NO SWIMMING

Today the Coast Guard put "No Swimming" flags at our beach entrance. I was so bummed out. So, we hit up the hot tub, took silly pics at the beach, and spent the rest of the day shopping. Here's the evidence... It was so windy...

Hopefully I wake up tomorrow to endless sunshine! I really wish I could stay here longer...I wonder if I could pass the North Carolina bar exam...hmm :-)

Vacation-Day 1

I'm really sunburned. I did a poor job putting on sunscreen and I think it was a year old. Even my ears are burned!

But, today was fabulous. Two long ocean swims, big waves, read a whole book, took a walk, went for a beach run, found a delightful coffee place, ate a big steak, won 2 games of cornhole, and took a shower outside. (I am a big fan of the outdoor shower). Now I am stuffed and exhausted. And, I found out my good friend from law school is down here at the same time! What luck!

Here I am--a lovely pose on the deck upstairs. I kind of don't want this week to end. There's something great about getting re-energized and being relaxed.

The Day After Tomorrow

I'm leaving for the beach on Saturday. Two more days of work. Two more days of Ohio. Then 8 days of freedom, sand, sun, ocean, saltwater in my eyes, suntan lines, seashells, amazing seafood, decks to watch the sunset (and sunrise if I so desired to wake up that early which I won't), cruiser
bikes, diving waves...ETC ETC ETC.! :-)

I definitely gotta go where it's warm!

Boat Drinks--Jimmy Buffet
Boys in the band ordered boat drinks
Visitors scored on the home rink
Everything seems to be wrong

Lately, newspaper mentioned cheap air fare
I gotta to fly to saint somewhere
Im close to bodily harm

Twenty degrees and the hockey games on
Nobody cares they are way too far gone
Screamin boat drinks, something to keep em all warm

This mornin, I shot six holes in my freezer
I think I got cabin fever
Somebody sound the alarm

Id like to go where the pace of lifes slow
Could you beam me somewhere mr. scott?
Any ol place here on earth or in space
You pick the century and Ill pick the spot

Oh I know, (I know)
I should be leaving this climate
I got a verse but cant rhyme it
I gotta go where its warm

Boat drinks
Waitress I need two more boat drinks
Then Im headin south fore my dream shrinks

I gotta go where its warm (I gotta go where its warm)
I gotta go where its warm (I gotta go where its warm)
I gotta go where its warm!

I gotta go where there aint any snow
Where there aint any blow
cause my fin sinks so low
I gotta go where its warm

Only the Lonely

On Sunday, I was in the check out line at Kroger picking up some necessities and I began watching the woman in front of me unload her cart. (I have a slight fascination with what other people buy--I think yhou can know a lot about a person by the contents of their cart) Anyway, in her cart were: a 12 pack of pepsi, a large thing of non dairy creamer, a HUGE thing of coffee, 4 cartons of cigarettes, and approx. 15 stauffer's frozen dinners. I casually mentioned I loved the Stauffer's lasagna to which the woman replied that she never bought that because she didn't have anybody but herself to eat it. As fate would have it, when I left the parking lot I was behind her car and I watched her drive (by herself) to this apartment complex down the road. I couldn't help but think about how lonely this woman must be.

And then that got me thinking....one of the worst feelings mankind can experience, I think, is loneliness. At all costs we avoid being alone. Because when we are truly alone, we have no supporters and no connection to anybody or anything. I think when we are feeling alone we are more apt to make destructive decisions.

When I feel alone, my first impulse is usually to go out--to make a connection, healthy or unhealthy. I'm so desperate to not feel lonely, I will do anything. And I see this in others--in friends who are in relationships out of a desperate fear of being alone, in people who stay in the same location because it's safe, etc, etc. We want that tangible connection because it's hard sometimes to feel connected to an intangible God.

But, God designed us to be with other people. We should surround ourselves with friends and people who encourage us to not act out of desperation, but to live with purpose. Friends who call us out when we're straying from the life that is intended for us. Friends who help us develop a level of discernment in our decision making. Friends who tell us when we're dating an idiot.

Without a community of friends who encourage your relationship with God, I think you miss out on a line of defense that keeps you from making decisions based on a fear of being alone, rather than on God's will for you.

I'm starting to develop a group of good friends that do just that...and I think that's super cool.

Listen...and Repeat!

My sister introduced me to Nickel Creek back when I made fun of her for liking mellow one-guy-playing-a-guitar-and-singing-softly type music. But, I am slowly starting to LOVE it.

I'm kind of crazy about When You Come Back Down. It's been on repeat in my car for days. To me, it's a song about the perfect relationship--one where each person can chase his/her dreams and the other is patiently supportive...whether the dream turns out successfully or not. Rather than being annoyingly dependent, he/she is excited for the other to take risks and live out his/her dream. That's cool. Plus, it's some good music!

When You Come Back Down
You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly
And if you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down

Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
-Nickel Creek

Outside the Box

I heard someone state that in the city of Cincinnati there are 10 people per acre. If that seems nuts, back when the book of Romans was written, there were 150 per acre in Rome.

It got me thinking. Aside from everything else a city can be/represent, it makes me even more in awe of how big/diverse/encompassing God's love is. I am so "me" focused. And I think, ok, God loves me--an educated, white girl lawyer from Toledo. And I get caught up in that picture of God. So, the Bible says God provides--well that means God provides for me--an educated, white girl lawyer from Toledo. Etc, etc. I get to thinking that the way I experience God, is the way most people experience God. Of course, I am so way off.

Think about a city-about how many different kinds of people there are. Artistic, straight-laced, poor, rich, smart, uneducated, black, white, foreign, American, married, single, childless, dogless (like how I slipped that in)...and so many more. And God lives in and LOVES all those different kinds of people.

I find it hard to have perspective on the fact that God knows everything about me. About my life and my heart...and yet, God is all knowing about everyone. And the cool thing about a city (so far) is how all the differences among the abundance of people crammed into one area sheds some light on how big our God is...and on how His love can be experienced in so many different ways.

I love getting a bigger picture of God and a bigger picture of the people He loves. People who aren't just educated white girl lawyers from Toledo.

No idea if that made sense...it's late and I have to wake up at 4:45AM! :-)

all is right again...TGIF

Wow. Thursday was stressful. I'm not really sure what my problem was. Do you ever feel like you have 100 things flying through your head and they are all demanding your attention? That was Thursday. And in the end, I was so stressed, I lost my temper (more than once) and cried when I got lost in Clifton on low fuel and couldn't find a gas station. Again, wow.

But then I came home, popped in Pride and Prejudice, poured my favorite new drink--diet green tea, and once again all is right with the world. I just can't give up Mr. Darcy. And why should I--he loves a girl named Elizabeth (or as he calls her, Miss Elizabeth) who's independent, doesn't hide her feelings, and is loyal to her family.

Favorite line, Mr. Darcy: You have bewitched me, body and soul and I love...I love...I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.




Enjoy yet another clip :-) AND TGIF!

The Wild Things

17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'

22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

Luke 15:17-24

When I was in college, I went through the worst break up ever. It was the worst I have ever felt, with nothing even close to comparison. I remember thinking that the way I had my life planned out was nothing like how it was going to be from then on. Then my sister sent me a package in the mail with Where the Wild Things Are in it. I thought she was silly sending me a children's book...but in the front cover, she left me the sweetest, most thoughtful and heartfelt note I have ever received--no matter how wild your life gets, or how far you wander off, you can always come home to me and your family who will always love you.

I'm sure you remember the story of Max and his escapade to the land of the wild things, only to end up longing for home and his supper. And he returns...and his dinner is still waiting for him, not cold, but just perfect.

I think we all have our own wild "escapades" where we decide to do things on our own, for ourselves and think that somehow we can figure out stuff without anybody's help. And, generally, it backfires. We end up feeling hurt, lost, confused, frustrated, and tired of being among the "wild things" and ready to return home.

I love that we have a God who is always waiting for us, patient while we live amongst the wild things in our life. I love that He can turn the junk and hurt into good. The other night, I had the opportunity to share some of my own "wild" escapades with a friend who suggested that people liked to talk about being "real" but never really seemed real. So, I just poured out the gory details. And I also poured out how much I have changed, how much my own heart has been transformed by a God who is ALWAYS waiting there, ready to accept and forgive. And I really think God used some of the junk I keep stored away to connect with her, to show her that she's not alone in her brokenness.

I just think that's really cool. :-)

sun + good book + pool = greatest

THE POOL OPENS TODAY!

go ahead and guess where i will be all weekend ... i love summer :-)

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

traffic sucks...but TGIF

Thoughts on traffic:

1. Paying attention to the car in front of you is imperative. If its brake lights are on, you should probably stop. The grass isn't a separate lane.
2. Turn signals are a must. Weaving in and out is dangerous and annoying as crap.
3. Don't yell profanity out of your window. It won't make the traffic any better. Might as well just sit and enjoy it.
4. Ignore the traffic report. It's never good news.
5. It takes about 45 solid minutes to get from downtown to 275. That's fun.
6. Texting in traffic is dangerous. Real dangerous.
7. I don't get why they waste the info board by posting something like "smog alert" rather than "it will take you an eternity to get to 275"
8. The arch in my right foot is sore from hitting the brake and then the gas all week
9. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel this morning at Paddock because I sat there so long.
10. I am seriously considering taking up smoking to make the time pass...ok, not really, but I am starting to see the allure of it.

TGIF...two casual days in a row...love that! :-)

Invincible

I love the movie Invincible. I watched it this past weekend--it's a great rental. And I love the person Mark Wahlberg plays in the movie. (I know I gave up fantasies about fictional men, but this movie is actually a representation of a true story...so I think I can fantasize freely!)

Anyway, the only video I could find (in the minute I spent looking) was the trailer. So, go rent it! The movie is about Philadelphia Eagles player Vince Papale who becomes a member of the team after a new coach holds open tryouts. Papale loves his city, loves his friends, and guts it out because he realizes how he being on the team represents hope (and an escape) for his friends/city broken from a wrecked economy. Plus, watching Mark Wahlberg run around on a football field isn't a bad way to spend 2 hours :-)



And...it gets me excited for the fall football season!

Called

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Today was overwhelming. I have so much to learn and literally feel like I know nothing about what I am supposed to be doing. I am confused, scared, but strangely excited. I walked around downtown Cincinnati this morning (because I was 40 minutes early) and just felt thrilled. (Though, note to self, walking 40 minutes in high heels = bad blisters)

It's weird to feel nervous and unprepared, but still feel like you are in the right place, doing the right thing. I kind of feel like God dropped this opportunity into my lap, and I am so unprepared and lacking what I think I need to do it--but, I feel inside me that I am supposed to be there.

It's kind of like in the times we can't rely on ourselves, on our own knowledge, those are the times we are truly seeking God with all our heart. And there, in that place where we seek Him with everything, that's where those passionate, life-changing encounters with God take place. And that just fires me up.

And right now it's 8PM and seriously I am about to go to sleep. Ok, ice cream, then sleep.

Priceless

New suit for the first day: $289 (and that is sale price)
Full tank of gas for the long commute: $35.55
Blank CDs to burn new mixes for the long commute: $20
2 Packs of Tums to settle the first day jitters: 2.97

An exciting new job and an office with a view, in a great city: priceless

Art and Poetry....Love it

625. Ode on a Grecian Urn
John Keats

THOU still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of Silence and slow Time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape 5
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy? 10

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave 15
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! 20

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearièd,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love! 25
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue. 30

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea-shore, 35
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of its folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul, to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return. 40

O Attic shape! fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form! dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral! 45

When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.' 50

I'm kind of a nut about art. I nearly majored in art history in college, but the studio requirement kept me from doing that (i.e. I have no artistic talent!). I also like poetry. I was perusing some poetry books yesterday while organizing my closet (I am easily distracted) and came across this poem I used to love when I was in college. I know the language is kind of difficult to read, but I think it's beautiful. The poem is about a depiction on a Grecian urn of lovers right before they are about to kiss.

The lovers are frozen in a perpetual state of excitement, anticipation, and new love. How wonderful! (Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss, / Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve; / She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss, / For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! ) At first glance, it seems attractive—never fighting, no chance of boredom, no fear of commitment—just the passionate anticipation of their kiss.

But, as Keats suggests by the end, being frozen in the anticipation is sorrowful. The lovers never get to taste the kiss, experience the passion, build a relationship, start a family. (All breathing human passion far above, / That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd, / A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.)

So, while the lovers never have to experience the pains of love, they also never get to experience the real ecstasy of love or real intimacy.

I liken this to my love for the “get to know you” phase with men, but my fear of anything beyond that might get painful or messy or really super complicated. But, if I stay there—in that frozen state of anticipation—I’ll miss out on real, passionate intimacy and love.

And just to reiterate, I LOVE then last few lines: 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.' Beautiful.

False Prophets

15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.
Matthew 7:15

I think it is be difficult to discern God's will in our lives when we are surrounded by false prophets, offering advice, selling books, etc.

I've found that when I make a decision in my life that I feel like is God's will, the critics and false prophets seem to appear out of nowhere. And they are smart. They know how to offer advice in a way that makes it sound like it's coming straight from God, rather than serving their own selfish motives. They can twist around Scripture to make it appeal to whatever theory or outcome they would like played out.

But, I think there are ways to ward them off...to discern between a friend God is using to speak truth to you and a friend who is a false prophet--giving advice only for personal interests.

First, we have to remember that the Scriptures are truth. No well-written book or incredible sermon will ever stand next to the Bible. Just read it. Understanding Scripture in its context makes such a huge difference in being able to discern how another is using Scripture. Anything other than Scripture, while helpful/insightful, must be read and interpreted with a critical eye (or ear). Authors, even Christian authors, have personal motives just like the rest of us.

Second, in order to be aware of false prophets, we have to immerse ourself in a study of Scripture and of God, so that we can know how God uses man. The closer we are to God, the better we will be at deciphering between a false prophet and a genuine call from God.

Third, I think we have to question (on some level) advice given to us by our friends, spiritual leaders, etc. Is their advice motivated and supported by Scripture, or is it purely selfish? Do they have their own interests in the decisions/actions you are doing? This is hard.

Don't get me wrong, I have read books (other than the Bible) that have changed my life. I daily get advice from friends that is more powerful than I could have tried to figure out on my own. I believe with my whole heart that God uses other people in our lives to reach out to us and express his will for our lives. He uses people to hold us accountable for our actions and to live out our mission in life.

But, we have to be careful of false prophets. We have to always be discerning in the advice we follow and the theories to which we adhere. They must be supported by Scripture because Scripture is truth. Always.

The Good Life

Dogs have it made. I love this commercial.

No Fear

When I was 15, two dogs attacked me. I was in PA, visiting my grandma, and went running. I had my walkman with me (remember those? tape player and FM radio?), so I couldn't hear very well. Eventually, I heard loud barking and turned around to see two giant dogs (a huskie and a German shepard) sprinting after me. Not having grown up with dogs, I panicked and screamed and basically ran faster. If you know anything about dogs, they love a good chase...and four legs are faster than two. Needless to say, it didn't end well, and among other things, I lost my walkman to the ferocious beasts.


After that, I was scared to death to run outside by myself. Every time I heard a little jingle of a dog collar, I immediately would become almost paralyzed with fear. Often, I would just turn around and not even venture down a portion of a street if I heard barking. This went on for a while. Even in college, dogs scared me when I would go running.

When I was in law school, I dated a guy who had a dog...and literally, I thought we could never be serious because of my fear of dogs. But, then, I started to like the dog, and began realizing that not ALL dogs want to chomp off your hands or maul you. We didn't date that long, but it wasn't long after that experience that I decided I had to have a dog...that if I could train and learn about dogs, then I wouldn't be afraid of them. (I realize this sounds kind of after school special-ish, but it's true.) So, I bought my dog (she's all of 13 pounds--I had to start small) and took her to 2 sessions of obedience class, more to socialize ME to other dogs than her. Often in the classes, we would have to exchange dogs and I hated when I would get the rotweiller or hyperactive dalmatian, but it was so good for me. Now, I LOVE dogs. It's a pretty amazing turnaround.

Bottom line, making decisions out of fear is no good. I have done this many times, but making decisions in an attempt to protect ourselves from hurt prevents growth, and keeps us from truly experiencing the abundant life God promises us. As I get older and accumulate more "scars" if you will, I am realizing that it's harder to make decisions free from fear. I am less willing to take risks because I base my actions on what I predict the outcome will be.

But, that doesn't work. If I had never overcome my fear of dogs (and of running by dogs), I would be running on a treadmill and would have missed out on some amazing places I've run by myself. The runs would be boring. In the same way, allowing fear to motivate my actions and decisions creates a boring existence. I want adventure. I want to take risks. And, really, what is there to even be afraid of? If I believe in the Gospel, then even death itself is an upgrade.

I was pretty afraid to take a new job. It is a risky move on my part--I know absolutely nothing about the area of law in which I now will be practicing (and by nothing, I mean I never took a class on it in law school and it is hardly even tested on the Bar exam, so yea, NOTHING is the extent of my knowledge). It's in a city I barely know. I am leaving a safe, easy job that I am pretty good at because, well, it got boring. The risk of a more exciting job, in a more exciting place, is stronger than safety. And while there is always more chance of being hurt and making mistakes when you stop playing it safe, in the end, I truly believe a wise risk is worth taking--and will lead to a much more passionate and meaningful life.

Mom!

There's a lot I could say about my mom--how she likes to be suntanned, drives like a maniac, how I've never actually seen her go under the water in a pool or ocean, how she will probably never actually retire from teaching, taught me never to seek comfort in food-but instead in shopping, is an amazing cook...but what I love the most about my relationship with my mother is that over the years we have become great friends. And I mean that. I can tell her things and be honest about stuff that most people wouldn't ever consider sharing with their mother. She's honest with her advice (harsh at times), and doesn't let me waste time moping. She's definitely high strung and nutty (good thing I didn't inherit that...oh wait...), but one of the most sensitive and generous people I know. A creative writer (for my 21st birthday she wrote me a poem...and she used iambic pentameter), a witty joke teller--she is always the life of the party.

So, Happy Mother's Day, mom. You really are the best! Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm for life with me (and for never screening my calls! ). Love you.

because Fridays are fun

Marsha just made my day by showing me this.

Check it out...

http://gizoogle.com/

Enter your favorite web address and prepare to be entertained.

TGIF

I think every Friday blog should be entitled "TGIF" from here on out. So, I've got three more days at Lexis. Craziness. I'm really excited about my new job--just ask me and I'll go on and on about it...I'm very nervous about figuring out where I am going--but that is what my three days off next week are for. Hopefully that will give me enough time to learn to navigate my way around. There's one drawback to leaving, though.

You see, I have this elevator/parking lot boyfriend. And we will probably have to break up. For nearly 5 months now we cross paths every morning, every lunch, and every evening in the parking lot (in our cars) and then in the elevator. What started as a casual nod and a "thanks" one day for stopping the elevator has transformed into eye flirting, coy smiles, and "how is your day going". Today he even blurted out a "you look really nice today." I just recently learned he works in my department and finally learned his name. (I almost didn't want to know his name, I liked the mystery better). So, maybe on my last day out of the elevator I'll just slip him my number and say "call me." And that will be our last conversation...or maybe I will always wonder what might have been :) It's amazing what you can get the guts to do when you've got nothing to lose.

***

On a completely unrelated note (hence the three asterisks), I am headed to T-Town for the weekend for Mother's Day. My Dad also has a golf outing planned--at a nice course--always good to learn humility, right? Two weekends ago, my brother taught me how to turn my right wrist over (or something) at the end of my swing--and the ball has been going much straighter, which is an excellent improvement as I usually hit it directly to the right, so maybe I can beat my mom. (a nice thing to do on Mother's Day).

Have a great weekend and Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

REALLY?!?!

My idea for an episode of The Office would go something like this:

Someone brings in leftover cake for the whole department and sets it in the break room. Everybody runs in, knocking each other over for the stale cake. People get pissed when they don't get any. Dwight blames Phyllis for taking it all. Angela makes a comment about how she's so tiny and even though she ate a huge piece of stale cake, she still wears kids clothes. Later, it is revealed Michael commissioned Dwight to stash two pieces of the stale cake in his office. Again, the employees are pissed. Michael holds a meeting to explain why, since he's the regional manager, he is entitled to two pieces of stale cake.

Here's the thing...this would NOT be that different than the way people at my work respond to food left in the coffee room. It is insane! Yesterday, we had cakes brought in for a 20th anniversary for something in the office. There was enough for everybody. This morning there was an email sent out explaining that the leftover cake would be in the coffee room. I went in there, not 3 minutes later, to fill up on coffee, and you couldn't even get in the room. It's DAY OLD CAKE, people! I don't get it. (and this is not rare, anytime there is leftover food, people go crazy).

So, now, I am annoyed I can't fill up my coffee and have seemingly solved the American obesity problem--free food gets 'em every time.

Can't Hide From the Past

I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day--in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.

The Kite Runner Chapter 1

This is the opening paragraph of Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. When I first read this book two years ago, I was completely uninterested in it. But, I couldn't put it down. And now that I am re-reading it for our book club, I feel the same way.

I think this opening, for me, captures the idea that, while we want to move on/forget (or "bury" as Hosseini puts it) the past, our past always has a way of rearing its head. In the book, Amir betrays his best friend, Hassan. I won't spoil the book, but what he does (or doesn't do, rather) causes a whole series of things to happen. And as he grows up and eventually moves away from Kabul, his decisions and motives for doing things are constantly affected by his past--by his childhood, by his betrayal of Hassan.

(I am skipping over a lot here--the book goes into explicit, powerful detail of the fall of the Afghanistan monarchy and the Taliban presence there--it's amazing.)

But, back to my point. Near the end of the novel, Amir returns to Kabul after hearing the promise that "there is a way to be good again." Even after 15 years, Amir still seeks to atone for his moment of betrayal.

For me, as hard as I try to forget the past, mistakes, bad decisions, or the things I've done to hurt people--they will always be a part of me. I think the past can manifest itself in our insecurities and fears. The past will always shape the way we experience the future. Maybe our past makes us more fearful, or more courageous, or more prudent--but, you can never just pretend like it didn't happen. (not that you should dwell, either...but the past is there--to be learned from, to acknowledge and maybe even to be forgiven from)

And the best part of this book is that Amir does find a way to be good again. (You've got to read the book to find out how!) I kind of feel like in the past year I've found a way to be good again too...ok, well maybe not really "good"...but, I've discovered how to reconcile with my own "bad" past, without burying it. So, while the past may influence my future, it won't hamper or control it.

30 Days--Let the Countdown Begin

It has been 2 years since I was last in the Outer Banks. And in 30 short days I will be back! YES! It is the best vacation spot ever, hands down. I'm so looking forward to just relaxing on the beach with a great book and swimming in the ocean. Until then...

Nothing like a hot tub on the second floor deck during sunset

(my niece learned everything she knows about Frisbee from her Aunt Liz)

loved this weekend.

I had a fantastic day off work today. I went to bed around last night 11:30PM and did not wake up until 10! I haven't slept that hard in a while and it was great. I planted some flowers for my sister and took my dog on a 45 minute walk (she is sorely out of shape, I was practically dragging her at the end!) I also got $50 off my Verizon bill (thank God, $108 was a little steep) and arranged for some $ work to be done on my car. I also squeezed in a 45 minute nap (yep add that to the 10.5 hours of sleep) and some television. Let's just say most of these tasks proved quite difficult with the limited mobility in my legs. I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I am nuts walking down my steep driveway backwards. Oh well :-) Tomorrow a slow jog is in store, we will see how far I make it.

Speaking of great, this weekend was AWESOME: new job, Spider-man 3 (lots of up close shots of Harry's smile), my good friend Nicole visited (and ran the half marathon--WAY TO GO!), the Flying Pig marathon (complete with our own cheering squad--thanks Katy, Jana, Sarah, Sarah, Aaron, Evan, Bragg, Amy, Jason, Laura--I think I can still hear the ringing of Aaron's cowbell in my ear!), Marsha crossing the finishing line first (which I may NEVER hear the end of until next year's rematch), perfect running weather, a great time laughing, chatting, playing games (could use a little practicing on cornhole though), eating at the post-pig pig out.

Could not have asked for a better weekend. Wish me luck on figuring out how to exactly resign from the current job. That is tomorrow's task!

a side note--the girl across the street apparently is being tested on her ability to play the recorder (remember that grade school instrument?)...it's not going well...and with the nice weather the windows are open, and well, it'd be cool if she stopped playing, say, NOW!

A Great Weekend Ahead

There is so much going on this weekend! I get kind of stressed just thinking about it--really I just get stressed thinking about how I am going to figure out where to park for the Flying Pig AND get to the start by 6:30 when I don't even really know where the start is (hence why it is mandatory for Marsha to ride with me). When I ran the NYC marathon, the worst part of it was actually getting over to Staten Island for the start. BUT--this is Cincinnati, not New York city...I'm sure I'll manage :)

And although I'm sure you've already heard this (because the 5 of you who read my blog, probably read other people's blogs that say the same thing)...there is a big party after the Flying Pig from 4PM - 9PM at 650 Riddle Road in Clifton. Should be a fantastic time--lots of food, drinks, games, my friend Nicole, and the debut of one of my most prized possessions--my Wooster cornhole set! You would NOT want to miss out. A suggested $15 at the door gets you all this entertainment, food, drinks, and the entire $15 is being donated to Luz Y Vida, an orphanage in Bogota, Colombia (where some people will be traveling in July to donate the money and serve as well).

...and if you're tough enough to wake up early Sunday (and c'mon, you can sleep when you're dead!--my mother's favorite expression) come to Eggleston and Third and help cheer on the runners. What else could you possibly having going on at 6:30AM that is more important???

a few things

1. One of my best friends from college, Nicole, will be here in 2 days...spectacular!
2. Large trash pick up was this week in my neighborhood. And it's kind of scary. People drive around in large vans and trucks and go "shopping" for other people's junk. We put out an old lawn mower, vacuum, 2 doors, and some garden fencing and by morning there wasn't much left. After all my skepticism, my sister and I spotted a really nice dresser and vanity mirror down the street--only to be swept up by someone in like 5 seconds. One man's trash really is another man's treasure...
3. I have a really bad paper cut. I HATE paper cuts. They seem so insignificant, yet are so painful.
4. I have GOT to get to bed early tonight. I love 8 hours of sleep, 6 hours--not so much.
5. Tonight will be awesome--marion's! The best pizza ever--where they count out the exact number of paper plates/napkins you use and only accept cash. Which reminds me a trip to the ATM is in order.
6. I don't have to work Monday...ahhh fabulous.
7. Flying Pig Marathon (well half for yours truly) Sunday!
8. Excited about seeing a man in tights Friday night...already got my ticket...did you?!?!
9. My car battery decided to die yesterday morning. Luckily it chose to do so at a gas station, and the gas attendant man was quite helpful in jumping the battery (and giving me an "amazingly low" estimate on a new battery). On another note, I need to learn how to use jumper cables. Actually, I need to purchase some jumper cables. I need like a "car knowledge 101" course...how to change a tire, use jumper cables, parallel park...
10. I ordered 3 new books...and I can't WAIT until they come :-)

that's all i got...it's been a slightly uneventful week

He would be perfect if he existed.

I listened to the third talk in this series by Erwin McManus and his wife last night and his wife asked 3 single women to finish the sentence "he would be perfect if ____." One person responded, "if he existed." And it stuck with me because that's so me. Miss man-hating, negativity, there's-no-way-there's-"the one"-out-there-for-me-because-no-one-is-good-enough me. And while I definitely believe that having solid standards for choosing a spouse is crucial, I also think that having unreasonable expectations can be crippling in our search for our lifelong partner.

I have created this image in my head of the perfect husband--and he's the culmination of many factors. From failed relationships I know what I don't want--dishonesty, desperation, no passion, no ambition, actions driven solely by insecurity, etc. But, I think a lot of what I envision as this great husband, comes from fictional representations--movies, books, television--characters who men could never really be like in real life faced with the same circumstances. But, we kind of expect them to. And we're so disappointed when our men don't stand up to that fictional standard.

And the most interesting thing in all of this, is how none of my focus in finding my spouse is on me. The shift must move from them (the imperfect, ever-failing, always weak men) to me. If I'm so focused on the other person passing some checklist I have in my mind, how am I working and learning to be a good spouse myself? To be supportive, to be sympathetic, to be compassionate, to be humble. Clearly what I am teaching myself by examining any man I date so closely, is to be critical, to point out shortcomings, to highlight failures.

By placing the focus on me and on my character, I can put myself in a position to choose wisely, and also to choose confidently, without wondering when the person's failures will be revealed or when I will grow tired of him.

So today I say farewell to Mr. Darcy, Coach Chandler, Noah, Johnny Castle, Will Hunting, Maverick, Jack Dawson, Tristan Ludlow, etc. While you all make a lovely fantasy, in the end you are fictional. And I'm completely positive the real thing will be 100 times better.

Note to Self...

Don't try to save time by watering your newly planted flowers on your lunch when the hose is not properly attached to the water fixture-thingy. You (and your work clothes) will get soaked. And in the end, no time will be saved.

Lesson learned.

A Brilliant Disguise

So tell me what I see
When I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
Or just a brilliant disguise

-Bruce Springsteen, Brilliant Disguise

Sometimes I think we are all big liars. We're so good at creating the image of ourselves we want people to see. We say the right things, make the right jokes, tell the right stories, and let people in just close enough, without letting them really know us.

I am definitely like this. I let some personal stories out here or there, but not the really awful, embarrassing, shameful ones. I don't mind if people know I struggle with certain things--but not other things. I'm honest to a point, but the rest I keep to myself--known to no one.

And maybe this is why it's so hard to understand each other sometimes--because we're so caught up in playing the reputation game, in creating an image of ourself that's admirable and likable that we never quite know each other well enough to effectively encourage and support.

We spend so much time fixated on this brilliant disguise. We're careful about what we say and do around people and very prudently release personal information. Because, the less somebody knows about me, the harder it will be for that person to hurt or reject me.

We go around living in fear that one day we'll let someone in--and he or she will bail. It's ironic because while I long for someone to really know me and care for me, I am so unwilling to shed my own brilliant disguise.

If we really desire to be known and understood by people, why are we so afraid to let our guard down and be vulnerable/our true selves?

As Long as You're Happy

4Now he had to go through Samaria. 5So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.

7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.^[a])

10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

13Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

15The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."

16He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

17"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

19"Sir," the woman said, "I can see that you are a prophet. 20Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem."

21Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

25The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

26Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."

John 4:5-26

I love this interaction Jesus has with the Samaritan woman. I love it because I have felt like this woman. I love it because Jesus doesn’t condemn her lifestyle, but speaks truth to her in a way that creates in her a desire for change. I think it’s awfully hard to see people close to us making decisions we don’t think are wise, or “Godly” or whatever. No one likes to be called out on making poor decisions, but we love to be praised and admired when we do “good” things.

So often, I make choices that reflect a desire to drink from wells that will go dry. I trade in the living well that God provides for instant gratification, the allure of worldly success, or the affirmation of those around me. And even though time and time again I realize that drinking from that well leaves me thirsty and exhausted, I still try to find my own well to sustain me, rather than accepting the free, living water God provides.

And I see this in people close to me as well. One failed relationship? Just jump into another. Bad day at work? Happy hour(s) ought to do the trick. Fear of commitment? A one-night stand lifestyle is fine—no one gets hurt, right? We go through life with this—hey whatever makes you happy—mentality. But, it’s like Sheryl Crow sang (and I am so pissed tickets to her concert sold out in like one second..grr) “if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?”

We’re sad because we try to create circumstances that will sustain us that never do. We expect relationships to meet all of our needs that can never be met by one person. And we keep going back for more. Our thirst never gets quenched. We are never satisfied by these cheap substitutes. Sure, a night of drinking can help me forget the pain of being lonely, but how long does that last—2 hours? Sure, hooking up can make me feel desired and attractive—but what about the next day? Full of shame, disgusted with myself, and no closer to having my insecurities fixed.

Jesus promises us living water—He promises us that once we drink, we will thirst no more. Our desires, our passions, our deepest longings will be quenched. I just don’t get why so often I’m like the prodigal son—running off, trying to find and create my own living water when God offers it to me for free?

The substitutes don’t work. And it breaks my heart to see so many people get caught up in the crap that this world “offers” because I’ve been sucked in by it, too. But, it just leaves you feeling more thirsty, more messed up, and more frustrated with yourself.

Why do we stay enslaved to our self-created substitutes, when we can experience freedom by drinking from God’s living water?

because Jana has pink eye

I get an email telling me she is bored and needs me to update my blog. Nice. So, Jana, here is my morning so far--

6:05 Wake up, hit snooze
6:14 Wake up, wonder why snooze is 9 mins and not 10, hit snooze again
6:23 Actually get up, hack up a lung, brush teeth, put contacts in, realize one has a tear and open a new box
6:27 Check weather.com to see if it's raining (yes we have windows on our house)
6:30 Feed dog and take her outside
6:40 Walk outside to start my run
6:40.30 realize the trash can is knocked over and that Rocky the racoon is sitting at the end of the driveway eating leftover pork chops
6:41 Pry the trash bag away from Rocky (no lie), then shudder with disgust
6:42 Run
7:25 Return home, stretch/lay on the floor and wish I could go back to bed
7:35 Shower and talk to Mom on the phone about how she's not coming this weekend
7:50 Try to find clean clothes to wear to work
7:51 Chase my dog around to get back the sandal she stole from my closet
7:53 Make up, hair, etc.
8:05 Make some toast in the oven because we have no toaster, peel open a yogurt
8:10 Bfast and Today show
8:30 Leave for work
8:34 Daily stop at Tim H's
8:45 Arrive at work, drink coffee, check cnn.com and hotmail
9:00 Start really working--looking up laws about whether vocational school students should get paid for doing massages since their employer makes a profit (no lie)
9:30 Break to read blogs--get urgent email from Jana that she's bored, reheat coffee in micro
9:40 Work again

That about does it. Jana, you are all caught up.

Bragg to the Rescue

If you know me at all, you know how bad I am with directions...and you will enjoy this story :-)

So today I drove downtown for my interview. I followed my friend's directions (or so I thought) and tried to park in the parking garage by the stadium. Apparently, though, you have to have either a $1 or $5 dollar bill for the automated attendant. After trying to shove a $20 in there and having it spit the bill back at me, I reversed out of the garage and started driving aimlessly to find a parking garage near the building.

I had NO IDEA where I was going...although I was wise enough to realize crossing the river would not be a wise idea. So, I hedged a bet that Bragg would answer his phone and could maybe at least guide me to East 4th street.

Not only did he answer his phone, he told me to stay put (which I did) and he drove to where I was. The he had me follow him to a close parking garage that had an actual parking attendant, and proceeded to wait to drive me to the front of my building to make sure I got there on time and didn't get rained on.

Odds are good I would still be driving around Cincinnati right now if Bragg hadn't happened to be downtown at the time AND had screened my call.

So, THANKS BRAGG...I def owe ya! :-)

if i could type what a cough sounds like...

still haven't stopped coughing...

in the meantime...enjoy these pics of my dog (and some other people I love)

Who Needs a Doctor?

So I have this cough. This I can't take a deep breath without feeling the need to cough-cough. Some say it's allergies (including my dog's vet...which is a whole other funny story)--which I have never had before. But, it's a dry cough. I don't have a cold. I'm not stuffed up...I'm not achy...just a dry, itchy cough.

I'm not really one for the doctor. In fact, I don't actually have a doctor down here...and maybe I should. But, I decided to do a little self-diagnosis on WebMD (at the prompting of a colleague no doubt annoyed by my constant cough). WebMD is the coolest website...you can actually list your symptoms and it tells you what you might have. From my symptoms (I actually only have one symptom--dry cough), I may have latent tuberculosis, chronic sinusitis, asbestosis (though I've never been in contact with asbsestos to my knowledge), viral pneumonia, hay fever, the common cold, or allergies. Um, that seems a little broad...but still a fun website if you're ever sick, and bored (and participating in a meeting via video feed on your computer).

So, yea, it'd be cool if this cough went away, say over night. In the meantime, at least my abs are getting a good workout...so I've got that goin' for me...

POWER

8When Pilate heard this, he was even more afraid, 9and he went back inside the palace. "Where do you come from?" he asked Jesus, but Jesus gave him no answer. 10"Do you refuse to speak to me?" Pilate said. "Don't you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?"

11Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."
-John 19:8-11

We all have power. Whether it's holding a certain amount of influence over the friends we hang out with, or being in a managerial position at work, or being a coach of a team, or having a lot of money--even if we don't fully realize it, we all have power.

Recently, I have felt very convicted that God has given me a certain amount of power as an attorney. And I feel like I am squandering that power in my current job. Attorneys have so much influence in our world--members of boards, serving the community through Legal Aid or pro bono work, political positions, foundational work. Nearly every individual will come into contact with an attorney at some point in his/her life--whether it's to create a will, file taxes, file for divorce, bring a personal injury lawsuit, get a contract drafted, you get the picture.

When I think of the multitude of people I could come across and meet, and more importantly serve, it's kind of exciting. But, where I am now, I sit in an office, do research, and maybe come into contact with a handful of my colleagues. And it's not cutting it. Professionally, I don't feel fulfilled. Spiritually, I feel like I am wasting away the power God has entrusted to me with my position.

I think it's really cool to realize you have power, that you have the ability to make a difference. But, now that I've realized that power, I think it's time to utilize it. Jesus used his power to help and protect the powerless--and I think on some level, I have the ability to do that as an attorney. However, it's not really going to get done until I get out there and take part--and trade in a safe/secure job for one that provides me with more opportunities to leverage the power entrusted to me to help the powerless.

Not sure if that made any sense...but it's just been on my heart :-)

A Single Girl's Sometimes-es...

Sometimes…

i wonder if i will ever be a wife
i love being single

i crave attention from men
i feel like bait in a sea of sharks

i am flattered when a guy likes me, even if i don’t like him
i hate the game
i play hard to get
i love to flirt

i want to hold hands and take a walk at night
i dream about going out to dinner with a man and driving back in the same car together to the home we share

i think men suck and are big fat liars

i think i should care more about my appearance
i am so incredibly vain

i want a man to think i look attractive in my favorite old school green sweat pants with OHHS on the butt
i love wearing my black cocktail dress, with high heels, and fancy jewelry

i am not sure guys and girls can really be friends

i like my peep-toe black pumps better than the last guy i dated

i hold a baby and wonder if i'll ever have one of my own
i hold a baby and wonder if i would have any clue what to do as a mother

i wish Matt Damon would just come to his senses and marry me already
i think i will marry the man who hands me my Tim Horton’s everyday because i love how he calls me “miss” while he says “here’s the good stuff”

i wish there were more men who were passionate about their mission in life, rather than about finding a wife or getting laid
i wish men would communicate more with words and speech, rather than texts, email, and myspace messages

i hate awkward conversations in-person and would rather send an email

i am scared to death of forever
i want to be somebody’s “the one” and have him really mean it

the truth comes out

So I listened to this talk last night by Erwin McManus and while the talk was pretty decent, I thought I would share what I considered to be the deepest point of wisdom...

All single guys are essentially jerks.

how true.

a prayer for encouragement

God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honour and glory.

-Saint Augustine

My Take on The Holiday

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.

-Iris, The Holiday


Have you ever loved somebody who didn't love you back? I have and it SUCKS. I spent nearly 2 years believing someone who had fallen in love with me (and fallen out of love with me) would suddenly want me back. We'd go back and forth, back and forth...and it was just such a waste!

We've got to get past wanting somebody so badly it becomes desperation. We've got to stop making excuses for men (or women) who fail to pursue us, but linger around enough to keep us interested. We have to stop waiting for them to become the men we think they can be....or wish they were. We have to discover that chasing after a man who's not chasing you, is well, worthless...and a waste of our precious time.

It's hard though. We get infatuated and caught up in the whirlwind. We see past the bad things this individual does as soon as he does something sweet. One considerate moment covers 100 inconsiderate ones.

But, I believe, ladies...we are created to be pursued and chased after. I don't want to be the one seeking...I want to be the one being sought.

And maybe that means I will be dateless, or maybe that means men will be intimidated by me...but it sure beats engaging in a one-sided love affair, pining after a someone who hardly thinks of me.

Besides, if by next Christmas I'm still single, I'm doing a house swap with someone in England and will meet my own version of the surprisingly-hot-and-sweet-Jude Law in this movie :-)

10 Good Things

1. I rediscovered ambition this weekend (inspired by a friend who tells it like it is and a GAP shirt that said bo(red) and made me think of my current job)
2. Billy Joel '07--$100 dollar seats for $15
3. Ending Friday night with a sandwich from Panini's--can't beat a sandwich that includes a fried egg and french fries on it
4. Stealing a Book It certificate from my sister and forging my niece's name (it has to be a student!) on it to get myself a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut for dinner Sunday night.
5. There was still snow on the ground in Cleveland...but there isn't here!
6. The Holiday -- go rent it. It is awesome.
7. Shun. Unshun. Reshun. If you don't get it--shame on you.
8. I owe $0 on my city of Sylvania taxes...the first time ever not owing city taxes!
9. Warm weather is coming
10. Making the trip back from Cleveland in less than 3.5 hours and no speeding ticket! :-)

Cleve-land Rocks!

So I leave for Cleveland after a short 4 hour work day today and all I can think is THANK GOD. Ever feel like you just need to get away? This little weekend excursion could not have been better timed. So here's to a great weekend with my college roomie and hopefully no snow in the land of the worst team in the NFL...


TGIF and Have a great weekend (including a scare-free Friday the 13th) :-)

God is Love

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8


I once gave a talk at a Young Life club about God's love. I used this passage because I figured most of the people listening had probably heard it before. It must be the most used passage at weddings ever (absolutely no statistical data to back that up). I brought up the way we throw around the phrase "unconditional love" here in this world to describe the love between a wife and a husband or a parent and a child. And then concluded that since none of us (or our relationships) are failure-free, or patient, or always kind, and never boasting, etc...that maybe that's why it's so hard to grasp that God is love. Because we can't picture and haven't experienced a love that has never failed, never been jealous (or rude) or especially never kept a record of wrongs.

I believe there is no pure unconditional love in this world. All our relationships and emotions are tied to conditions and circumstances. While we may get glimpses of unconditional love—perhaps in seeing a healthy couple who is in love, or a parent’s love for a child—I don’t think anyone can point out a loving relationship that isn’t at some level conditional.

We are loved/accepted if we are intelligent, work hard, achieve success or wealth, are honest and considerate, etc. We are not loved or accepted if we cheat on a significant other, for example. We live in this world where we try and try to keep our mistakes and failures hidden for fear that those around us will dislike us. Our reputation is everything. And our reputation is determined by our actions—the way we live our lives. It’s this constant balancing act—between messing up and trying to earn back respect and affirmation from others.

When we live like this, which I think to some degree we all do (it seems impossible not to), our lives become a roller coaster. Up and down, up and down, success and failure, success and failure. Someone criticizes us—we get depressed or pissed off; someone praises our success—we are happy and excited. But, all the while, we are constantly trying to get that “high” feeling by satisfying some condition of love.

Just like on a roller coaster, I get sick trying to consistently meet the world's conditions and win approval and respect. Those dramatic changes in emotions leave me feeling worn out, and inevitably like a failure, because I know that even if I’ve impressed someone, just around the corner another mistake will surely come and I will have to start all over again.

So, I have to ask myself why I so strongly seek to be loved unconditionally by the world, when I know that it’s impossible. Instead of ditching the balancing act and the roller coaster ride in favor of receiving God’s unconditional love, I seem addicted to the highs and lows; and consumed by meeting every condition the world throws my way.

God never withholds his love. Never. And I think on some level I don’t race to those outstretched arms because I feel I don’t deserve that love. I haven’t earned it. I am so wrapped up in the world’s standards, it is nonsensical to me that God would love me no matter how many times I’ve done dishonest things, or hurt others, or failed miserably. It just doesn’t seem right.

But, seriously, how can we ever experience freedom while setting up camp on the world’s roller coaster?

I need a spring break.

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

ever wish you could take a break from responsibilities and meetings and the junk that eats up time?

LizzyB on compassion...

So a week or so back, something happened to me. It involved some dishonesty, relationship issues and the like. Details are left out to protect the guilty :) (i'm kidding)

I started to wonder why I wasn't more upset at what this person had done to this other person. And it hit me--I had done practically the same thing about two years ago. I wasn't angry because I figured if he had gotten to that point, thing were probably pretty messed up in his life. I had this rare glimpse of what I think is meant by compassion.

I feel sorry for people often--the way that you maybe pity a person who is begging on the streets--a distant, far off kind of sympathy. When I was young, my mom used to tell me I had a bleeding heart (I remember thinking how scary that sounded...for a while I really thought something was wrong with me.). I would always want to give poor people spare change, or send money to the orphanages that were advertised on television. I remember during one canned food drive at school, I wiped out our pantry...I think I even took in the evaporated milk. My mom thought I was nuts (and was pretty pissed off). But, I've always felt sorry for those less fortunate than I am.

I think compassion is different than pity. I think compassion is a feeling of understanding that we are all so messed up and broken. Realizing that our relationships get torn apart, we do crazy things, hurt people all in a desperate attempt to heal our brokenness. It's universal, it's human.

Compassion is up close and personal because brokenness is universal. We realize that we are all one step away from self destruction. We have compassion for others because we know our lives are messy, are filled with heartaches, and failed dreams. We have compassion for others because we've hurt people too, because we've made terrible decisions with awful consequences. We have compassion for others because we, too, carry the burden of being human, of wanting to make wiser choices, and yet, still making poor ones. Compassion is knowing that any turn of events could put us in the same circumstances as our neighbor--that our lives are really not that different, that our defensive responses, and self-preserving attitudes are the same.

So maybe we live in a bigger house (or smaller one), or drive a nice car, or have a fancy title at the end of our name (esq. :-))...we are still human, we still need a Savior every day. And our human-ness is what unites us, and what commands us to be compassionate. We recognize ourselves in the struggles of others, in the success and failures of others, in the attempts to fix and control things ourselves, in the ways we long for acceptance, in our desire for lasting relationships, and in our longing for love.

This whole idea of compassion has just really hit me recently. For me, it means cutting people some slack, not being so quick to pass judgment. Because, honestly, chances are good I've done the same thing, or will at some point. I can be just as cruel, as joyful, as deceptive, and as whatever-else as the next person. We are all so broken and we act in ways that protect ourselves. And the brokenness that we all share creates the space for compassion. It's not about feeling sorry for people, but instead recognizing how desperately we need Jesus.

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
-Galatians 6:14

Happy Easter!

Matthew 28:1-10

The Resurrection

1After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

5The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

8So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

I hope your Easter is filled with jelly beans (the black ones are awesome), Peter cotton tail, Easter lilies, brunch, maybe some ham, family time, easter egg hunts, reflection, joy, that fake grass that seems to get stuck to everything, an overflowing Easter basket, colored eggs, chocolate bunnies, and all things sugar-coated and wonderful.

Ways to Repel Men II

Never Let the Guy Win

I'm very competitive. I like to win, usually at all costs (which may or may not involve cheating...just kidding !). I once dated a guy and somehow we ended up going head to head in a swimming race. I even let him borrow my goggles and I still won...and instead of thinking, "wow, Liz is a fast swimmer," he just said, you are ruthless about winning. (may have had something to do with me cutting him off at the end and me making us keep score while watching jeopardy ;) ) Needless to say, I hurt his pride and we didn't go out again after that!

So, once in a while ladies...let the guy win (even if you have to milk it)

What a Concept

Revolutionary Christians are not insensitive to what motivates others, but they evaluate what they see and hear around them in the light of their own vision. They are happy and glad to have people listen to them but are not out to form groups around themselves. No cliques can grow up around them, for they attach themselves exclusively to no human being. What they say and do has a convincing ring and even a self-evident truth, but they force their opinions on no one and are not annoyed when someone doesn't adopt their opinion or doesn't do as they wish.

In everything, these revolutionaries seem to have a concrete and living goal in mind, the realization of which is of vital importance. Yet a great inner freedom is maintained in light of this goal...They are careful and cautious, certainly not reckless, and yet it comes out at every turn that they count their own lives as of secondary importance. They don't live merely to hold out but to work for a new world, the outlines of which they see and which appeal to them so much that even the fear of death no longer has a decisive power over them.

-Henri J.M. Nouwen

i want to be a revolutionary...but can a human ever fit this? can we look beyond the traditions, the norm, comfort, security? can a new world appeal to me more than the world in which i live--the world i see and experience daily? can we let go of our fears of not being accepted, of not achieving notoriety, of not calling the shots?

New Office Thursday

Thank God.