Modern Love

Last night before I went to bed, I was reading the New York Times online and somehow stumbled on this essay. NYT held an essay contest for college students to write about "modern love". This essay was a runner-up (there are four you can click to from there) and wow, did it define exactly how our modern world views love. I highly recommend reading all four-but this one in particular.

Most people I know my age have assumed a cynical, casual approach to love. Watch most movies made today or read new books and you rarely see a romantic, beautiful portrayal of a maturing, long-lasting relationship. Instead, you see selfishness, cheating, dishonesty, and purely ego-centric values glorified. Modern media affirms for us what we've learned from the exploding divorce rate and dysfunctional families. Marriages don't last. Relationships are too hard to be worth it. That soulmate stuff is just B.S.

People no longer go on dates. Instead, we adopt a "no strings attached" philosophy and convince ourselves that this is the way you never get hurt. We don't need to learn things like grace and compromise because modern relationships have no expectations--it's only about getting our instant needs met and moving on. We travel in groups of friends rather than committing to one person, moving from one casual encounter to the next-all the while convincing ourselves that this is freedom.

I've lived that philosophy and admit there are times it seems attractive. BUT, my experience has taught me that having such a selfish, fearful approach to relationships is anything but freeing.

I refuse to latch on to this modern myth that real love is impossible. I realize it's work. I realize I must sacrifice, mature, compromise, learn to be more flexible and grow up. I admit few relationships stand up to the Nicholas Sparks standard. But I believe real love is worth it. Contrary to our world's portrayal, real love is exciting-not boring, it's passionate--not ordinary.

Don't give up.

*In case you don't plan on clicking the link and reading the article, here is my favorite passage from the essay:

We’ve grown up in an age of rampant divorce and the accompanying tumult. The idea that two people can be happy together, maturing alongside each other, seems as false as a fairy tale. So when a relationship ends, it isn’t seen as bad. It’s held as evidence that the relationship was never any good to begin with.

MAYBE it’s just that we have learned nothing can compare to the perfect moment of the unexpected hookup — wet lips on the beach, lying in the sand — and so we aim to accumulate as many as possible. Or maybe we’re simply too immature to commit. That has been the rap against guys forever, but now women think the same way. With the world (and the world of sex) at our fingertips, it’s difficult to choose, to settle, to compromise.

But I do occasionally wonder: If we can’t get past ourselves and learn to sacrifice to be with another, then what is in store? A generation of selfish go-getters fueled by nothing more than our own egos, forever seeking that rare dose of self-esteem? An era of loneliness filled with commercial wants and mate selection based on the shallowest of criteria?

As a staunch proponent of my generation, I believe that, despite what it may seem, we appreciate the ways of love and affection but are simply waiting for them to take over. We might dally in the land of easy sex and stilted text-message flirtation, but deep down we crave the warm embrace of all-consuming love.
-"Let's Not Get to Know Each Other Better", Joel Walkowski, June 8, 2008-New York Times