A Little Perspective

I usually resist change. I am not one of those spontaneous, whatever -happens- is-great people. I like routine, I plan things, and I don't like it when I have to deviate from the plan. Recently, though, I have been longing for change. All day I have been in a funk and can't figure out why I'm so frustrated, but I think some of it comes from wanting change. During the last three months, my relationship with God has changed a lot, in good ways. I'm working hard on trusting God more and relying on my own problem solving less. I'm trying to sort through what evangelism means and how my idea of it fits within all the negative connotations I have of that word. I'm being super disciplined about prayer in the hopes it will help my trust issues with God. I'm being much more open about what's going on in my life with other people. This is all good. These are all things I wasn't doing 6 months ago. But, I'm still frustrated with myself.
I want transformation. I want to surrender my junk to God immediately, without first trying to figure it out and then when I have no solution going and seeing what God can do about it. I want to stop being so darn critical of people, of Christians who are maybe pursuing a style of ministry/evangelism I think is ineffective. I want to not be so cynical about love. I want to trust God without questioning whether He really will come through. I want to not have to deal with the same temptations/challenges/struggles I've dealt with for years.
For me, when growth starts to feel slow, I get frustrated. So tonight I was feeling kind of stagnant and wondering what I needed to do to see more growth, to feel change faster. What is my next step? What is my plan of action? As I was thinking about it/praying on my way home, I gained a little perspective. Instead of comparing myself to everybody else, or to where I think I should be, I started thinking about where I was 6 months ago; how I was living during law school. I AM growing. My life is very different than it was a year ago, or even last July. Maybe I need to stop setting expectations for myself that will only lead me to be disappointed. I realized tonight I should be excited for how much more trusting I am of God than I was just a few months ago, instead of getting so frustrated that I still doubt a lot. Instead of waiting until desperation sets in, I am surrendering struggles much sooner than before. I am going to be more excited about how far I have come, rather than be concerned about where I need to be. Not that I don't need to look ahead and continue to grow, but that I need to be less concerned with speed, with a destination. I need to accept that I am, and always will be, "in process" and that is ok.
I know God wants me to keep moving forward and growing closer to Him, but how great is it that He loves us where we are? He loves us while we are still learning, changing, slipping up, moving on, growing up. I love that. I'm so thankful for where I am right now, for how I've changed/grown recently. I just needed a little perspective to figure that out.