Can't Hide From the Past

I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day--in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.

The Kite Runner Chapter 1

This is the opening paragraph of Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. When I first read this book two years ago, I was completely uninterested in it. But, I couldn't put it down. And now that I am re-reading it for our book club, I feel the same way.

I think this opening, for me, captures the idea that, while we want to move on/forget (or "bury" as Hosseini puts it) the past, our past always has a way of rearing its head. In the book, Amir betrays his best friend, Hassan. I won't spoil the book, but what he does (or doesn't do, rather) causes a whole series of things to happen. And as he grows up and eventually moves away from Kabul, his decisions and motives for doing things are constantly affected by his past--by his childhood, by his betrayal of Hassan.

(I am skipping over a lot here--the book goes into explicit, powerful detail of the fall of the Afghanistan monarchy and the Taliban presence there--it's amazing.)

But, back to my point. Near the end of the novel, Amir returns to Kabul after hearing the promise that "there is a way to be good again." Even after 15 years, Amir still seeks to atone for his moment of betrayal.

For me, as hard as I try to forget the past, mistakes, bad decisions, or the things I've done to hurt people--they will always be a part of me. I think the past can manifest itself in our insecurities and fears. The past will always shape the way we experience the future. Maybe our past makes us more fearful, or more courageous, or more prudent--but, you can never just pretend like it didn't happen. (not that you should dwell, either...but the past is there--to be learned from, to acknowledge and maybe even to be forgiven from)

And the best part of this book is that Amir does find a way to be good again. (You've got to read the book to find out how!) I kind of feel like in the past year I've found a way to be good again too...ok, well maybe not really "good"...but, I've discovered how to reconcile with my own "bad" past, without burying it. So, while the past may influence my future, it won't hamper or control it.