self-sufficiency

"And how disastrous for us is the continual remembrance of death which war enforces. One of our best weapons, contented worldliness, is rendered useless. In wartime not even a human can believe that he is going to live forever."

-The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis

Two things happened to me today that were kind of convicting-1. I listened to a podcast of a talk given by Matt Chandler that suggested the danger of living a life where you are constantly trying to remain safe and in control (and how that essentially means you are saying you control God) and then 2. I read through half of The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, and came across a section where Screwtape basically states one of his best weapons is when a person has "contented worldliness." 

I know that I struggle, and will likely always struggle, with pride. I consider myself intelligent (although God likes to use Jeopardy to humble me). I try to make logical, wise decisions. And in all of that, I try to control everything. I do certain things to control areas of my life, and in a sense, to create certain outcomes. For example, I work hard at work, put in long hours--to make sure I have job security. I call my sister and spend time with her, to make sure we stay close. I exercise daily and *try* to eat healthfully so that I will live longer. But while none of that is bad per se, it's dangerous to get content in relying on doing those things to create safety and security.

I mean, everything in this world is so futile. In his talk Matt Chandler kept saying "all it takes is one phone call" to disrupt everything I've worked so hard to control.  And in controlling everything, I'm making myself a slave to those things. That is not a free life. 

It's just another reminder that this life isn't mine. My life is God's--for Him to use how he wants. Everything is His and was created for His glory. Everything. True contentment, the kind of which Paul describes when he says he has learned to be content in all circumstances, is not a contentment derived from setting all his ducks in a row and having a safe life. Paul's contentment is a peace that he feels because he knows his life is not his, but God's. And recognizing that means he can be joyful and free even during the worst kind of suffering.

So far this year for me has really been learning how to be free. And I think to be free I have to learn to be content in the same manner Paul is. I can't create that kind of peace because I have money or a boyfriend or a loving family or health. All those things could be gone at any moment. 

I'm beginning to realize that true freedom and peace come from knowing my life is not mine, but God has given it to me and wants to use it to glorify Him. And I think that is pretty exciting. It's also a relief to not have to be a slave to everything else.