolutionary...but can a human ever fit this? can we look beyond the traditions, the norm, comfort, security? can a new world appeal to me more than the world in which i live--the world i see and experience daily? can we let go of our fears of not being accepted, of not achieving notoriety, of not calling the shots?

New Office Thursday

Thank God.

I'm Scared!

Ok, so in August I will be 26 years old. And yet, tonight I have gotten myself so worked up and scared. I am home alone for the week (nothing new) and I decided I would clean my room, change the sheets, switch out my winter wardrobe in exchange for the summer stuff, and basically get organized instead of going out.

All was well...then I started watching Dateline on TV. It was all about this abduction and murder of this woman who was home alone and other scary stuff. Now, I am too afraid to take my dog out. (ok not really)...but i definitely had to get something out of my car and sprinted back inside all the while imagining someone chasing after me!

Clearly, I have issues. And tonight, I am afraid of the dark (and whomever might be lurking therein) :-)

Now that all the lights are turned on and all the locks are secure (and my 12 pound dog is guarding the front window), I am putting in Notting Hill and hopefully falling asleep to a mindless romantic comedy :-)

Basically the female Tiger Woods

So 3 friends of mine at work and myself decided to form a golf foursome for the summer. Our first scramble is May 12 at 7:30 AM (yikes). I am so excited!

I am also sorely out of practice. I have not played golf since 2005. The bar exam kind of got in the way last summer.

We decided the nice thing about getting the shaft (pun intended) schedule-wise is we can play a round of golf once in a while before work...and get the cheap weekday greens' fees. Thrilling. :-)

Between finding a hot caddy (kidding) and purchasing a new golf wardrobe (again, joking) I have a lot do to before May 12!

Anybody know where any driving ranges are? :-)

Where's Home?

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

-Garden State

This past weekend I went home to Toledo. I feel like I'm in this weird place in my life where I have no "home." I mean I have a place I live and then I have my childhood home. But neither really feels like home.

I'm not sure what I expected when I arrived home. My bedroom no longer pays homage to my high school/college athlete days. The awards have been taken down. My pictures have been replaced. A new bedspread covers the bed that I used to sleep in. There is now a nice flat screen television on the shelves where my school books used to be (and seriously mom and dad? you wait until I leave to put a sweet tv in my room??) The drawers in my dresser are practically empty and my closet is now home to the overflow from my parent's closet. My bedroom is now an office/guest room.

It's not like I don't have a place to stay, and it's not like I don't feel welcome. It just doesn't feel like my home anymore. And don't get me wrong, I love going home and I love my parents. I guess part of me just thought when I moved out, time would kind of stand still at home. But, things keep going. My parents don't just sit around waiting for me to return. They have their own lives and I have mine. It's just weird getting older. And I'm sure most people deal with this detachment from home when they are younger than I am, more like when they graduate college or something. But, I loved living at home during law school.

When I moved in August I cried on my drive down here, leaving my home and my parents. And each time since then that I've been back to Toledo, I've teared up as I drive away. This time, though, I didn't. And the fact that I didn't get a little teared up made me sad! (I'm a nut...I know.)

And now it seems like that place just doesn't exist anymore. I guess I just miss living in a place where I feel like part of a family.

Happy Bday!

Happy Birthday Holly Welsh!!

Now you can finally join the rest of us in passing the quarter century landmark.

I can't wait to celebrate in two weeks :-)

Ways to Repel Men: Part I

Keep a set of car seats in your backseat.

I am at the gym Monday night, and actually meet a guy who is nice and cute and I'm sure, perfect in every way. So we walk out to our cars together (I know, how romantic) and I'm guessing he's about to ask me for my number. I'm thinking how glad I am that I cleaned out my car over the weekend because he's peering in while we're chatting. And then...he spots two car seats in my backseat that I left in there after driving my niece and nephew around this weekend. And he bolts so fast I don't even get the chance to say hey those aren't for my kids!

Then I laughed...I mean, really? I swear this kind of stuff only happens to me.

My Prayer Life

You still feel bitter because people weren't grateful for something you gave them, you still feel jealous of those who are better paid than you are, you still want to take revenge on someone who didn't respect you, you are still disappointed that you've received no letter, still angry because someone didn't smile when you walked by. You live through it; you live along with it as though it didn't really bother you...until the moment you want to pray. Then everything returns: the bitterness, the hate, the jealousy, the disappointment, and the desire for revenge. But, these feelings are not just there; you clutch them in your hands as if they were treasures you didn't want to part with. You sit rummaging in all that old sourness as if you can't do without it, as if in giving it up, you would lose your very self.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen

Exactly 6 months ago, I challenged myself to pray for 10 minutes a day. I literally set my cell phone alarm the first few days because I discovered I had no concept of how long 10 minutes really was. Maybe to you this seems a little weird, or maybe you think 10 minutes could never be enough time to speak a deep, heart felt prayer to God. Maybe you think it's nuts to set up a rigid, set amount of time for prayer. But, let me provide some context.

Like any relationship, my relationship with God has had its own, unique ups and downs. And with that, my prayer life has kind of had its own ebb and flow. When I first became a Christian, I had a very formulaic way of praying--1. Tell God how much I loved Him and how amazing He was 2. Confess how rotten I was and all the bad things I had done 3. Thank God for forgiving me and for making the flowers and the trees (ok kidding) 4. Lift up my laundry list of prayers. I would write down each request in my little journal, and then jot down what happened and how God "answered" my prayer. I'm not saying this was bad at all. But, it wasn't very natural.

In college, my prayer life became more natural. I prayed a lot. I wrote long, detailed journal entries where I would be praying and wrestling with difficult questions and truly seeking answers. My faith grew. It was good. Then my world crashed. I completely hit rock bottom (I'm not going into that here). My prayers became desperate pleas for God to change circumstances, for God to explain Himself, for God to make things fair. I felt like God was punishing me, like he had abandoned me.

God became a distant relative, not my Father. My relationship with God was hurting. I was thoroughly confused. And I spent my time in law school avoiding the issue, finding cheap substitutes, and trying to figure out why the heck I felt so far from a God I knew in my heart loved me. During this time, my prayers consisted of, again, desperate pleas to "fix" things after I would mess stuff up. I remember praying things like "God, I know life isn't supposed to be like this. What is wrong with me? Why did you make me like this--so weak?" But, I did nothing to take steps toward Him. I held on to my resentment and pain and used it to build a wall between myself and God. The hurtful experiences defined me. I was afraid to let them go for fear that somehow, I would lose myself.

Last May, as I was preparing for the Bar exam, I decided enough was enough. The cheap substitutes were just that. I committed to studying my butt off (check!), and to letting go of all the anger, resentment, and jealousy that had created this huge void between me and God. I prayed hard this summer for change. (And if you know me, I don't love change...so that was huge for me :)) I prayed for God to restore the excitement and passion for Jesus I had once claimed so strongly. And He did.

So, back to my 10 min prayer deal. I opted for this rather rigid, disciplined route because my relationship with God needed to be mended. I needed to restore my trust, to learn to relinquish control (definitely have not mastered that), to accept/truly believe that the abundant life God is giving me is way better than anything I can/could create for myself. By requiring 10 minutes of myself, I gave myself the opportunity to be changed. Even if those 10 minutes consisted of me explaining to God how much I doubted my ability to surrender control, or how annoyed I was at my circumstances, or whatever, it was 10 minutes spent with God.

A relationship isn't going to grow or, in my case, mend if I refuse to communicate with the other person. And this is where prayer gets tricky...because sometimes it can honestly feel like you are communicating to God with no response, which can be frustrating.

Now don't get me wrong. If you are around me at all, you know I can be quite cynical, and am not exactly "bitter-free." But, I am 100 times closer than I was a year ago. And I desire to continue moving in the right direction.

6 months later and I am amazed. I cried this morning reading this reflection on prayer by Nouwen. Slowly, God has taken the things I gripped so tightly and shook them lose from my hands. And I realize that the future will bring many more "things" that I will want to hold onto and let define me. But, I really believe that through consistent, honest prayer, God can step in before my grip gets so tight that it takes years to loosen it.

I think prayer is hard. It's scary to be honest and real with all the junk that consumes us. At least it is for me. I don't get into fake, flowery prayer. My time would be better spent watching The Office. But, when we aren't afraid to surrender the crap, the hurt, the guilt, and whatever else and just let God have it, I think then we can experience freedom.

Don't be afraid of the One who wants to enter your most intimate space and invite you to let go of what you are clinging to so anxiously. Don't be afraid to offer your hate, bitterness, disappointment, to the One who is love and only love. Even if you know you have little to show, don't be afraid to let it be seen.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen

p.s. thank God for some cancelled meetings at work this morning so I had time to post :)

Signs of the Apocalypse

1. My dog got invited to a birthday party. Not me, my dog. I wonder if I can just drop her off the way you drop off kids to a birthday party. Hmm.

2. Two Justin Timberlake songs have made their way into my running mix.

3. I got asked out on a date via telephone today at work based solely upon my voice being "the most pleasant voice I have ever heard." I have never met this person. If you have ever heard me speak...you may understand why this seems so strange on like 500 levels.

4. I paid $5 for a 4 pack of toilet paper. And no, this is not the triple roll pack. This is your basic Quilted Northern 4 pack. Ridiculous.

5. At the grocery store tonight, I saw a guy sporting a pink, one-size-too-small t-shirt and instead of making fun of him, I checked him out, and decided he was hot.

I mean, seriously, what is the world coming to? :)

Thank God spring is here!

Good TV Tonight

Today I am plugging Friday Night Lights. It's on at 8PM on Wednesday on NBC. It's awesome. You should watch it.

Here are two clips that are indicative of the kind of show this is...one showing Coach Taylor (love him) giving some fatherly advice to his teenage daughter, Julie, and another showing some competitive, tough Texas high school football (love that as well).

Give it a shot...I think you will be pleasantly surprised :)





Kinda makes me miss Friday night football games during high school :)

Gym Etiquette

At the risk of writing two very complain-ish posts in a row, I feel the need to provide some guidance to men at the gym. The gym to which I belonged in Lakewood had a "ladies only" room. A room where women could lift weights away from the wandering eyes, nasty grunting, and "macho" music blaring in the regular free weights area--an area occupied mostly by men. While I worked out there, I thought it was ridiculous that there was a women's side and a men's side. Separate but equal is unconstitutional, right?

I was wrong.

Generally, I work out in the morning before work, but on Mondays, I hit up the gym after work to lift and it is probably the most crowded the gym ever gets. There is a waiting list for treadmills, it's sickeningly hot when you walk in the door, and the free weight area is over populated with the i-can't-touch-my-finger-to-my-face-because-my-bicep-is-so-big types. I tell you what, I miss the ladies weight room.

It's like there's some kind of sexist, unwritten rule that women can use the cardio equipment, the circuit machines, but NOT the free weights. That's male domain...women out. Or, if you want to take the risk of venturing into the man territory, you have to accept that you will be subjected to stares and workout "advice" from most of the men back there. It's completely ridiculous.

So, men, here's 8 pieces of advice for proper gym etiquette.

1. Grunting does not make you appear stronger. Stop putting on the act.
2. Doing 4 reps of extremely heaving weights and then walking around for 10 minutes "resting" and still occupying a bench with your towel is ridiculous: not only are you a bench hog, but you aren't doing that much for your muscles either.
3.I was a college athlete. I know how to lift. I do not need your "tips" on how to get the most out of my lunges, or the newest protein shake. If I want exercise tips, I will get a subscription to Shape magazine.
4. If you sweat all over a bench, for goodness sake, clean it off. I think people would appreciate not having to be exposed to whatever infectious diseases you may be carrying.
5. Throwing down your weights in order to make a loud sound after your set of reps does not make you appear stronger. See number 1.
6. Just because you use the mirror to check out women instead of turning and looking at them doesn't mean we can't see you. You are not sly.
7. After doing your 1 set of 4 reps with 300 lbs on the bench press, it'd be nice if you would remove the weights. It'd be nice to get a workout from actually doing my routine, rather than from moving around other people's weights.
8. Just because you look in the mirror to check out your muscles doesn't mean we can't see you checking yourself out. See number 6.

Ok, I'm done now. No more complaining :)

No Summer Nights for Me

I'm frustrated. Maybe that's not the right word... I found out last week that I was misled previously when I thought I wouldn't have to work later hours at work. Come late May, I will start work at 2PM, which means I won't be done until 10 or 11PM. I think I'm so frustrated because the duration of this exciting shift will be the entire summer. I'm totally bummed.

See, the thing is, this change could potentially be just fine. I will have time in the morning to run, maybe even spend an hour or two at the pool. I will have more down time at work to work towards a promotion. Besides, it's still only 5 days a week, I will still have plenty of free evenings. And by the fall, I will likely have put in my time at the later shift and can move back up...but there's just something about summer evenings I will miss. Nighttime bbqs, playing cornhole while the sun goes down, walking my dog at dusk...I love summer, but I feel like working this late I am going to be missing out or something.

I realize this is not that crazy and I am making a big deal about nothing...but

Anyone know where I can get a teaching license and a job before summer starts ? :)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

So I woke up early to go to this ORRRC 5K for St. Patty's Day and it was freezing! 26 degrees with a wind chill of 13...brrr! I ended up 1st in my age group...woohoo and received the sweetest trophy ever!!





Now it's time for a nap and then to enjoy all things green, or something like that. :)

Download it

This is kind of piggybacking on my post earlier this week. (I love that I just used the term piggybacking)

I LOVE this song. I think the perfect relationship I desire might involve two people who support each other, two people who are independent of each other, but still protect and shelter each other through all the junk the world slings their way...and in the process, motivate each other to live out their respective missions and callings in life.

Shelter

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
as though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that make you live are killing you
Listen when all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
Hey you will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you
I will shelter you

-Ray LaMontagne