I listened to the third talk in this series by Erwin McManus and his wife last night and his wife asked 3 single women to finish the sentence "he would be perfect if ____." One person responded, "if he existed." And it stuck with me because that's so me. Miss man-hating, negativity, there's-no-way-there's-"the one"-out-there-for-me-because-no-one-is-good-enough me. And while I definitely believe that having solid standards for choosing a spouse is crucial, I also think that having unreasonable expectations can be crippling in our search for our lifelong partner.
I have created this image in my head of the perfect husband--and he's the culmination of many factors. From failed relationships I know what I don't want--dishonesty, desperation, no passion, no ambition, actions driven solely by insecurity, etc. But, I think a lot of what I envision as this great husband, comes from fictional representations--movies, books, television--characters who men could never really be like in real life faced with the same circumstances. But, we kind of expect them to. And we're so disappointed when our men don't stand up to that fictional standard.
And the most interesting thing in all of this, is how none of my focus in finding my spouse is on me. The shift must move from them (the imperfect, ever-failing, always weak men) to me. If I'm so focused on the other person passing some checklist I have in my mind, how am I working and learning to be a good spouse myself? To be supportive, to be sympathetic, to be compassionate, to be humble. Clearly what I am teaching myself by examining any man I date so closely, is to be critical, to point out shortcomings, to highlight failures.
By placing the focus on me and on my character, I can put myself in a position to choose wisely, and also to choose confidently, without wondering when the person's failures will be revealed or when I will grow tired of him.
So today I say farewell to Mr. Darcy, Coach Chandler, Noah, Johnny Castle, Will Hunting, Maverick, Jack Dawson, Tristan Ludlow, etc. While you all make a lovely fantasy, in the end you are fictional. And I'm completely positive the real thing will be 100 times better.
I have created this image in my head of the perfect husband--and he's the culmination of many factors. From failed relationships I know what I don't want--dishonesty, desperation, no passion, no ambition, actions driven solely by insecurity, etc. But, I think a lot of what I envision as this great husband, comes from fictional representations--movies, books, television--characters who men could never really be like in real life faced with the same circumstances. But, we kind of expect them to. And we're so disappointed when our men don't stand up to that fictional standard.
And the most interesting thing in all of this, is how none of my focus in finding my spouse is on me. The shift must move from them (the imperfect, ever-failing, always weak men) to me. If I'm so focused on the other person passing some checklist I have in my mind, how am I working and learning to be a good spouse myself? To be supportive, to be sympathetic, to be compassionate, to be humble. Clearly what I am teaching myself by examining any man I date so closely, is to be critical, to point out shortcomings, to highlight failures.
By placing the focus on me and on my character, I can put myself in a position to choose wisely, and also to choose confidently, without wondering when the person's failures will be revealed or when I will grow tired of him.
So today I say farewell to Mr. Darcy, Coach Chandler, Noah, Johnny Castle, Will Hunting, Maverick, Jack Dawson, Tristan Ludlow, etc. While you all make a lovely fantasy, in the end you are fictional. And I'm completely positive the real thing will be 100 times better.
2 comments:
Is reality better than fantasy? Good question.
At least reality is tangible.
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