The Beauty of Doing Nothing

I'm in the midst of reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'll save my review of the entire book when I'm actually finished with it, but I came across this passage last night:

Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure. Ours is an entertainment seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure seeking one. Americans spend billions to keep themselves amused with everything from porn to theme parks to wars, but that's not exactly the same thing as quiet enjoyment...Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring at the TV in a mild coma (which is the opposite of working, yes, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure). Americans don't really know how to do nothing.

She writes this passage while retelling her time spent in Italy--a country whose people cleary grasp the concept of taking pleasure in doing nothing. I really think in America (particularly corporate America), we're often made to feel guilty when we are "doing nothing." We are expected to be available 24/7--via e-mail or text or fax. We can't go on vacation without our blackberries and laptops, constantly yanked back to the stress of work the way I yank my dog around on a walk.

When I came back from my European vacation in the summer of 2003, I was convinced I was going to finish law school, learn Italian, and move to Italy and just be. But, alas, I got caught up in to-do lists, and career goals, blah blah. I think what most attracted me to Italy was just the more relaxed culture. I'm certainly not promoting a hedonistic existence, and I don't think the Bible guides to seek pleasure at all costs; but, I also don't believe America's culture of greed and career success is the end goal.

So, yeah, this memoir is making me think about how I can better appreciate the beauty of doing nothing. (In Italian it's il bel far niente, a pleasure even to say it!).

At the very least, maybe I should learn Italian. It's been 5 years since I came back from Europe and I still haven't done that...

Get Your TiVO Ready!

Tonight at 8PM on CBS, the newest reality show, Greatest American Dog, will premier. Before you ask, the dog pictured above will not be on the show--but that's only because I didn't enter her and didn't even know it existed!

I know what you're thinking--reality television has gone too far this time! But, c'mon. You know you love American Idol and Dancing with the Stars. And maybe you won't admit it, but you've watched the Bachelor and America's Got Talent. So does it really seem that far off to watch a television show about man's best friend?

Even though America's Greatest Dog (see above) won't be featured, I'm looking forward to checking out this newest of reality tv shows! Enjoy ;-)

*Edit: I don't know what was going on with that original picture, but here is one just as cute!

Modern Love

Last night before I went to bed, I was reading the New York Times online and somehow stumbled on this essay. NYT held an essay contest for college students to write about "modern love". This essay was a runner-up (there are four you can click to from there) and wow, did it define exactly how our modern world views love. I highly recommend reading all four-but this one in particular.

Most people I know my age have assumed a cynical, casual approach to love. Watch most movies made today or read new books and you rarely see a romantic, beautiful portrayal of a maturing, long-lasting relationship. Instead, you see selfishness, cheating, dishonesty, and purely ego-centric values glorified. Modern media affirms for us what we've learned from the exploding divorce rate and dysfunctional families. Marriages don't last. Relationships are too hard to be worth it. That soulmate stuff is just B.S.

People no longer go on dates. Instead, we adopt a "no strings attached" philosophy and convince ourselves that this is the way you never get hurt. We don't need to learn things like grace and compromise because modern relationships have no expectations--it's only about getting our instant needs met and moving on. We travel in groups of friends rather than committing to one person, moving from one casual encounter to the next-all the while convincing ourselves that this is freedom.

I've lived that philosophy and admit there are times it seems attractive. BUT, my experience has taught me that having such a selfish, fearful approach to relationships is anything but freeing.

I refuse to latch on to this modern myth that real love is impossible. I realize it's work. I realize I must sacrifice, mature, compromise, learn to be more flexible and grow up. I admit few relationships stand up to the Nicholas Sparks standard. But I believe real love is worth it. Contrary to our world's portrayal, real love is exciting-not boring, it's passionate--not ordinary.

Don't give up.

*In case you don't plan on clicking the link and reading the article, here is my favorite passage from the essay:

We’ve grown up in an age of rampant divorce and the accompanying tumult. The idea that two people can be happy together, maturing alongside each other, seems as false as a fairy tale. So when a relationship ends, it isn’t seen as bad. It’s held as evidence that the relationship was never any good to begin with.

MAYBE it’s just that we have learned nothing can compare to the perfect moment of the unexpected hookup — wet lips on the beach, lying in the sand — and so we aim to accumulate as many as possible. Or maybe we’re simply too immature to commit. That has been the rap against guys forever, but now women think the same way. With the world (and the world of sex) at our fingertips, it’s difficult to choose, to settle, to compromise.

But I do occasionally wonder: If we can’t get past ourselves and learn to sacrifice to be with another, then what is in store? A generation of selfish go-getters fueled by nothing more than our own egos, forever seeking that rare dose of self-esteem? An era of loneliness filled with commercial wants and mate selection based on the shallowest of criteria?

As a staunch proponent of my generation, I believe that, despite what it may seem, we appreciate the ways of love and affection but are simply waiting for them to take over. We might dally in the land of easy sex and stilted text-message flirtation, but deep down we crave the warm embrace of all-consuming love.
-"Let's Not Get to Know Each Other Better", Joel Walkowski, June 8, 2008-New York Times

The next time you begin to make a lawyer joke...

Consider this:

The average amount of law school debt owed at graduation soared 431 percent between 1987 to 2005, from $16,000 to $85,000...For some students, law school pays handsome dividends. With starting salaries at $160,000 and above at large New York City firms, even students who borrow $100,000 or more to attend law school reap substantial economic rewards. But most lawyers do not start at $160,000; the median starting salary at a two-to 10 lawyer firm is a whopping $110,000 less than at a Wall Street powerhouse [$50,000].*

-The New Math of Legal Education, Andrew P. Morriss and William D. Henderson, July 2008

I came across this article in my American Bar Association monthly journal and to be honest, the cost of my legal education weighs on me often. While consumer debt is one evil to be sure, the cost of higher education in America is getting out of control. I may not have amassed the average amount of debt as most law students, but that was only because I made a conscious decision to live with my parents and attend the University of Toledo. I could have attended a "better" school in perhaps a flashier city, but at what cost?

I don't know what the answer to the problem of soaring student loan debt in this country is, but I do know that this is not an issue that gets too much political attention (though, admittedly I may be misinformed!). Some entity is making a killing here-and I'm guessing it's all those loan consolidation companies that attack you once your grace period ends with the federal government.

The anxiety associated with my own student loan debt is exhausting. While I don't want to use it as an excuse, that large monthly payment is a huge factor that I always have to consider when I think about my future. It feels immobilizing.

My point in all this is that students should be better educated about the "cost" of their education. It saddens me to think of college freshman picking a major solely based on what job he/she can get after college to pay off that enormous debt. College should be a place where you learn how to learn; not where you pick up a trade. I'm so thankful I attended a liberal arts school and graduated with a degree in history/English rather than some degree that is essentially a voucher for a job. I'm a better writer for it. I'm a better lawyer for it. Mostly, I'm a better thinker for it (I know, that's debatable!).

America is the richest country in the world, yet we've created a higher education system that enslaves its graduates financially. People should be free to learn--and shouldn't be punished and targeted financially for their decision. And politicians should be ashamed for not investigating this issue more.

Anyway...sorry for the rant. But, just some food for thought the next time you think that lawyer you know is fancy and rich and lives a life of luxury. ;-)

*Starting prosecutors in Lucas County, Ohio (Toledo) make less than a starting teacher in a public school.

You Know You're From Toledo When...

I'm off to Toledo for the Fourth of July weekend. In honor, I thought I'd share the following I came across...
Have a great long weekend! I can't wait to sleep in :-)

You Know You're from Toledo When...


1.) You're tired of hearing about Katie Holmes.
2.) You refuse to call it Westfield Shopping Center, because we all know it is really Franklin Park Mall.
3.) You've had a Rudy's hot dog, and have concluded with the rest of Toledo that it's really not that great.
4.) You freeze your butt off walking around the Toledo Zoo at 10 degrees because you want to see Christmas lights.
5.) You know how to drive in snow, rain, and hail.
6.) You know where the original Tony Packo's is at and you know what type of food famous people sign on the walls.
7.) If you see a driver who's driving erratically, you automatically check for the Michigan license plate.
8.) You know what Magic Wok is.
9.) Visiting Cedar Point is a tradition dating back to the elementary school years.
10.) You have a favorite room in the Toledo Art Museum.
11.) You know who Jamie Farr is.
12.) Cosi was a yearly class field trip.
13.) You graduated at the Stranahan.
14.) You know what Krogering is.
15.) You felt cool going to Ohio Skate on weekends as a kid.
16.) Your school was cancelled because of the 7 inches of snow you got during the night.
17.) You remember when Toledo didn't have ANY Wal-Marts.
18.) "Everybody's Zooing It" means something to you, and you can sing the song, weird accent and all.
19.) Seeing a giant, neon-colored, plastic frog sitting on the sidewalk is nothing unusual.
20.) You're so used to driving in construction that you feel odd driving where you can't see orange barrels.
21.) You know what Meijer is.
22.) You've been to a Mud Hens game.
23.) Your mayor decides to change the fire hydrant color.
24.) You get stopped by a train almost daily.
25.) You think having four all-girls and boys Catholic high schools in one city is normal.
26.) You know that Smurf ice cream is the only flavor worth eating at Mr. G's Barn.
27.) Your mayor has gotten into almost-fist-fights with people.
28.) You get into a legal jam and call Sam Bolotin.
29.) You'd rather drive an hour to Detroit than fly out of Toledo Express.
30.) You hate The Blade, but read it anyway.
31.) You miss Dave Carlson and now believe the weather is no longer the same.
32.) You know where to get the best Mexican/Chinese/Italian/Pizza, but still proclaim Toledo is running out of good restaurants.
33.) You can finish this Banner Mattress commercial: "No gimmicks, no tricks till 200_"
34.) You got confused when they added onto the mall.
35.) You agree Toledo is "a great place to raise a family" but you want to get the hell out as soon as possible.
36.) You're torn between rooting for BG or UT.
37.) You know of at least 3 clubs downtown, but are too afraid to go to any of them.
38.) You know Major Magic's was way better than Chuck E. Cheese's.
39.) You know what Q-Zar is and have a favorite team color.
40.) You have gotten or almost gotten a ticket in Ottawa Hills.
41.) You have at least one Race for the Cure t-shirt.
42.) You judge people by which Kroger's they go to.
43.) You know where the only White Castle in Toledo is.
44.) You remember the tunnel that used to go to the zoo and have jumped on the metal hatch at least 6 dozen times.
45.) It's not mini golf. It's putt-putt.
46.) You have four network TV news stations, but you only take two of them seriously.
47.) You know your choice in colors on OSU vs. Michigan day cuts out any decent conversation with half of your friends, because unlike most of Ohio towns, Toledo is 50% Michigan fans 50% Ohio State fans.
48.) You go to Michigan regularly and enjoy it even if you hate the team.
49.) You are used to food festivals (German, Polish, Irish and every other festival) and go to them even if you aren't of the nationality.
50.) You can explain snow and every other weather pattern.
51.) You drive around Sylvania because you know the neighborhoods with the best Christmas lights!
52.) You know why Toledo is called the "Glass City".
53.) Mentioning Telegraph Road conjures images of adult bookstores and strip clubs.
54.) You know that one of the most important battles ever to take place on the North American continent was the Battle of Fallen Timbers, yet they want to make the ground into another stupid mall.
55.) You can pronounce Maumee correctly.
56.) You know the best place in the world to buy cakes is Wixey's Bakery.
57.) You know what speed to drive on the Trail at night so that you never have to hit the brakes.
58.) You overheard at least one panicked conversation after the 9/11 attacks about how Davis-Besse was going to get blown up.
59.) You know and can explain what a buckeye is.
60.) Ending up in Michigan after taking a wrong turn does not incite panic because it's like going across the street.
61.) You remember Southwyck BEFORE it fell apart and became empty and crappy. Or you've even HEARD of Southwyck.
62.) You will always call MUO "MCO" and your parents will always call UT "TU."
63.) You wouldn't eat a fish from the Maumee River, and you wouldn't EVER swim in it.
64.) No matter what the story is, whether it's about a man from Japan or a tornado in Oklahoma, the news stations always find someone in Toledo who can relate or has been affected by it.
65.) You what they are referring to when they sing "There goes another one."
66.) You've paid less than $5 to park downtown for an entire day.
67.) You know what school a guy attends when he's referred to as a Frannie or a Johnny.
68.) You are well aware of the fact that there are three Kroger's along Glendale Avenue within 3 miles of each other.
69.) Macy's is still Marshall Field to you, or Marshall Field is still Hudson's. You also remember when Dillards was Lion.
70.) You remember when National Amusements didn't have a price-controlling monopoly on Toledo's major theaters.
71.) You claim that you hate going to the Jamie Farr (now Owens Corning) Classic at Highland Meadows, even though you really love it.
72.) You've met Marcy Kaptur.
73.) You can correctly answer the question on Trivial Pursuit Millenium Edition, about naming the mayor of an Ohio town that wanted to pass legislature to have all the deaf people moved out by the airport. THEN WE RE-ELECTED HIM!
74.) You know not to drive down Lagrange Street by yourself at night.
75.) You know who Walt Churchill is and remember Churchill's Supermarket.
76.) You know that when someone wants to be taken to St. V's, it's not a good thing.
77.) You tried to call a radio station and Johny D hung up on you.
78.) You hear "Springfield" and you know it has nothing to do with the Simpsons.
79.) You know that Spring Meadows has nothing to do with spring or meadows.
80.) Your childhood memories include riding the carousel at Southwyck Mall (before it got scary and empty).
81.) You remember when the Big Boy on Secor Road disappeared.
82.) A two bedroom apartment for $400/month is expensive.
83.) You've been on the Ohio Turnpike and don't mind paying the $0.50 to drive from the airport to Maumee because you know it will save time.
84.) You can remember the mummy being in the Egyptian room at the museum.
85.) You live in a suburb, but say you're from Toledo.
86.) The candidates for most elections are a party-endorsed Democrat and a Democrat running as an independent.
87.) You know that it's actually called Kroger but always say Krogers.
88.) You've been involved in or witnessed a fight break out at the Franklin Park Cinemas.
89.) You can drive 50mph through I-280's 35mph construction zone and know when to slow down cause there's usually a cop around the bend.
90.) You know that the BEST place to buy corn and strawberries is Monnette's Market!
91.) You frequently avoid seeing movies until they go to Super Cinemas and you can see it for $2 instead of $10.
92.) You think nothing of it when it snows one day and the day after, it's 70.
93.) You realize 1/3 of the population of Toledo has a Toledo Zoo sticker on their vehicle.
94.) You agree with John Denver that 'Saturday night in Toledo, Ohio is like being nowhere at all.'
95.) You measure distance in time and not miles.
96.) You know the slogan 'Toledo Loves its Jeep' and it means something to you.
97.) You remember those Affordable Chiropractic commercials where the guy always played the guitar.

Grateful

This morning I awoke to combination of my feet burning and itching. I looked down and saw two fresh blisters and several mosquito bites. Last night Steve and I walked up to Mt. Storm park prepared to read books and enjoy a picnic. Instead we were greeted by SWARMS of little gnats and mosquitos, and even some bees! My shoes rubbed my feet the whole way--thus the cause of this morning's new blisters.


So I hopped out of bed rather grumpy. After a shower which stung my blisters (I had to pop and drain them, of course!), I drove to work in an even grumpier mood. On my walk from the parking garage to my office, I started asking myself-why am I being SO negative? Blisters aren't so bad. A few mosquito bites aren't going to kill me.


I tell you what, there are days I just need a slap in the face to remind me to have a little perspective. Why is it so much easier for me to focus on the negative?


-I wish I made more money. I am blessed to have a job that provides me with plenty of money to clothe and feed myself. f I have more than enough to provide for basic necessities and am able to treat myself to many luxuries many people cannot afford.

-I need to lose 10 lbs. I am grateful for a healthy body. I am able to run nearly every day and have money to purchase healthy food.

-I hate these blisters and mosquito bites. I had a great time relaxing with Steve last night. How lucky am I to have him in my life?

-I hate having to work so many hours. I am thankful for a job that challenges me and is providing me with excellent experience for whatever I choose to do in the future. Many people in this economy are losing jobs, yet, I am blessed to be employed with plenty to do!

-It's so hot outside. I am thankful I can afford air conditioning to escape the heat. I am grateful I live close to swimming pools and know how to swim.


You get the idea. I know I can't just magically flip a switch and become the most optimistic person ever. But, before I open my mouth to complain, I want to try to use a little "perspective filter" and realize things are definitely not bad at all. Life is GOOD. I am BLESSED with friends and family who love me, an amazing little dog, an education--so many things that many people are missing. But, instead of waking up every morning and getting on my knees to thank God for my comfortable bed, air conditioning, LIFE, I gripe about how my feet hurt.


No more of this "woe is me" crap. I am one of the luckiest people I know.

Like a Fish Out of Water

I decided, against my better judgment, to do a triathlon on July 13 at Kings Island. Please don't be impressed--it's only a "sprint" triathlon, a 400 Meter Swim, 13 mile bike, and 3.1 mile run. I'm not too concerned with the run part. But, as for the bike/swim, I'm thinking I will be lucky to finish.

Tonight I decided to swim laps for the first time, in say, 3 years. Other than a brief stint when I broke my foot in 2006, I haven't swum laps since I was a senior in high school. YIKES. Let's just say it was awkward and really hard. Considering I used to race 500 Meters in under 6 minutes and it took me about 10 to swim my first 400 meters tonight, I'd say I'm in terrible shape. My lungs were strained, my arms burned, and I could barely swim for 30 minutes.  Nonetheless, swimming is such a great workout!  (And the hot tub when you're done is the best!) 

I think I'm going to be very sore come July 14.  

Vacation Re-Cap

Ok, so it's one week late. Seven days ago I returned from a much needed 10 day vacation to the Outer Banks-complete with endless sunshine, a very swim-able ocean and LOTS of delicious seafood. Perhaps best of all, Steve came along, met my crazy family for the first time, and we are still together! ;-)

I apologize in advance for the lack of photos. I am pretty sure my parents took 125 pictures of the grandkids and one picture of me, and since it was a picture of me on a beach in a bathing suit, it will not be going on this blog.

Highlights (in no particular order):

1. TOM-TOM-my newest and perhaps most favorite purchase ever. TOM was great at getting us to the OBX. If you don't have a GPS system, what are you waiting for? It is amazing-particularly for someone who is as directionally-challenged as myself.

2. Steve drove the entire way-there and back. I hate driving. I'm not a good driver and I love to sleep. So, this worked perfectly!

3. Outdoor shower. Enough said.
4. Wii bowling tournement with my family. I came in second. My mom ended up winning the $4 pot!

5. No pantyhose, suit jackets, high heels for 10 days. AHHHH.

6. Nighttime walk on the beach when there was a full moon. Gorgeous. The only distraction were the one million ghost crabs also joining us on our walk. I really think they could do a horror movie about those crabs.

7. Flying a kite for the first time! Seriously, I've never done that before.

8. Did I mention the food? I ate so well, maybe too well. Lots of crabcakes, scallops, shrimp and other seafood deliciousness. Plus real Key Lime Pie. Not that fake stuff you see around here. MMMM.

9. Spending a morning with my niece and nephew at the pool. They are the most well-behaved kids ever. They are also a lot of fun. The only bad thing is that they like Burger King. Sick. Oh, yeah, and my niece named her new stuffed hedgehog "Liz" because of our apparent resemblence.

10. I read 5 books! :-) And got a great tan while doing it.

I had a really wonderful time and it was great to relax and have literally nothing "to do" each day. Very peaceful.

Hope your summer vacations are just as relaxing!

*Note: I tried to better space this blog. But, no matter how I tried, it continued to single space it. Perhaps the most annoying 15 minutes I've spent in a while. I apologize for the readibility but I don't have the patience to mess with this any longer!!

One week from today...

my biggest worry will be whether I am getting tan lines!

*can't wait *

Touch of Gray

Sir Thomas More: The law Roper, the law. I know what's legal, not what's right. And I'll stick to what's legal.

Roper: Then you set man's law above God's!

More: No, far below; but let me draw your attention to a fact--I'm not God. The currents and eddies of right and wrong, which you find such plain sailing, I can't navigate. I'm no voyager...

-A Man of all Season's, Robert Bolt

I fear I've spent the better part of 2008 classifying behavior (mine and others) as either right or wrong; sinful or unsinful. Now heading into the 6th month of the year, and I'm re-confirming what I've always felt to be true-it's quite difficult (and ridiculous) to try to have a black/white approach to life. 

In fact, I'd venture to say that most things in life remain in that ambiguous gray area. For instance, I can't conclusively say that point X is where you draw the line physically in a relationship or that X number of drinks is too many, etc. 

I think it's simplistic and ignorant to think following Jesus somehow makes it crystal clear what is right or wrong. If I'm just willing myself to not do certain things and do others, I lose the personal, merciful sides of God I love. I'm not trying to cheapen the importance of obedience to God. I'm merely saying "doing the right thing" isn't always so easy as it sounds.

Sure, I think it's easier sometimes to just try to live by what we perceive to be right and wrong and respond to moral issues with clear cut responses. But I think that type of approach can be kind of arrogant. It also sets us up to begin placing all behaviors on a sliding scale and we start thinking "well, I may do this but at least I don't do that".  And let's face it, that mentality is the opposite of the kingdom of God. 

I'd rather error on the side of grace for people (and myself!) and trust that God knows better than I do what is right and wrong. 

i love the food network

I have an obsession with the Food Network. I love spending Saturday and Sunday mornings drinking coffee, catching up on emails from work and watching Paula, Giada, and Rachel teach me how to make delicious dishes. One Sunday morning I watched the Food Network in HD on Steve's tv--and let me just say I am convinced whomever invented HD did so to showcase sports (of course), but also food!

It's funny because once in a while I will attempt one of the recipes I watch on tv--and it's so gratifying. (Although it can also be frustrating--one of Giada's dishes I tried to replicate ended up with the smoke alarm that would NOT stop going off). But, when it's all said and done, it's much more satisfying to attempt to make a recipe than simply watching it on tv. And I learn that way--I learn not only cooking techniques, but I also learn what spices I like or don't like and what flavors compliment together.  We all learn the best by actually doing, right? 

I think we all could "do" a little more and "watch" a little less. In all areas of my life I should be jumping in and getting my hands dirty so I can learn. Because it's harder (and much slower) to learn and grow by just watching from the sidelines and letting everybody else tell you what you do and don't need in your life. I firmly believe it's the messy mistakes in our own life that teach us the most. And those mistakes usually teach us way more than someone else's words or advice.  

p & p

Tonight Steve and I watched Becoming Jane, a movie about Jane Austen and how a certain love interest in her life influenced her writing Pride and Prejudice. Yes, I owe Steve big for letting me pick the movie and letting me pick that movie. I am a very lucky woman.

Anyway...of course I came home and rummaged through my old, tattered copy of Pride and Prejudice. This book is definitely in my top 5 of all time, and may be my favorite. 

Either way, here are 2 passages I came across tonight. I love this story. Enjoy and have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It was too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun. 

-Mr. Darcy, Chapter 60

You were disgusted with the women who were always speaking and looking, and thinking for your approbation alone. I roused, and interested you, because I was so unlike them.

-Elizabeth, Chapter 60

The essentials

This morning I went to give Fiona her scoop of dog food only to realize there were 5 little kibbles left in the bag. I rummaged around and ended up feeding her a half hot dog for breakfast since I figured that was the most dog-ish food in the house. (If that doesn't give you the picture of what an amazing parent I would be, I don't know what will)

It's been over 2 weeks since I've made a decent grocery store run and I am desperately in need of food, but I just was not in the mood for a long Kroger trip. So I decided I would make a trip to IGA on my way home from work for some essentials.

My essentials?

1 bag of dog food

1 "just for one" California Kitchen Pizza

2 bottles of vihno verde (the best summer wine ever-and no they were not for dinner, but IGA has been out of stock of this delicious 5.99 wine, so I figured I would stock up)

1 pack of Orbit Crystal Mint gum

The cashier scanned my items and said "looks like a fun night for you." And it was! Sometimes I get to thinking how great it is to be all grown up and get just what I want from the store, instead of what I need. Sure, I could've spent $20 on things like eggs and bread and lunch meat...but, somedays your "essentials" vary. :-)

sadness

I planted two little tomato plants with the hopes of having tomatoes I could pick right off and eat without having to go to the grocery store. And they are both on their way to dying. It's completely my fault. I planted them in pots that didn't have a hole for drainage and inadvertently placed them under a gutter (that is in desperate need of being cleaned out). So, every time it rains, they get dumped on. The poor little tomatoes are drowning! I am going to try to drill a hole in the pots tonight and put a stake in each one so they can grow up straight, but I think my dream of having tomatoes right outside on my deck is fading. 

In better news, I did win 2/3 games of Jeopardy on Saturday AND it's supposed to be a gorgeous Memorial Day Weekend! 

self-sufficiency

"And how disastrous for us is the continual remembrance of death which war enforces. One of our best weapons, contented worldliness, is rendered useless. In wartime not even a human can believe that he is going to live forever."

-The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis

Two things happened to me today that were kind of convicting-1. I listened to a podcast of a talk given by Matt Chandler that suggested the danger of living a life where you are constantly trying to remain safe and in control (and how that essentially means you are saying you control God) and then 2. I read through half of The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, and came across a section where Screwtape basically states one of his best weapons is when a person has "contented worldliness." 

I know that I struggle, and will likely always struggle, with pride. I consider myself intelligent (although God likes to use Jeopardy to humble me). I try to make logical, wise decisions. And in all of that, I try to control everything. I do certain things to control areas of my life, and in a sense, to create certain outcomes. For example, I work hard at work, put in long hours--to make sure I have job security. I call my sister and spend time with her, to make sure we stay close. I exercise daily and *try* to eat healthfully so that I will live longer. But while none of that is bad per se, it's dangerous to get content in relying on doing those things to create safety and security.

I mean, everything in this world is so futile. In his talk Matt Chandler kept saying "all it takes is one phone call" to disrupt everything I've worked so hard to control.  And in controlling everything, I'm making myself a slave to those things. That is not a free life. 

It's just another reminder that this life isn't mine. My life is God's--for Him to use how he wants. Everything is His and was created for His glory. Everything. True contentment, the kind of which Paul describes when he says he has learned to be content in all circumstances, is not a contentment derived from setting all his ducks in a row and having a safe life. Paul's contentment is a peace that he feels because he knows his life is not his, but God's. And recognizing that means he can be joyful and free even during the worst kind of suffering.

So far this year for me has really been learning how to be free. And I think to be free I have to learn to be content in the same manner Paul is. I can't create that kind of peace because I have money or a boyfriend or a loving family or health. All those things could be gone at any moment. 

I'm beginning to realize that true freedom and peace come from knowing my life is not mine, but God has given it to me and wants to use it to glorify Him. And I think that is pretty exciting. It's also a relief to not have to be a slave to everything else.

Welcome Home

I spent the weekend in Pittsburgh (Go Steelers!). When I arrived home about 2 hours ago, the house was empty. I opened the door to the most wonderful welcome. My 12lb dog literally lept into my arms, whimpering and licking me. She was so very very excited to see me. 

I really don't know if there is a better feeling than the sound of a dog running to the door ready to welcome you back home. No matter how much I neglect her, yell at her, push her off my bed, she still comes running with a tail wagging welcome.

I just love it. Extra treats for Fi!

(This is a picture of her welcoming me by stealing my sock--not even 10 minutes after I was home ;-) )

Take Me Away

36 more days until I am relaxing on the sandy beaches of the Outer Banks.  I am very, very, very ready to get away and escape work, routine, and return refreshed. And I promise not to check my work email while away (more than 5 times--kidding! ;-) ).

Take me away

A secret place.

A Sweet escape.

Take me away.

-Take Me Away, Natasha Bedingfield

cursed?

When I was younger, my dad always drove Volvo station-wagons. He drove his last Volvo on the day it blew up on the highway. True story. My dad smelled smoke, pulled over, jumped out, and poof-up in flames the car went. All he salvaged was his burnt up license (which he didn't replace until the expiration date).

The important part of this story--my dad had only one payment left on the car. Since then, not only has my dad switched car makers, but he leases his cars. He and my mom constantly go back and forth about leasing v. buying. Each has their pros and cons. But, for my dad, this little piece of bad luck was enough to change his car-purchasing habits for life.

I say this all because I am 2 car payments away from having my car completely paid off. In fact, I owe less than $500 on my car. It is actually worth a decent amount (I checked the Kelly Blue Book today!). BUT in the past few months, and even moreso this past month, everything that can go wrong with my car has. 

Ok, maybe that's not completely true. But in the last 6 months, I've had my side mirror replaced ($100) windshield replaced (due to giant crack-$150), new wiper rod thingies (at a wopping $300), new brakes ($400) and routine maintenance, including 2 oil changes and a 60K mile check up. I desperately need new tires and to have my hood release fixed, but have held off as these are not "essential" and I simply am not made of money.

Today, I left work, and heard something flapping on my car roof. The trim between my windshield and roof was flapping about and has come "unglued". Well, all I know is I came "unglued" when I realized yet ANOTHER thing was wrong with my car. My uncle, who knows a lot about cars, but unfortunately lives in the middle of nowhere near Dayton, reassured me that my windshield wasn't going anywhere--but that my car might leak if it rains. Sweet. I'm sure it won't rain anytime soon during SPRING IN OHIO.

Oh well. The moral of the story--I think I have my Dad's luck. What to do...hang on to my little saturn and hope it lasts a few years so I can pay off some debt or get rid of the little moneysucker. 

All I know is thank god it isn't supposed to rain tomorrow. I also think I should be buying stock in Saturn for how much money I spend at their service shop.

the big picture

As much as I wish I weren't, I am definitely a type "A" personality. I obsessively make lists. Adhering to a schedule brings me comfort. I am a control freak. I like things done my way. I compulsively analyze stuff.

I think my personality is the reason my job is very stressful for me. I try so hard to be in control of everything, but there is so much that happens in a case that I simply cannot manage. I can't do everything and I have to rely on other people to do their job right--and that's hard for me, particularly when they don't do their job right. 

On Thursday, I tried something new. You might think this is cheesey, but it really did work. Each time I took a little break--whether it was a ride down the elevator or a trip to the bathroom, I recited silently to myself Psalm 46:10 (be still and know I am God). 

All it took was a moment for me to remind myself everything--work, relationships, finances, the future--everything is under God's control. Yes, God puts us in situations and presents us with opportunities to be available for Him to reach the people of this world, but, He is still in charge. God is much bigger than the petty stuff I allow myself to be consumed by at times. 

In those short moments, I was able to remind myself God doesn't want me spending my time obsessing over why my Motion didn't make it to Stark County overnight even though the DHL receipts indicate otherwise. He wants me to calm down, to feel free, and to know He is God. 

you're (i'm) so vain.

My evening started with a trip to the gym. I belong to UC's rec center. Usually, I go to the gym first thing in the morning at 6:00a.m., but this morning I just could not wake up, so around 6:00p.m. I began my workout. As I was walking in I noticed how full of people the campus was. There were people studying in the amphitheater area, people just walking around talking...it all made me slightly reminiscent about my own college days. It also made me feel old. 

It got worse. Usually when I'm at the gym in the morning, it is not crowded at all, and most of the people there at 6:00a.m. are not students. They are professors or staff or community members, like myself. But tonight at the gym, it was like all the gorgeous, young, thin people were working out. Not only did I feel old, but I felt anything but attractive.  While on the indoor track running I vowed to get some cute workout clothes if I was ever going to come back at that time. (At one point, I found myself highly critical of this young girl in these extremely short shorts doing what I considered to be quite risky leg lifts considering what she was wearing. Then, I so hate to admit this, I realized I was being so critical not because I cared what she was wearing but because I was slightly jealous of the attention she was getting. Oh Lord..I can't even believe I wrote that...scary, right?)

Of course, it's ridiculous, and incredibly vain. I'm not that old. I won't be 27 until August. I'm not overweight. I'm actually in pretty good shape and could probably run much longer than most of the people in that gym. I don't think I'm an ugly person. But that isn't the point. Sometimes I just have these moments where I realize I'm not invincible and getting old isn't that far off. And it scares me. I'm scared of not feeling attractive because I'm not young anymore. I think especially as a woman in a world where looks are so important, getting old can be rather frightening. It can feel like a loss of power and status, and at times sadly enough, a loss of identity. No wonder the beauty industry is so vast. 

The original point of my post was that I just don't feel old. Honestly, I still feel stuck in time at maybe like 14 or 15 years old. Sometimes I can't believe I'm a lawyer or that I have a license to drive a car or that I have a paycheck. After the gym I came home to my roommate and my sister eating dinner with some of their friends from college. They were all commenting on who was getting married and who was having babies. But, it just seems nuts. I don't feel old enough for any of that--and I don't think my friends are old enough either. But, we are, right? 

It's just weird. It's weird getting older and it's weird coming to grips with the fact that what we see isn't lasting. 

And I think the most important thing in all of this is just remembering what my identity really is. It's so easy to get caught up in all this worldly, non-lasting junk. But following Christ means being free from all that. And I think that's pretty cool. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

-2 Corinthians 4:16, 18

simple pleasures

-Fiona falling asleep in my lap while we were praying during our Women's Group...maybe she was praying too ;-)

-feeling sore from working out

-beating Steve in 2 out of 3 games of Jeopardy on Saturday (ok one of the wins is "contested"...but still, I've been on a bad losing streak, it was nice to grab a victory or two)

-today was the last cold day. enough said.

-finally getting my task list at work down to a manageable level (for now)

-skyline dip + strawberries & angel food cake + chips/salsa + leftover Dewey's pizza = great night

-reliving Battleship and the game of Life this weekend with my niece and nephew--those games are AWESOME

-flowers blooming everywhere (text bouquets make it even sweeter ;-) )

-two Lifetime movies in 24 hours

-i will be on a beach for 10 days in a row in less than 58 days...mmm.

life is good.

worst case scenario

On Wednesday, my roomate and her boyfriend took my dog on a little "road trip" down to see her boyfriend's dog. On the way, they put the window down so Fiona could stick her head out (apparently every dog's dream). I've never let her do that before--I've always feared she would either: a. get something in her eye or b. jump out the window and be gone forever. Steve was quick to tell me it wasn't fair to deny Fiona the joy of feeling the wind through her fur just because I was afraid something might happen. Is Fiona being safe worth denying her exciting experiences like sticking her head out of the window in a car and instead relegating her to stare out the window on the back of the couch?

I know it's so silly! But, I was thinking today that my typical approach to relationships/friendships is sort of similar. Instead of being open, hopeful, and trusting; I'm defensive, closed off, and anxious. I call it the "worst-case scenario" approach. I prepare myself for the worst possible thing that could happen...and basically wait for it. In the meantime, I protect myself as best I can. 

But, I'm kind of tired of this method. And I think it's emotionally immature. Sure, it makes sense that when you've been lied to, treated poorly, or had your heart broken you will guard yourself more carefully, but I think at some point the past just needs to be let go. I can't have a  healthy relationship if I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. I won't be trusting and open--two things no relationship can survive without. 

Anyway, it would be ridiculous if I stopped driving my car because I was afraid I would get in a wreck. It's silly for me to stop running outside because there's a chance I could get attacked. And in the same regard, it's stupid to not be trusting, graceful, and open in a relationship just because something bad might happen or has happened in the past. 

I don't know what it is about our hearts getting broken that is so incredibly scary. In other areas of our life we want to risk and lead adventurous lives. But, with our hearts--mine in particular--I flip into self-defense mode.  I  think I miss out when I approach relationships by envisioning the worst case scenario, instead of focusing on what is good and potentially exciting. I also think it's incredibly selfish to constantly be concerned with "what will happen to me? How could I be hurt?" 

It's time for me to grow up, to stop being so concerned with myself and with what might go wrong. I have one life and I think I'd rather stick my neck out the window and take a chance rather than sit on the couch and watch, always wondering what it might feel like to be hopeful instead of anxious.

*note--the above picture is NOT my dog, nor is at cute as the birthday card that I will continue to circulate until Hallmark stops making it...but you get the idea 

fantasy v. reality

I've just finished watching Season 3 of Lost. I should've been in bed an hour ago because I have to get to work super early tomorrow to try to find a parking spot downtown prior to the Opening Day Parade shutting down all the parking lots.

But, instead, I can't stop thinking about the show. I can't stop thinking that for most of the people on the island, there really isn't anything for them to return to anyway. I'm not really even sure why they want to be rescued at this point. In some ways, the island is a fantasy much better than real life for most of the characters.

Who knows what this show is about, but it sort of struck me tonight--this contrast between fantasy and reality. Is the fantasy always better? Is the harshness and struggle of reality worth it simply because it's real? Is it better to dream about what might be, but will never actually be or to fight through what is and have hope it can be better?

Yea, I don't know. All I know is Lost leaves me with more questions than any show I've ever watched! 

Happy Opening Day! We get to dress casually and get hot dogs for lunch! No complaints here :-)

Just Look Around

I was perusing the "items wanted" section on Craig's List last night because I'm trying to find someone who may need all the clothes I just purged from my closet and dresser, and came across this:

"I need cash work! I have a two year old daughter and we have been abandoned by my husband over a week ago. I have no way to pay my bills for April. I have many skills and I am available all shifts. I could do domestic chores, babysit, run errands, clerical work, and many other things. Please call...I also need windows, headlights and taillights...My husband busted out all the windows before he left"

Now, I understand you may be skeptical. I am always skeptical of people asking for money. But, either way, it's clear this woman is hurting and desperate. 

I saw several other ads while looking on the website. The thing is, we are all surrounded by people who have needs--not just financial needs, but deeper needs. Odds are every day you encounter someone who is desperately longing to be loved and cared about. 

Reading this ad was just a reminder to me that I am called to be aware that humanity is longing to be loved. And as a follower of Christ, I am called to do just that--to not just look the other way or wait for someone else to help people; but, instead to share our stories so that others may learn hope. 

So, today I am going to keep my eyes open to people who are broken, hurting and in a low place in their life who need a friend--not just my money or stuff. I'm guessing I won't have to look too far.

In other news...let's say you're playing a game of jeopardy. The category requires the word "red" to be in the Answer. The clue is "debit's opposite." Would you accept "creditor" as an answer or is "credit" the only correct answer?

Can you tell I lost to Steve in Jeopardy again last night? :-/

work work work

It's no secret work's been very busy as of late. Foreclosures are at an all time high, and Ohio is one of the leading states for number of foreclosures in the country. In January, I committed myself to try to find a routine that worked for me finding peace between work and life outside work. I plugged away at my little schedule I constructed for myself, but little by little, I've allowed the structure I set up fall away.

I don't think it's bad to work a lot of hours, or to be into your work. But, I do think it's bad when I start finding myself getting super sensitive to everything...and when I realize I'm being extremely sarcastic (more-so than usual!) to the point it comes across as very very negative. And I really only get like this when I'm exhausted and stressed out. 

I get so frustrated with myself when I'm stressed out because I have a short temper, I complain way too much, and overall I'm not pleasant to be around. It's all very selfish.  I don't want to be one of those people who uses work as an excuse to be curt with others and generally, be an overall jerk. I don't want to use work as an excuse to being late for stuff.

This is my life. And no amount of money or judgments in my client's favor is going to heal the relationships that suffer when I allow myself to become obsessive about work. And it's hard because I'm new at this, so things don't come as easily to me as they might in 5 years.  But that obsession with work leads to lots of stress...and that extreme stress leads to me, well, being pretty much a jerk.  And, for sure, when I am a nervous wreck, I'm not at all available for God to use me. I know God put this job in my lap--there's no way around it. Working so much is completely futile if I'm engaging in it alone, and apart from God's involvement.

If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.

If God doesn't guard the city, 

the night watchman might as well nap.

It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,

and work your worried fingers to the bone.

Don't you know he enjoys 

giving rest to those he loves?

-Psalm 127:1-2, The Message

Anyway...here's to summer being around the corner, vacation, and most of all grace. I'll never be perfect, but I can be more alert to the potential harm work/stress can have on my life. 

In the meantime, I think it might be time to start scheduling weekly massages... :-)

Sacrifice

I got to thinking that today, Good Friday, is really a reminder of sacrifice. Today we remember Jesus's death on the cross--a death that destroyed the barrier of sin that previously prevented us from being in a relationship with God. Ultimately, this sacrifice is about love.

Today is a good reminder for me that loving people means sacrificing--my time, my money, my life. I wonder how my life would be different if I remembered that to love means to sacrifice. I wonder how my relationships would be different if I put others' needs before my own; if I stopped hoarding God's love, and instead let it pour out to every person I met.

I think in the end it's about being selfless--forgoing the selfish desire to be the "best Christian" and instead choosing to show love by sacrificing. What if your small group was more about how you could love the people around you who don't know God instead of being a place where you obsess about the things you need to do to be a better Christian?  I'm think we truly understand and experience the magnitude of Jesus's sacrifice for us, when we begin showing the world God's love by sacrificing for it.

Today reminds me that I spend way too much time thinking about myself, about my failures and shortcomings as a Christian. Today reminds me of the call to live a sacrificial life because God loves me--and living sacrificially is so natural if we genuinely are experiencing God's love and are allowing ourselves to be transformed by it.

Have a Happy Easter!

I Win...I Lose.

In court this past Wednesday, I ran into a person with whom I went to law school. Immediately, the conversation went from "nice to see you" to "So, what firm are you working for?" and "How many attorneys are there?" and, "What neighborhood are you living in?"  

It's amazing how the answers to these questions sort of define how "successful" I'd become in this person's eyes. I was thinking to myself this weekend how important appearances can become to us. They can be almost dangerous--getting caught up in meaningless games to ensure we come off as the most successful, the prettiest, the most different...whatever that thing is. 

I like to think I don't get caught up in stuff like that. I mean, I follow Jesus, right? But, I found myself wanting this person to know my firm had over 70 lawyers. I was glad I wore my nice black pinstripe suit, instead of the cheaper-looking brown one I almost wore that day (I'm not kidding...I wish I were). And not because I wanted to seem attractive; but, because I wanted to look successful and appear to be making so much money I could afford nice suits (which is definitely not true!). 

So, even though I'm extremely stressed out, I work too much on the weekends, complain to whoever will listen about how hard my job is--at that moment, I had to brag about my "success" so that I could win the little career game between someone I went to school with for three years. PATHETIC. 

That is definitely not freedom. Jesus offers something radically different than the little games we play in this world, constantly competing with each other--building facades of success or the perfect family or relationship, when inside we are messed up. We are frightened of what people would think if they knew what we really thought. Even the best of us harbor feelings of hatred, lust, pride--all kinds of junk only God can deal with. 

I'm glad I had that random encounter. It highlighted for me how easy it is to fall into the games the world plays--how easy it is to want to fool people around us with appearances, and hide the pain and junk inside. But, we can't hide from God. God knows, and we can't fake behavior or our lives to impress Him. 

What a wonderful, freeing feeling to live solely for God...and not for appearances or games. This is my new passion--I want to quit playing games. I want to let God fix the inside so that what others see on the outside isn't hypocrisy, but something radically different.

Happy Valentine's Day!

If a Steelers fan and a Bengals fan can date each other and make it work, there's hope for anybody!

hope you have a great day with your Valentine...but, I think I somehow snagged the best one ;-)

Listen and Repeat.

I have been playing this song on repeat for like a week now. It's so cute...and who knows, maybe if you hang out at Taza, you'll fall in love at a coffee shop!

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down,
I want to come too.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me, quite like you do,
Through all of the shadowy corners of me.

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine,
Now I'm shining too.

Because, oh because,
I've fallen quite hard over you.

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know.
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone.

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

All of the while, all of the while,
And it's you.

-Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg

Home

I worked late today--not because I necessarily had to, but more because I wanted to free up Thursday and Friday. (note-I have most likely now jinxed myself so that I will have to work late both Thursday and Friday)

There is this amazing feeling of coming home after being away for a long time. I left the house at 7:30AM in the freezing cold, dark sky and pulled in the driveway--er parked in the street in front of my house--at 6:40 PM (still dark and cold) and just felt this incredible relief. HOME--yes! Time to relax, read, put on my comfy slippers and drink a glass of wine--not necessarily in that order.

A week or so ago, I was talking with my good friend Jana, and she was chatting about how she finally realized she would always struggle with insecurity, etc. We were basically thinking that no matter what, as human beings we will perpetually be "figuring it out"--which can be frustrating.

I can only imagine what it feels like to go to heaven. The relief it must be to finally be home--in a place where insecurity is gone, faith is affirmed, eternal happiness...just seems incredible, doesn't it?

SNOW!

About a half hour ago, I walked outside to go for a run to find a Winter Wonderland on the ground! Ok, it was only about an inch or so...but there is something really pretty about snow that has yet to be disturbed by footprints, tire tracks, or um animals. It was so sparkly!

I don't normally feel that way about snow (especially considering I now have to run after work and who knows what the drive has in store for me), but I was struck by how beautiful it was at 6 a.m.

**And I think we might get some more on Thursday! (time to learn the bus routes to work...)

I think I Flirt Too Much

4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.
James 4:4-6 The Message

I've been fascinated with James recently. In fact, I think I've read the entire book three days in a row. For a while now, I've struggled with the fact that my life doesn't look that much different from a non-Christian. I don't give more financially than non-Christians (probably less), I don't live with a sense of peace (in fact, usually I seem to carry around stress wherever I go), I drink too much, I am not overly kinder than non-Christians, etc.

But, I believe in Jesus. And if I believe as I say I do, my actions (the outward expressions of my faith) must look different. Otherwise, I'm living as a false Christian--full of pretty things to say, backed up by very little real transformation.

James makes it pretty clear--we have a choice to make--a choice between friendship with God or friendship with the world. And choosing one means not choosing the other-you can't have it both ways. Being friends with the world means you are an enemy of God. Choosing friendship with the world is to choose a life that is in direct conflict with God's will. It is to choose a life full of human ambition, reckless decisions, and dangerous consequences.

I love the Message version of this passage because it paints God as a jealous lover. God wants us completely. We can't choose a little of God and a little of the world-it is an exclusive choice.

I know that every unhealthy relationship I've been in began with casual flirting. Flirting that I believed was harmless, that over time, developed into relationships. And those broken and messed up relationships that began with just a little casual flirting, lead to insecurities and other consequences that still affect me today.

This is not to say that we can't make mistakes or that to choose God means to choose a life of rules and boredom. But, how can we honestly believe that Jesus's death saved us from God's judgment and not desire and long for righteousness?

I believe our lives and actions should reflect that we believe in God's grace and in turn, a life that desires righteousness. Grace and righteousness are NOT contradictory to each other. They go hand in hand. We simply can't extend grace to each other without also longing for righteous choices and lives. To do so would be to miss the point of grace. Desiring grace means also desiring righteousness. We want to be forgiven AND to grow and mature in our faith.

God's love is better than anything we can find in this world. And yet, time and time again we allow ourselves to be wooed by ridiculous substitutes--drinks in excess, sexual impurity, money, success at work. Over time, this continual choice of the world over God turns us into enemies of God.

I choose God and His grace. I choose for my life to look more like Jesus's and less like the world. I choose righteousness.

Authenticity and Grace

This weekend I saw the movie Juno, and I highly recommend you go see it. It's funny and touching and just wonderfully quirky. In a scene towards the end of the movie, the main character, Juno (16 and pregnant) has this conversation with her Dad:

Juno: I need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever.

Juno's Dad (Mr. MacGuff): Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

I realize that perhaps isn't the most eloquent piece of love advice a father has ever given his daughter, but I like it. It's a question I seem to continually struggle with--can two people really make a relationship work forever?

You see, it's all about being real. It seems so much of our lives we play this giant game, pretending to be whatever we think people want us to be in order to earn respect, become successful, and even to find love.

And how sad. Because, if our relationships aren't authentic, then why bother? I'm definitely no relationship expert; and when it comes to love, my track record is not too great-but, I've learned that pretending to be something I'm not doesn't work; that not being completely honest about my feelings doesn't create a lasting relationship.

The thing is, a relationship that lasts, I'm beginning to realize, is going to be hard, and sometimes awkward or uncomfortable.

And we have to be ok with the uncomfortable, frustrating, and at times annoying moments (i.e. dating a Bengals' fan during a Steelers playoff game) in exchange for a relationship that has a shot at being able to last.

It's hard for me. I want to be perfect. I want to be the ideal girlfriend, who is never annoying or needy. And I want my relationship to be perfect as well--romantic dates where everything goes smoothly, dinners where the food always turns out well, time spent together where no one is ever in a bad mood, etc.

But, that's impossible and nothing is ever perfect. Dinners get burned, perfect dates go awry, I have crazy moments, I get frustrated. It's life. We are human. So, I think our best chance of having a relationship that lasts and, more importantly, that grows is to be real and honest, particularly when it's awkward and hard.

And of course add in a LOT of grace and forgiveness.

Merry Christmas

I realize I've had about a two month hiatus from blog world. It's amazing how fast time moves. And I'm sitting here today in disbelief that Christmas Day is nearly over, as is 2007. Where did the time go? I mean, really, it seems like yesterday I was starting a new job in Dayton and now I am living in Cincinnati, 8 months into a completely different job.

It honestly feels like the older I get, the quicker time moves. I drove into Toledo Saturday morning and now I am sitting here preparing for work on Thursday because, well, time flew by once again.

It's nothing new. Everybody feels this way I'm sure. Parents see it in the way a newborn transforms into a little person seemingly overnight. I'm just consumed by thoughts of not wanting to waste time. Things happen so fast and we all get so busy; we barely have time to sit and think--and when we do, we are just planning for what is next.

I long to honor time and make memories, instead of just rushing through to the next thing--the next event--the next stage of life. I know I have said this 100 times, but I desire to be in the moment, and not always analyzing and plotting for what is to come.

One of the reasons this has been a wonderful Christmas season for me is because Steve and I decided early on to spend Christmas doing things and spending time together; rather than buying lavish gifts for each other that carry little sentiment. I feel like we really made memories this season and were in the moment during the time we spent together--and that far outweighs any gift he could have bought for me...(although, I must say, the thought behind his Christmas presents to me was quite touching.)

So, I guess my "goal" or resolution or whatever you want to call it for 2008 is to not be in such a rush. And maybe to try to be less stressed out about work...that'd be good too :-)

So, it's raining...

Did you notice it's like a monsoon outside?

Last week I left my umbrella in court. I walked from my office to the parking garage and was so wet, there is an wet imprint in the driver's seat in my car. When I got home, I hung my clothes in the shower and they were still dripping. Wow. And I was freezing.

But, then I got into some sweats...and seriously, is there anything better than being super comfy and listening to the rain outside?

I'm kind of looking forward to crawling into bed and falling asleep to the rain beating on my windows. (*pending, of course, that it stops by 6AM so I can get my run in*)

4 more days 'til the weekend.

6 more days 'til the Steelers beat the Bengals.

Things Change

So, I'm not so good at keeping up my blog anymore. But, I like the idea of something kind of keeping track of my thoughts/what I'm doing with my life...it's kind of like a public diary. And I guess it's the whole "public" aspect that keeps me from writing much. I'm nervous I'll say something potentially career-harmful. I guess I will just write with fear...

So, yea, the blog might take a little different look. It might not be as personal...but, I'm going to try to keep it semi-updated with what is going on in my life, mostly because I like having a record of it!

Record Breaking

The forecast today suggested Cincinnati might break the record for highest temperature. It got pretty hot. Although, to be honest, my office is freezing, so unless it's super hot in the morning when I'm walking in or in the evening when I'm leaving, I don't notice too much.

But, I'll tell you what...I am so ready for fall. I'm ready for chilly evenings, pumpkins, trick-or-treaters, throwing on a sweaters, the changing colors of leaves, not sweating while walking from my office to the courthouse, sitting outside on a chilly day with a pumpkin spice latte, and of course, candy corn. Fall is definitely my favorite season.

I think George Eliot said it best:

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

A Fresh Perspective

A close family friend has been diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is such a generic word. But, this kind of cancer is very serious. It's rare and there isn't a standard course of treatment. So this man was given statistics and different prognoses depending on which treatment he and his doctor selected. It's a grave situation. While there is definitely reason to hope (the man is in amazing shape, the doctor has a lot of faith in the course of treatment he is undergoing, etc.), he is also facing what will likely be the hardest few months of his life.

Last week I was on my way to visit him at the hospital during his first cycle of treatment. The whole way there I kept thinking I didn't know what I would say. I didn't know how to seem hopeful without seeming trite and patronizing. And then I realized none of that mattered.

We started talking and he shocked me by saying "cancer started a new life for me." He continued talking about how he would probably never keep stuff again and that he has a whole new/different perspective on things. And so much that mattered to him a month ago just seemed ridiculous. When I left there, I felt like he had given me hope...not the other way around.

When I got home from the beach this past summer, I was committed to not just surviving my days, but actually living them. But it's funny how routine and schedules and stuff just gets in the way. All of a sudden I'm back to the same old and my life is being measured in meetings, money, success at work, and the same junk that is completely circumstantial.

What does it take for us to get it? Why is it so hard to be adventurous and say no to mere basic survival?

When I left the hospital, I couldn't help but think of this U2 song...I just don't want my life to constantly be measured and valued by things that are replaceable, perishable, breakable, etc...

Walk On
-U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can’t sell it, can’t buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one
Home... I can’t say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

And I'm Back

So it's been over a month and I was all ready to post a blog only to find my entire template is gone! What in the world?!

I don't really get the new google templates. Why are there question marks next to the different months? It makes no sense. I'm going to try to play around with it...maybe I'll even get to post something tomorrow...but, for now, it's time for work. The 10 minute window between post run and shower is over. :-)

This Just In

The internet is kind of working...well it's working on Jana's computer, but not mine. Hopefully you aren't going through a withdrawal of sorts at me not being able to blog.

What a muggy morning! I feel like it's going to rain at any moment. I had a lovely tour of Clifton this morning on my 7 mile run, and I decided I love how the gaslights are on when it's dark. It's definitely a perk to being up that early. I think the fall is going to be gorgeous.

I have nothing organized to say. I need to get going for my 7 minute communte to work. Another perk--being able to drive on low fuel to work!

I'm very excited for what is in store...for what's coming. Preparation and anticipation are great, but so is just living every day, not merely existing...just being present and seizing opportunities. A year ago, I could not have imagined I'd be living in Clifton. I'm excited to see why God wanted me here. I'm excited for amazing things to happen. But, mostly, I'm just excited to live... be challenged, encourage others, face fears, and experience an adventure.

Living is no low-risk proposition. If life is an adventure, then danger is inherent to the journey. In the same way freedom and fear are great adversaries. How often have we surrendered our freedom under the weight of our fears? This is one of the main reasons we abdicate living for existing. As mundane and routine as it is, existing does provide for us a level of certainty, predictability, and safety. Freedom is wild and wide-open. It is filled with uncharterted territory and unmapped terrain.
-Erwin McManus, Uprising, p. 14

Let the adventure begin.

Today my sister competed in her first sprint triathlon. And she did great...especially considering she cut her foot on a piece of glass coming out of the swim, and basically biked and ran with a bloody foot. Quite impressive.

I love racing. There is something so exciting about a big race, with lots of fans, and tough athletes and finish lines. And the fans are so supportive. Lining the entire course were family members, friends, and just people in the neighborhood there to cheer on and encourage the athletes. They cheered for the top, elite competitors...and also for the 71 year old woman finishing towards the back of the pack, but sporting quite the smile. (And, seriously, to do a triathlon when you are 71? amazing)

My favorite showing of support was a husband who had a bright red t-shirt made that said "My wife Ellie is 30 today and doing her first triathlon. I'm so proud." Um...adorable.

Fun times all around...good job Kate!

Ummmmm

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also
Matthew 6:19-20

So, yea, packing is not that fun. I set out to accomplish a lot tonight--organize/pack up my records and files; clean and pack up clothes that are already in baskets in my room. I got maybe 1/10 of that done.

How do we accumulate so much stuff? It's insane. It took me 90 minutes to file papers, bills, and records that had been in my "to be filed" folder for like 4 months. And why do I have paper records for accounts that I basically only look at online? What a waste! I need a shredder...

It's crazy how many pairs of shoes I have, how many purses/bags I have that I never use, coats, gloves, books, socks, EVERYTHING. I have so much. And, yet, I have no problem justifying why I need more. In my closet there are two suit jackets, two skirts, 1 pair of pants, and 1 shirt that still have tags on. Only one of those items was bought recently. I have more pairs of jeans than many people probably have pants total (13). Need a black shirt? I have short sleeved, long sleeved, sleeveless, button down, tank top, belted sweater, cardigan, and more...Ugh.

And the words "I have nothing to wear" come out of my mouth more often than I care to admit.

It's kind of sick. When I see all my stuff out there, stacked up, ready to go...it sure looks like my treasures lie in things that can definitely be destroyed.

I think it's time for a change. And I think it might be time for a little clothing fast... :-)

Womb-mates

A reason I love you for each year...

1. I love that you enjoy baking (because I enjoy eating what you bake)
2. I love that you always tell me if I look bad in an outfit
3. I love that you made me go on dates with guys in high school, even when I tried to get out of them when the guy didn't have a car ;-)
4. I love running with you.
5. I love that for so many years, you encouraged me to seek God, even when I wanted to hear nothing of it.
6. I love that we shared a car called The Dolorian.
7. I love that you have so many songs on your iTunes and I benefit!!
8. I love how welcoming you are to anyone who comes to your home.
9. I love that you don't mind me walking from the shower to my bedroom without a towel or robe.
10. I love that we will always share the memories of blowing big bubbles with our gum in the outfield during softball. (Wonder why I never got good ;-) )
11. I love that you can make AMAZING omlettes.
12. I love that you knew I was a girl even when the mail man called me a boy when I was little :-(
13. I love that you are doing your first triathlon this weekend! (well adult triathlon, anyway...we'll never forget the kids triathlon)
14.I love that you appreciate good wine.
15. I love that you encourage me to accessorize with jewelry...even though I don't listen too often.
16. I love that you always include me in what you are doing.
17. I love how excited you get about school supplies.
18. I love that you cry when you read Harry Potter.
19. I love my memories of sharing a room with you at the beach for 25 summers...classic :-)
20. I love that I always had a friend to play with.
21. I love that our fights always ended up with laughter...
22. I love that I came home to a bouquet of flowers on the counter tonight.
23. I love that you are the perfect host, and a wonderful grill-master.
24. I love listening to Delilah on the radio with you--and making fun of all the schmucks ;-)
25. I love how you defend me, no matter how ridiculous I am being.
26. I love THAT YOU ARE MY TWIN.

Happy Birthday...I can't wait for 26 more birthdays with you, sister...

CRAZY

Today I went to Target to pick up some toiletries and other essentials and overheard an outrageous conversation. I was perusing the pajamas, when I heard this young, attractive woman talking on her cell phone about two racks over. Her conversation went something like this...

"Mom, I just do not know what to do. I mean once a cheater, always a cheater, right? "

"Yea, well the b*t*h he slept with was at that party I told you about last night. She kept telling me how sorry she was and how he really is in love with me, not her."

"No, she didn't come up to me...I confronted her in the bathroom and called her out for the tramp she is. Haha...This was after I poured a 20 oz beer on John's (name changed to protect the cheater) head."

"But, I'm just confused because now John won't talk to me and I feel like we just need to talk things out to make this right. I love him and I know we are meant to be together. He keeps making excuses for why we can't hang out...but, I know he misses me. I just really need to talk to him."

I am NOT kidding. She was super loud, and I couldn't help but listen to every word and think ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? This may have been the most irrational conversation I have ever heard...I had to share.

It was really kind of scary.

Why I love having 1000 Cable Channels

Kevin: Winnie Cooper was part of me, and I was part of her, and no matter what, for as long as we lived, I knew I could never let her go.

I stumbled upon The Wonder Years on tv tonight! I loved this show growing up. Who didn't love Winnie and Kevin and their continual ups and downs? This is the end of the episode where Kevin finally tells Winnie he loves her...so sweet. What a great show.