I'm Scared!

Ok, so in August I will be 26 years old. And yet, tonight I have gotten myself so worked up and scared. I am home alone for the week (nothing new) and I decided I would clean my room, change the sheets, switch out my winter wardrobe in exchange for the summer stuff, and basically get organized instead of going out.

All was well...then I started watching Dateline on TV. It was all about this abduction and murder of this woman who was home alone and other scary stuff. Now, I am too afraid to take my dog out. (ok not really)...but i definitely had to get something out of my car and sprinted back inside all the while imagining someone chasing after me!

Clearly, I have issues. And tonight, I am afraid of the dark (and whomever might be lurking therein) :-)

Now that all the lights are turned on and all the locks are secure (and my 12 pound dog is guarding the front window), I am putting in Notting Hill and hopefully falling asleep to a mindless romantic comedy :-)

Basically the female Tiger Woods

So 3 friends of mine at work and myself decided to form a golf foursome for the summer. Our first scramble is May 12 at 7:30 AM (yikes). I am so excited!

I am also sorely out of practice. I have not played golf since 2005. The bar exam kind of got in the way last summer.

We decided the nice thing about getting the shaft (pun intended) schedule-wise is we can play a round of golf once in a while before work...and get the cheap weekday greens' fees. Thrilling. :-)

Between finding a hot caddy (kidding) and purchasing a new golf wardrobe (again, joking) I have a lot do to before May 12!

Anybody know where any driving ranges are? :-)

Where's Home?

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

-Garden State

This past weekend I went home to Toledo. I feel like I'm in this weird place in my life where I have no "home." I mean I have a place I live and then I have my childhood home. But neither really feels like home.

I'm not sure what I expected when I arrived home. My bedroom no longer pays homage to my high school/college athlete days. The awards have been taken down. My pictures have been replaced. A new bedspread covers the bed that I used to sleep in. There is now a nice flat screen television on the shelves where my school books used to be (and seriously mom and dad? you wait until I leave to put a sweet tv in my room??) The drawers in my dresser are practically empty and my closet is now home to the overflow from my parent's closet. My bedroom is now an office/guest room.

It's not like I don't have a place to stay, and it's not like I don't feel welcome. It just doesn't feel like my home anymore. And don't get me wrong, I love going home and I love my parents. I guess part of me just thought when I moved out, time would kind of stand still at home. But, things keep going. My parents don't just sit around waiting for me to return. They have their own lives and I have mine. It's just weird getting older. And I'm sure most people deal with this detachment from home when they are younger than I am, more like when they graduate college or something. But, I loved living at home during law school.

When I moved in August I cried on my drive down here, leaving my home and my parents. And each time since then that I've been back to Toledo, I've teared up as I drive away. This time, though, I didn't. And the fact that I didn't get a little teared up made me sad! (I'm a nut...I know.)

And now it seems like that place just doesn't exist anymore. I guess I just miss living in a place where I feel like part of a family.

Happy Bday!

Happy Birthday Holly Welsh!!

Now you can finally join the rest of us in passing the quarter century landmark.

I can't wait to celebrate in two weeks :-)

Ways to Repel Men: Part I

Keep a set of car seats in your backseat.

I am at the gym Monday night, and actually meet a guy who is nice and cute and I'm sure, perfect in every way. So we walk out to our cars together (I know, how romantic) and I'm guessing he's about to ask me for my number. I'm thinking how glad I am that I cleaned out my car over the weekend because he's peering in while we're chatting. And then...he spots two car seats in my backseat that I left in there after driving my niece and nephew around this weekend. And he bolts so fast I don't even get the chance to say hey those aren't for my kids!

Then I laughed...I mean, really? I swear this kind of stuff only happens to me.

My Prayer Life

You still feel bitter because people weren't grateful for something you gave them, you still feel jealous of those who are better paid than you are, you still want to take revenge on someone who didn't respect you, you are still disappointed that you've received no letter, still angry because someone didn't smile when you walked by. You live through it; you live along with it as though it didn't really bother you...until the moment you want to pray. Then everything returns: the bitterness, the hate, the jealousy, the disappointment, and the desire for revenge. But, these feelings are not just there; you clutch them in your hands as if they were treasures you didn't want to part with. You sit rummaging in all that old sourness as if you can't do without it, as if in giving it up, you would lose your very self.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen

Exactly 6 months ago, I challenged myself to pray for 10 minutes a day. I literally set my cell phone alarm the first few days because I discovered I had no concept of how long 10 minutes really was. Maybe to you this seems a little weird, or maybe you think 10 minutes could never be enough time to speak a deep, heart felt prayer to God. Maybe you think it's nuts to set up a rigid, set amount of time for prayer. But, let me provide some context.

Like any relationship, my relationship with God has had its own, unique ups and downs. And with that, my prayer life has kind of had its own ebb and flow. When I first became a Christian, I had a very formulaic way of praying--1. Tell God how much I loved Him and how amazing He was 2. Confess how rotten I was and all the bad things I had done 3. Thank God for forgiving me and for making the flowers and the trees (ok kidding) 4. Lift up my laundry list of prayers. I would write down each request in my little journal, and then jot down what happened and how God "answered" my prayer. I'm not saying this was bad at all. But, it wasn't very natural.

In college, my prayer life became more natural. I prayed a lot. I wrote long, detailed journal entries where I would be praying and wrestling with difficult questions and truly seeking answers. My faith grew. It was good. Then my world crashed. I completely hit rock bottom (I'm not going into that here). My prayers became desperate pleas for God to change circumstances, for God to explain Himself, for God to make things fair. I felt like God was punishing me, like he had abandoned me.

God became a distant relative, not my Father. My relationship with God was hurting. I was thoroughly confused. And I spent my time in law school avoiding the issue, finding cheap substitutes, and trying to figure out why the heck I felt so far from a God I knew in my heart loved me. During this time, my prayers consisted of, again, desperate pleas to "fix" things after I would mess stuff up. I remember praying things like "God, I know life isn't supposed to be like this. What is wrong with me? Why did you make me like this--so weak?" But, I did nothing to take steps toward Him. I held on to my resentment and pain and used it to build a wall between myself and God. The hurtful experiences defined me. I was afraid to let them go for fear that somehow, I would lose myself.

Last May, as I was preparing for the Bar exam, I decided enough was enough. The cheap substitutes were just that. I committed to studying my butt off (check!), and to letting go of all the anger, resentment, and jealousy that had created this huge void between me and God. I prayed hard this summer for change. (And if you know me, I don't love change...so that was huge for me :)) I prayed for God to restore the excitement and passion for Jesus I had once claimed so strongly. And He did.

So, back to my 10 min prayer deal. I opted for this rather rigid, disciplined route because my relationship with God needed to be mended. I needed to restore my trust, to learn to relinquish control (definitely have not mastered that), to accept/truly believe that the abundant life God is giving me is way better than anything I can/could create for myself. By requiring 10 minutes of myself, I gave myself the opportunity to be changed. Even if those 10 minutes consisted of me explaining to God how much I doubted my ability to surrender control, or how annoyed I was at my circumstances, or whatever, it was 10 minutes spent with God.

A relationship isn't going to grow or, in my case, mend if I refuse to communicate with the other person. And this is where prayer gets tricky...because sometimes it can honestly feel like you are communicating to God with no response, which can be frustrating.

Now don't get me wrong. If you are around me at all, you know I can be quite cynical, and am not exactly "bitter-free." But, I am 100 times closer than I was a year ago. And I desire to continue moving in the right direction.

6 months later and I am amazed. I cried this morning reading this reflection on prayer by Nouwen. Slowly, God has taken the things I gripped so tightly and shook them lose from my hands. And I realize that the future will bring many more "things" that I will want to hold onto and let define me. But, I really believe that through consistent, honest prayer, God can step in before my grip gets so tight that it takes years to loosen it.

I think prayer is hard. It's scary to be honest and real with all the junk that consumes us. At least it is for me. I don't get into fake, flowery prayer. My time would be better spent watching The Office. But, when we aren't afraid to surrender the crap, the hurt, the guilt, and whatever else and just let God have it, I think then we can experience freedom.

Don't be afraid of the One who wants to enter your most intimate space and invite you to let go of what you are clinging to so anxiously. Don't be afraid to offer your hate, bitterness, disappointment, to the One who is love and only love. Even if you know you have little to show, don't be afraid to let it be seen.
-Henri J.M. Nouwen

p.s. thank God for some cancelled meetings at work this morning so I had time to post :)

Signs of the Apocalypse

1. My dog got invited to a birthday party. Not me, my dog. I wonder if I can just drop her off the way you drop off kids to a birthday party. Hmm.

2. Two Justin Timberlake songs have made their way into my running mix.

3. I got asked out on a date via telephone today at work based solely upon my voice being "the most pleasant voice I have ever heard." I have never met this person. If you have ever heard me speak...you may understand why this seems so strange on like 500 levels.

4. I paid $5 for a 4 pack of toilet paper. And no, this is not the triple roll pack. This is your basic Quilted Northern 4 pack. Ridiculous.

5. At the grocery store tonight, I saw a guy sporting a pink, one-size-too-small t-shirt and instead of making fun of him, I checked him out, and decided he was hot.

I mean, seriously, what is the world coming to? :)

Thank God spring is here!

Good TV Tonight

Today I am plugging Friday Night Lights. It's on at 8PM on Wednesday on NBC. It's awesome. You should watch it.

Here are two clips that are indicative of the kind of show this is...one showing Coach Taylor (love him) giving some fatherly advice to his teenage daughter, Julie, and another showing some competitive, tough Texas high school football (love that as well).

Give it a shot...I think you will be pleasantly surprised :)





Kinda makes me miss Friday night football games during high school :)

Gym Etiquette

At the risk of writing two very complain-ish posts in a row, I feel the need to provide some guidance to men at the gym. The gym to which I belonged in Lakewood had a "ladies only" room. A room where women could lift weights away from the wandering eyes, nasty grunting, and "macho" music blaring in the regular free weights area--an area occupied mostly by men. While I worked out there, I thought it was ridiculous that there was a women's side and a men's side. Separate but equal is unconstitutional, right?

I was wrong.

Generally, I work out in the morning before work, but on Mondays, I hit up the gym after work to lift and it is probably the most crowded the gym ever gets. There is a waiting list for treadmills, it's sickeningly hot when you walk in the door, and the free weight area is over populated with the i-can't-touch-my-finger-to-my-face-because-my-bicep-is-so-big types. I tell you what, I miss the ladies weight room.

It's like there's some kind of sexist, unwritten rule that women can use the cardio equipment, the circuit machines, but NOT the free weights. That's male domain...women out. Or, if you want to take the risk of venturing into the man territory, you have to accept that you will be subjected to stares and workout "advice" from most of the men back there. It's completely ridiculous.

So, men, here's 8 pieces of advice for proper gym etiquette.

1. Grunting does not make you appear stronger. Stop putting on the act.
2. Doing 4 reps of extremely heaving weights and then walking around for 10 minutes "resting" and still occupying a bench with your towel is ridiculous: not only are you a bench hog, but you aren't doing that much for your muscles either.
3.I was a college athlete. I know how to lift. I do not need your "tips" on how to get the most out of my lunges, or the newest protein shake. If I want exercise tips, I will get a subscription to Shape magazine.
4. If you sweat all over a bench, for goodness sake, clean it off. I think people would appreciate not having to be exposed to whatever infectious diseases you may be carrying.
5. Throwing down your weights in order to make a loud sound after your set of reps does not make you appear stronger. See number 1.
6. Just because you use the mirror to check out women instead of turning and looking at them doesn't mean we can't see you. You are not sly.
7. After doing your 1 set of 4 reps with 300 lbs on the bench press, it'd be nice if you would remove the weights. It'd be nice to get a workout from actually doing my routine, rather than from moving around other people's weights.
8. Just because you look in the mirror to check out your muscles doesn't mean we can't see you checking yourself out. See number 6.

Ok, I'm done now. No more complaining :)

No Summer Nights for Me

I'm frustrated. Maybe that's not the right word... I found out last week that I was misled previously when I thought I wouldn't have to work later hours at work. Come late May, I will start work at 2PM, which means I won't be done until 10 or 11PM. I think I'm so frustrated because the duration of this exciting shift will be the entire summer. I'm totally bummed.

See, the thing is, this change could potentially be just fine. I will have time in the morning to run, maybe even spend an hour or two at the pool. I will have more down time at work to work towards a promotion. Besides, it's still only 5 days a week, I will still have plenty of free evenings. And by the fall, I will likely have put in my time at the later shift and can move back up...but there's just something about summer evenings I will miss. Nighttime bbqs, playing cornhole while the sun goes down, walking my dog at dusk...I love summer, but I feel like working this late I am going to be missing out or something.

I realize this is not that crazy and I am making a big deal about nothing...but

Anyone know where I can get a teaching license and a job before summer starts ? :)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

So I woke up early to go to this ORRRC 5K for St. Patty's Day and it was freezing! 26 degrees with a wind chill of 13...brrr! I ended up 1st in my age group...woohoo and received the sweetest trophy ever!!





Now it's time for a nap and then to enjoy all things green, or something like that. :)

Download it

This is kind of piggybacking on my post earlier this week. (I love that I just used the term piggybacking)

I LOVE this song. I think the perfect relationship I desire might involve two people who support each other, two people who are independent of each other, but still protect and shelter each other through all the junk the world slings their way...and in the process, motivate each other to live out their respective missions and callings in life.

Shelter

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
as though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that make you live are killing you
Listen when all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
Hey you will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you
I will shelter you

-Ray LaMontagne

Thunderstorms!

So tonight there is a big chance of thunderstorms...and I LOVE it. One of my favorite things is to fall asleep to rain and thunderstorms...with the lightening flashing all night. It's awesome.

I found this video of a thunderstorm...the video isn't that great, but the sounds are amazing. I seriously might start playing this while I sleep on repeat ;)

Feel Good List II

It's definitely time for another feel good list...especially after Tuesday's weather!

1. Near 80 degree weather! And no rain, no clouds, just sunshine!
2. Getting out of work at 2PM on Tuesday so I could enjoy the awesome weather (ok, so I have to go in early on Thursday for "team" day...but still)
3. Maple Brown Sugar Frosted Mini Wheats--just bought them Sunday and they are amazing (especially soggy)
4. My dog recovering from her $130 dollar injury...poor girl.
5. The ergonomic-ization of my office! New chair, new furniture all around....I have never been so comfy at work!
6. Roller skating (nope, not rollerblading) for the first time since like 5th grade (and 6 year olds were faster, more skilled, and less fearful)
7. Running my daily 5 in shorts and outside...felt so good!!
8. A surprise RAISE at work...YAY!
9. Trying Skyline dip (with cool ranch doritos) for the first time...and loving it
10. Late night dog walk and it was still 70 degrees out!

When Men Were Men

This past Friday night, I watched 300, a movie about 300 Spartan warriors taking on the massive Persian army. (And I must give thanks that I even had a seat to sit in to Steve Fuller who fought tooth and nail so that 10 of us could sit together, and attribute the company with whom I got to sit to Steve Bragg for sacrificing sitting with the group because we were a chair short--props to both) The Spartan men had one calling in life--to be tough, fight-to-the-death soldiers who defended their country at all costs. Nothing stood in the way of their mission--not the temptations of money, or power, or women. Nothing. These men were real men. Tough (I don't think any of the men had any kind of shirt on the entire movie), brave, and completely focused on what their role was in their kingdom--being soldiers of Sparta.

I promise this relates...but I love the show Friday Night Lights (8PM NBC, seriously, DVR it). One of the reasons I am addicted to it is the head football coach. He is an awesome father, totally devoted husband, and a tough, successful football coach. I watch the show and I'm thinking--now there's a real man. He calls out other men when they aren't living up to being great husbands and dads. He protects his daughter, honors his wife. And, yet, he is confident and takes charge of situations when he needs to.

Sometimes I feel like there are not enough "real" men out there. I mean I know these are fictional representations, but is it completely ridiculous to desire these traits in men? Do we have to compromise strength and confidence to meet a guy who's not a complete jerk? And as women, can we become less dependent on relationships and men in order to allow men to be strong enough to live out their own mission?

By far my favorite scene in 300 is where King Leonidas is leaving Sparta to go fight the Persians, and his wife tells him to come back with his shield or not at all (meaning die a glorified death living out your mission in life--being a Spartan warrior--or come back with a victory). She isn't sappy, doesn't cry and beg him to come back alive for her sake or her son's sake. She supports him to do his thing, to get done what he's supposed to get done and to fulfill his duty in life. She doesn't stand in his way, she pushes him on and while he's away, she works her butt off to try to find even more support for her husband's mission...and that is awesome.

That is what I want. A man who has a mission in his life and a passion for actually doing it. And I would love to be the kind of woman who could see past my own insecurities and encourage him to do what he's called to do...to be a real man.

p.s. Happy Birthday Steve Fuller!

ESCAPE

Yesterday on the Today Show, which I watch while I get ready in the morning, there was a feature story that followed the lives of those individuals who had won the lottery. The story can be found here. It was pretty incredible the trouble these people got into after their wealth increased infinitely. More interesting, though, was that these people kept reiterating that the money didn't really change their state of happiness. The money just created other, sometimes worse, problems.

I have really been on a kick recently about really trying hard to be content, no matter the circumstances, to try to stop worrying about where I should be and focus on living where I am, now, today. So easily I become defined by my circumstances. For instance, in law school I was always too busy to do anything. My life wasn't settled yet because I didn't have my degree, so I felt like it was ok to have everything kind of hang in limbo, without committing to anything seriously.

I had a great conversation with a good friend on my way home from Cincinnati last night and we were kind of chatting about finding an ideal place to live, and joked how it could never be Ohio. I kept thinking how often when I get tired of the "circumstances" of my life, I am so ready to escape. Go somewhere else, try something new.

I think it's scary to be content in our circumstances. We are trained by society and our parents to always want more, to never be satisfied, that we somehow deserve more. It's hard not to feel like I am letting myself down by being satisfied where I am. This is the perfectionist in me, I suppose. It's no wonder it's so difficult to live for God in the mundane, in the day to day things we do and places we frequent daily because we seem to wait for some earth-shattering opportunity or some big event to share our faith. But, most of us aren't going to have some momentous occasion to do that. And how many opportunities do we let slip away waiting for that? Waiting to do something the next time, to treat someone to coffee another day, to wait to have a conversation that is "meaningful" rather than friendly chit chat... More and more I just really believe that life changing and "momentous" things happen by loving people just during our day to day lives--unplanned, unedited, and kind of confusing at times.

It's definitely something that I feel convicted about...especially considering how often I want to escape to something new! :) (or someplace new rather, with warm sandy beaches and a cloudless sky...rolling waves...)

Why I Became a Lawyer...Or Something

When I was in college, I was involved in a violent robbery. Ok, that didn't sound quite right. I wasn't perpetrating the robbery...but, I was held up. And it's a good story. So, settle in, grab a beverage, and enjoy ;)

I was 19 years old. My summer job from the time I was 16 until 22 was as a lifeguard at the Stone Oak Country Club. It was a cake job. I won't even begin to describe how perfect that job was here...but, if I could ever go back in time, going back to those summers spent at that pool would rank very high on my "places to visit with the time machine" list.

Anyway, that sumer I decided to pick up a second job at our local video store in the evenings for extra cash. (That was back when I actually saved money.) The Video Connection on Central Ave. was quite the job. Free videos, minimal work. There were some downsides. It was open till midnight, which meant some nights I came home late. There was also an 18 and over room. And each night, that room had to be restocked. SICK! But, yes, it was part of my job. The two workers who closed had to restock all the videos (including the porn room) and count out the money for deposit in the morning.

It was a typical evening at the video store and Kevin (name changed so I don't get sued for defamation/ libel or whatever other tort might be thought up) and I were getting ready to close. At about 1030, he had popped in the Kevin Costner classic, Robin Hood. We finally locked up the store and I agreed to restock the adult video room because I thought I might get out earlier than having to count the money.

I grabbed the videos, headed to the back. Once I was inside, careless throwing videos wherever so I could spend as little time as possible in there, I heard this huge crash. I thought for sure Kevin had knocked over one of the televisions that sat behind the counter. I ran out and yelled "Kevin, what'd you do" but my words were cut short.

Right before me, there were two masked men (kid you not) who had busted through the glass doors with hammers, holding up Kevin demanding the money. Instantly, I figured this was how I was going to die. Shot up at the local Video Connection.

So what did I do? I did what anybody who has watched enough NYPD Blue to learn a thing or two about robberies would do. I put my hands in the air and froze behind the racks of videos and prayed the masked men didn't see me. The entire time the robbery took place, Bryan Adams's Everything I Do I Do it For You serenaded the event while the credits rolled for the movie.

And apparently they didn't see me. I didn't die, or get shot up. They took the money, and ran. (And got caught on the Ohio Turnpike at a Denny's eating, after having left a trail along the Turnpike just like Hansel and Gretel. Seriously, criminals are idiots.) But, by far, it was the scariest experience of my life. I was completely freaked out driving home.

But, in the end, I was so grateful I was restocking those nasty videos! Who knows how things could have been different if I were the one counting the money! You won't ever hear me condemning porn movies--they nearly saved my life! (kidding--don't freak out)

That's my story. After that, I wanted the bad guys put away. So I went to law school. And now I I'm a research attorney in an office all day. It all adds up, right?

I am a Tax Genius!

My sister doubted my tax preparation skills because, in her words, "I don't know Liz, you're my sister, I just don't think you're smart enough to do them."

So, this past weekend she went out and bought tax software. And guess what? I actually found $6 more dollars for her friend MY WAY! SO THERE, TURBO TAX!

Just think what you can do with $6...3 coffees at Starbucks, a Chipotle burrito, a movie ticket (if you go at like 10AM), 6 diet dr. peppers from the vending machine at work...I mean really the possibilities are endless...

They don't put Esq. after my name for nothin'!

When the New Wears Off

Is there such thing as "happily ever after"? I am feeling more friendly toward the opposite sex than I was maybe 2 months ago...but, I still am clueless as ever. I think my problem is how does the passion ever last beyond the infatuation stage? I mean can you really deny that a lot of the fun of dating/relationships is the "getting to know you" phase. It's exciting, it's new, it's fun, kind of awkward, but thrilling too.

One of my biggest fears, maybe the biggest, is that I will end up in a marriage devoid of passion. As much as I desire somebody with whom to share my life, it seems worthless if we aren't crazy about each other. Is this impossible? I mean does anybody really fall deeper in love with their spouse as time goes on? I guess I'm just not around relationships like that very often.

Instead, I see marriages where spouses can't communicate, and the very behaviors that they used to think were cute, now infuriate them. The romance fizzles and routine sets in. This has happened to me in relationships that lasted 2 years, let alone a lifetime! And, honestly, when relationships get to that point, it just seems to me to be the breeding ground for cheating and other kinds of dishonesty. We like the comfort of a relationship, but don't want the work to maintain a certain level of passion.

Relationships are hard work, to be sure, but I think it would be awesome to keep the excitement even after the "new-ness" wears off. And maybe someday I'll eat my words (when I'm still living alone at 40 with my dog), but I don't think I want it any other way.

NO RACE

So because of all the rain this past week and the expected cold temps (which makes the roads icy) tomorrow, my race is rescheduled for April 1!

Looks like somebody gets to sleep in tomorrow :)