What I know and what I believe about God are often different. There have been times that while I knew God was good, I believed God was punishing me for failing and making mistakes. I can recall actually thinking in my mind while praying-why bother with this with how messy my life is right now. And while I know that God hears the prayers of and loves the messiest of us, it's easy to believe quite the opposite.
I've only recently returned to really believing, not just knowing, that God is love-and this means He is and will always be rewriting my story into something that glorifies Him. Through everything-my mistakes, my messes, my triumphs-through it all, God is leading me in love.
When I was going through a particularly bad time, my sister made me a CD full of Christian music--the perfect cure! Now, I don't tend to be drawn to Christian music, but there is a song on this CD that I love. I dare say it is my favorite cheesey Christian song. The first time I listened to it, in the midst of pain, bad decisions, and feeling quite far from God-I listened and knew that I had to get through that hard time, that God had a purpose and a plan. But, I didn't really believe it.
I dug out this old CD the other day and this song has been on repeat because now, I can look back and see that through that entire messy, sinful, misbelieving time God was there-leading me in love. While then I knew, but couldn't believe, today I can look back and believe. And I think that's pretty sweet.
Lead of Love
Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight
Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery
Looking back You know
You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky
Now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love
Looking bak I can finally see
How failures bring humility
I'd rather have wisdom and pain
Brings me to my knees
Than be a comfortable old fool
Helps me see my need for thee
Looking back You know
You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky
Now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love
-Caedmon's Call
3 comments:
my friend Luis says that songs like this break up the hard soil in his life - and put him in a place to be more vulnerable...or open to God's direction.
I think there's probably something to that - that's one of those things that I believe but rarely act on.
I've always liked that song
Just about every song I hear at church Sunday during worship is probably considered a "cheesy Christian song," and for a long time (when attending the other Vineyard), I would purposely arrive late in order to miss the cheesy Christian songs.
Then, something strange started happening. I stopped worrying about how I looked, and started really listening, ...openning up a little.
Now, during just about every worship, I feel myself starting to break up a bit. Tears, gut-twist, etc.
I have become what I used to mock.
oh no.
i was thinking about that song just the other day... how crazy is that...
some of those caedmon's songs are pretty great.
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