i love the food network

I have an obsession with the Food Network. I love spending Saturday and Sunday mornings drinking coffee, catching up on emails from work and watching Paula, Giada, and Rachel teach me how to make delicious dishes. One Sunday morning I watched the Food Network in HD on Steve's tv--and let me just say I am convinced whomever invented HD did so to showcase sports (of course), but also food!

It's funny because once in a while I will attempt one of the recipes I watch on tv--and it's so gratifying. (Although it can also be frustrating--one of Giada's dishes I tried to replicate ended up with the smoke alarm that would NOT stop going off). But, when it's all said and done, it's much more satisfying to attempt to make a recipe than simply watching it on tv. And I learn that way--I learn not only cooking techniques, but I also learn what spices I like or don't like and what flavors compliment together.  We all learn the best by actually doing, right? 

I think we all could "do" a little more and "watch" a little less. In all areas of my life I should be jumping in and getting my hands dirty so I can learn. Because it's harder (and much slower) to learn and grow by just watching from the sidelines and letting everybody else tell you what you do and don't need in your life. I firmly believe it's the messy mistakes in our own life that teach us the most. And those mistakes usually teach us way more than someone else's words or advice.  

p & p

Tonight Steve and I watched Becoming Jane, a movie about Jane Austen and how a certain love interest in her life influenced her writing Pride and Prejudice. Yes, I owe Steve big for letting me pick the movie and letting me pick that movie. I am a very lucky woman.

Anyway...of course I came home and rummaged through my old, tattered copy of Pride and Prejudice. This book is definitely in my top 5 of all time, and may be my favorite. 

Either way, here are 2 passages I came across tonight. I love this story. Enjoy and have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It was too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun. 

-Mr. Darcy, Chapter 60

You were disgusted with the women who were always speaking and looking, and thinking for your approbation alone. I roused, and interested you, because I was so unlike them.

-Elizabeth, Chapter 60

The essentials

This morning I went to give Fiona her scoop of dog food only to realize there were 5 little kibbles left in the bag. I rummaged around and ended up feeding her a half hot dog for breakfast since I figured that was the most dog-ish food in the house. (If that doesn't give you the picture of what an amazing parent I would be, I don't know what will)

It's been over 2 weeks since I've made a decent grocery store run and I am desperately in need of food, but I just was not in the mood for a long Kroger trip. So I decided I would make a trip to IGA on my way home from work for some essentials.

My essentials?

1 bag of dog food

1 "just for one" California Kitchen Pizza

2 bottles of vihno verde (the best summer wine ever-and no they were not for dinner, but IGA has been out of stock of this delicious 5.99 wine, so I figured I would stock up)

1 pack of Orbit Crystal Mint gum

The cashier scanned my items and said "looks like a fun night for you." And it was! Sometimes I get to thinking how great it is to be all grown up and get just what I want from the store, instead of what I need. Sure, I could've spent $20 on things like eggs and bread and lunch meat...but, somedays your "essentials" vary. :-)

sadness

I planted two little tomato plants with the hopes of having tomatoes I could pick right off and eat without having to go to the grocery store. And they are both on their way to dying. It's completely my fault. I planted them in pots that didn't have a hole for drainage and inadvertently placed them under a gutter (that is in desperate need of being cleaned out). So, every time it rains, they get dumped on. The poor little tomatoes are drowning! I am going to try to drill a hole in the pots tonight and put a stake in each one so they can grow up straight, but I think my dream of having tomatoes right outside on my deck is fading. 

In better news, I did win 2/3 games of Jeopardy on Saturday AND it's supposed to be a gorgeous Memorial Day Weekend! 

self-sufficiency

"And how disastrous for us is the continual remembrance of death which war enforces. One of our best weapons, contented worldliness, is rendered useless. In wartime not even a human can believe that he is going to live forever."

-The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis

Two things happened to me today that were kind of convicting-1. I listened to a podcast of a talk given by Matt Chandler that suggested the danger of living a life where you are constantly trying to remain safe and in control (and how that essentially means you are saying you control God) and then 2. I read through half of The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, and came across a section where Screwtape basically states one of his best weapons is when a person has "contented worldliness." 

I know that I struggle, and will likely always struggle, with pride. I consider myself intelligent (although God likes to use Jeopardy to humble me). I try to make logical, wise decisions. And in all of that, I try to control everything. I do certain things to control areas of my life, and in a sense, to create certain outcomes. For example, I work hard at work, put in long hours--to make sure I have job security. I call my sister and spend time with her, to make sure we stay close. I exercise daily and *try* to eat healthfully so that I will live longer. But while none of that is bad per se, it's dangerous to get content in relying on doing those things to create safety and security.

I mean, everything in this world is so futile. In his talk Matt Chandler kept saying "all it takes is one phone call" to disrupt everything I've worked so hard to control.  And in controlling everything, I'm making myself a slave to those things. That is not a free life. 

It's just another reminder that this life isn't mine. My life is God's--for Him to use how he wants. Everything is His and was created for His glory. Everything. True contentment, the kind of which Paul describes when he says he has learned to be content in all circumstances, is not a contentment derived from setting all his ducks in a row and having a safe life. Paul's contentment is a peace that he feels because he knows his life is not his, but God's. And recognizing that means he can be joyful and free even during the worst kind of suffering.

So far this year for me has really been learning how to be free. And I think to be free I have to learn to be content in the same manner Paul is. I can't create that kind of peace because I have money or a boyfriend or a loving family or health. All those things could be gone at any moment. 

I'm beginning to realize that true freedom and peace come from knowing my life is not mine, but God has given it to me and wants to use it to glorify Him. And I think that is pretty exciting. It's also a relief to not have to be a slave to everything else.

Welcome Home

I spent the weekend in Pittsburgh (Go Steelers!). When I arrived home about 2 hours ago, the house was empty. I opened the door to the most wonderful welcome. My 12lb dog literally lept into my arms, whimpering and licking me. She was so very very excited to see me. 

I really don't know if there is a better feeling than the sound of a dog running to the door ready to welcome you back home. No matter how much I neglect her, yell at her, push her off my bed, she still comes running with a tail wagging welcome.

I just love it. Extra treats for Fi!

(This is a picture of her welcoming me by stealing my sock--not even 10 minutes after I was home ;-) )

Take Me Away

36 more days until I am relaxing on the sandy beaches of the Outer Banks.  I am very, very, very ready to get away and escape work, routine, and return refreshed. And I promise not to check my work email while away (more than 5 times--kidding! ;-) ).

Take me away

A secret place.

A Sweet escape.

Take me away.

-Take Me Away, Natasha Bedingfield

cursed?

When I was younger, my dad always drove Volvo station-wagons. He drove his last Volvo on the day it blew up on the highway. True story. My dad smelled smoke, pulled over, jumped out, and poof-up in flames the car went. All he salvaged was his burnt up license (which he didn't replace until the expiration date).

The important part of this story--my dad had only one payment left on the car. Since then, not only has my dad switched car makers, but he leases his cars. He and my mom constantly go back and forth about leasing v. buying. Each has their pros and cons. But, for my dad, this little piece of bad luck was enough to change his car-purchasing habits for life.

I say this all because I am 2 car payments away from having my car completely paid off. In fact, I owe less than $500 on my car. It is actually worth a decent amount (I checked the Kelly Blue Book today!). BUT in the past few months, and even moreso this past month, everything that can go wrong with my car has. 

Ok, maybe that's not completely true. But in the last 6 months, I've had my side mirror replaced ($100) windshield replaced (due to giant crack-$150), new wiper rod thingies (at a wopping $300), new brakes ($400) and routine maintenance, including 2 oil changes and a 60K mile check up. I desperately need new tires and to have my hood release fixed, but have held off as these are not "essential" and I simply am not made of money.

Today, I left work, and heard something flapping on my car roof. The trim between my windshield and roof was flapping about and has come "unglued". Well, all I know is I came "unglued" when I realized yet ANOTHER thing was wrong with my car. My uncle, who knows a lot about cars, but unfortunately lives in the middle of nowhere near Dayton, reassured me that my windshield wasn't going anywhere--but that my car might leak if it rains. Sweet. I'm sure it won't rain anytime soon during SPRING IN OHIO.

Oh well. The moral of the story--I think I have my Dad's luck. What to do...hang on to my little saturn and hope it lasts a few years so I can pay off some debt or get rid of the little moneysucker. 

All I know is thank god it isn't supposed to rain tomorrow. I also think I should be buying stock in Saturn for how much money I spend at their service shop.

the big picture

As much as I wish I weren't, I am definitely a type "A" personality. I obsessively make lists. Adhering to a schedule brings me comfort. I am a control freak. I like things done my way. I compulsively analyze stuff.

I think my personality is the reason my job is very stressful for me. I try so hard to be in control of everything, but there is so much that happens in a case that I simply cannot manage. I can't do everything and I have to rely on other people to do their job right--and that's hard for me, particularly when they don't do their job right. 

On Thursday, I tried something new. You might think this is cheesey, but it really did work. Each time I took a little break--whether it was a ride down the elevator or a trip to the bathroom, I recited silently to myself Psalm 46:10 (be still and know I am God). 

All it took was a moment for me to remind myself everything--work, relationships, finances, the future--everything is under God's control. Yes, God puts us in situations and presents us with opportunities to be available for Him to reach the people of this world, but, He is still in charge. God is much bigger than the petty stuff I allow myself to be consumed by at times. 

In those short moments, I was able to remind myself God doesn't want me spending my time obsessing over why my Motion didn't make it to Stark County overnight even though the DHL receipts indicate otherwise. He wants me to calm down, to feel free, and to know He is God. 

you're (i'm) so vain.

My evening started with a trip to the gym. I belong to UC's rec center. Usually, I go to the gym first thing in the morning at 6:00a.m., but this morning I just could not wake up, so around 6:00p.m. I began my workout. As I was walking in I noticed how full of people the campus was. There were people studying in the amphitheater area, people just walking around talking...it all made me slightly reminiscent about my own college days. It also made me feel old. 

It got worse. Usually when I'm at the gym in the morning, it is not crowded at all, and most of the people there at 6:00a.m. are not students. They are professors or staff or community members, like myself. But tonight at the gym, it was like all the gorgeous, young, thin people were working out. Not only did I feel old, but I felt anything but attractive.  While on the indoor track running I vowed to get some cute workout clothes if I was ever going to come back at that time. (At one point, I found myself highly critical of this young girl in these extremely short shorts doing what I considered to be quite risky leg lifts considering what she was wearing. Then, I so hate to admit this, I realized I was being so critical not because I cared what she was wearing but because I was slightly jealous of the attention she was getting. Oh Lord..I can't even believe I wrote that...scary, right?)

Of course, it's ridiculous, and incredibly vain. I'm not that old. I won't be 27 until August. I'm not overweight. I'm actually in pretty good shape and could probably run much longer than most of the people in that gym. I don't think I'm an ugly person. But that isn't the point. Sometimes I just have these moments where I realize I'm not invincible and getting old isn't that far off. And it scares me. I'm scared of not feeling attractive because I'm not young anymore. I think especially as a woman in a world where looks are so important, getting old can be rather frightening. It can feel like a loss of power and status, and at times sadly enough, a loss of identity. No wonder the beauty industry is so vast. 

The original point of my post was that I just don't feel old. Honestly, I still feel stuck in time at maybe like 14 or 15 years old. Sometimes I can't believe I'm a lawyer or that I have a license to drive a car or that I have a paycheck. After the gym I came home to my roommate and my sister eating dinner with some of their friends from college. They were all commenting on who was getting married and who was having babies. But, it just seems nuts. I don't feel old enough for any of that--and I don't think my friends are old enough either. But, we are, right? 

It's just weird. It's weird getting older and it's weird coming to grips with the fact that what we see isn't lasting. 

And I think the most important thing in all of this is just remembering what my identity really is. It's so easy to get caught up in all this worldly, non-lasting junk. But following Christ means being free from all that. And I think that's pretty cool. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

-2 Corinthians 4:16, 18

simple pleasures

-Fiona falling asleep in my lap while we were praying during our Women's Group...maybe she was praying too ;-)

-feeling sore from working out

-beating Steve in 2 out of 3 games of Jeopardy on Saturday (ok one of the wins is "contested"...but still, I've been on a bad losing streak, it was nice to grab a victory or two)

-today was the last cold day. enough said.

-finally getting my task list at work down to a manageable level (for now)

-skyline dip + strawberries & angel food cake + chips/salsa + leftover Dewey's pizza = great night

-reliving Battleship and the game of Life this weekend with my niece and nephew--those games are AWESOME

-flowers blooming everywhere (text bouquets make it even sweeter ;-) )

-two Lifetime movies in 24 hours

-i will be on a beach for 10 days in a row in less than 58 days...mmm.

life is good.

worst case scenario

On Wednesday, my roomate and her boyfriend took my dog on a little "road trip" down to see her boyfriend's dog. On the way, they put the window down so Fiona could stick her head out (apparently every dog's dream). I've never let her do that before--I've always feared she would either: a. get something in her eye or b. jump out the window and be gone forever. Steve was quick to tell me it wasn't fair to deny Fiona the joy of feeling the wind through her fur just because I was afraid something might happen. Is Fiona being safe worth denying her exciting experiences like sticking her head out of the window in a car and instead relegating her to stare out the window on the back of the couch?

I know it's so silly! But, I was thinking today that my typical approach to relationships/friendships is sort of similar. Instead of being open, hopeful, and trusting; I'm defensive, closed off, and anxious. I call it the "worst-case scenario" approach. I prepare myself for the worst possible thing that could happen...and basically wait for it. In the meantime, I protect myself as best I can. 

But, I'm kind of tired of this method. And I think it's emotionally immature. Sure, it makes sense that when you've been lied to, treated poorly, or had your heart broken you will guard yourself more carefully, but I think at some point the past just needs to be let go. I can't have a  healthy relationship if I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. I won't be trusting and open--two things no relationship can survive without. 

Anyway, it would be ridiculous if I stopped driving my car because I was afraid I would get in a wreck. It's silly for me to stop running outside because there's a chance I could get attacked. And in the same regard, it's stupid to not be trusting, graceful, and open in a relationship just because something bad might happen or has happened in the past. 

I don't know what it is about our hearts getting broken that is so incredibly scary. In other areas of our life we want to risk and lead adventurous lives. But, with our hearts--mine in particular--I flip into self-defense mode.  I  think I miss out when I approach relationships by envisioning the worst case scenario, instead of focusing on what is good and potentially exciting. I also think it's incredibly selfish to constantly be concerned with "what will happen to me? How could I be hurt?" 

It's time for me to grow up, to stop being so concerned with myself and with what might go wrong. I have one life and I think I'd rather stick my neck out the window and take a chance rather than sit on the couch and watch, always wondering what it might feel like to be hopeful instead of anxious.

*note--the above picture is NOT my dog, nor is at cute as the birthday card that I will continue to circulate until Hallmark stops making it...but you get the idea 

fantasy v. reality

I've just finished watching Season 3 of Lost. I should've been in bed an hour ago because I have to get to work super early tomorrow to try to find a parking spot downtown prior to the Opening Day Parade shutting down all the parking lots.

But, instead, I can't stop thinking about the show. I can't stop thinking that for most of the people on the island, there really isn't anything for them to return to anyway. I'm not really even sure why they want to be rescued at this point. In some ways, the island is a fantasy much better than real life for most of the characters.

Who knows what this show is about, but it sort of struck me tonight--this contrast between fantasy and reality. Is the fantasy always better? Is the harshness and struggle of reality worth it simply because it's real? Is it better to dream about what might be, but will never actually be or to fight through what is and have hope it can be better?

Yea, I don't know. All I know is Lost leaves me with more questions than any show I've ever watched! 

Happy Opening Day! We get to dress casually and get hot dogs for lunch! No complaints here :-)

Just Look Around

I was perusing the "items wanted" section on Craig's List last night because I'm trying to find someone who may need all the clothes I just purged from my closet and dresser, and came across this:

"I need cash work! I have a two year old daughter and we have been abandoned by my husband over a week ago. I have no way to pay my bills for April. I have many skills and I am available all shifts. I could do domestic chores, babysit, run errands, clerical work, and many other things. Please call...I also need windows, headlights and taillights...My husband busted out all the windows before he left"

Now, I understand you may be skeptical. I am always skeptical of people asking for money. But, either way, it's clear this woman is hurting and desperate. 

I saw several other ads while looking on the website. The thing is, we are all surrounded by people who have needs--not just financial needs, but deeper needs. Odds are every day you encounter someone who is desperately longing to be loved and cared about. 

Reading this ad was just a reminder to me that I am called to be aware that humanity is longing to be loved. And as a follower of Christ, I am called to do just that--to not just look the other way or wait for someone else to help people; but, instead to share our stories so that others may learn hope. 

So, today I am going to keep my eyes open to people who are broken, hurting and in a low place in their life who need a friend--not just my money or stuff. I'm guessing I won't have to look too far.

In other news...let's say you're playing a game of jeopardy. The category requires the word "red" to be in the Answer. The clue is "debit's opposite." Would you accept "creditor" as an answer or is "credit" the only correct answer?

Can you tell I lost to Steve in Jeopardy again last night? :-/

work work work

It's no secret work's been very busy as of late. Foreclosures are at an all time high, and Ohio is one of the leading states for number of foreclosures in the country. In January, I committed myself to try to find a routine that worked for me finding peace between work and life outside work. I plugged away at my little schedule I constructed for myself, but little by little, I've allowed the structure I set up fall away.

I don't think it's bad to work a lot of hours, or to be into your work. But, I do think it's bad when I start finding myself getting super sensitive to everything...and when I realize I'm being extremely sarcastic (more-so than usual!) to the point it comes across as very very negative. And I really only get like this when I'm exhausted and stressed out. 

I get so frustrated with myself when I'm stressed out because I have a short temper, I complain way too much, and overall I'm not pleasant to be around. It's all very selfish.  I don't want to be one of those people who uses work as an excuse to be curt with others and generally, be an overall jerk. I don't want to use work as an excuse to being late for stuff.

This is my life. And no amount of money or judgments in my client's favor is going to heal the relationships that suffer when I allow myself to become obsessive about work. And it's hard because I'm new at this, so things don't come as easily to me as they might in 5 years.  But that obsession with work leads to lots of stress...and that extreme stress leads to me, well, being pretty much a jerk.  And, for sure, when I am a nervous wreck, I'm not at all available for God to use me. I know God put this job in my lap--there's no way around it. Working so much is completely futile if I'm engaging in it alone, and apart from God's involvement.

If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.

If God doesn't guard the city, 

the night watchman might as well nap.

It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,

and work your worried fingers to the bone.

Don't you know he enjoys 

giving rest to those he loves?

-Psalm 127:1-2, The Message

Anyway...here's to summer being around the corner, vacation, and most of all grace. I'll never be perfect, but I can be more alert to the potential harm work/stress can have on my life. 

In the meantime, I think it might be time to start scheduling weekly massages... :-)

Sacrifice

I got to thinking that today, Good Friday, is really a reminder of sacrifice. Today we remember Jesus's death on the cross--a death that destroyed the barrier of sin that previously prevented us from being in a relationship with God. Ultimately, this sacrifice is about love.

Today is a good reminder for me that loving people means sacrificing--my time, my money, my life. I wonder how my life would be different if I remembered that to love means to sacrifice. I wonder how my relationships would be different if I put others' needs before my own; if I stopped hoarding God's love, and instead let it pour out to every person I met.

I think in the end it's about being selfless--forgoing the selfish desire to be the "best Christian" and instead choosing to show love by sacrificing. What if your small group was more about how you could love the people around you who don't know God instead of being a place where you obsess about the things you need to do to be a better Christian?  I'm think we truly understand and experience the magnitude of Jesus's sacrifice for us, when we begin showing the world God's love by sacrificing for it.

Today reminds me that I spend way too much time thinking about myself, about my failures and shortcomings as a Christian. Today reminds me of the call to live a sacrificial life because God loves me--and living sacrificially is so natural if we genuinely are experiencing God's love and are allowing ourselves to be transformed by it.

Have a Happy Easter!

I Win...I Lose.

In court this past Wednesday, I ran into a person with whom I went to law school. Immediately, the conversation went from "nice to see you" to "So, what firm are you working for?" and "How many attorneys are there?" and, "What neighborhood are you living in?"  

It's amazing how the answers to these questions sort of define how "successful" I'd become in this person's eyes. I was thinking to myself this weekend how important appearances can become to us. They can be almost dangerous--getting caught up in meaningless games to ensure we come off as the most successful, the prettiest, the most different...whatever that thing is. 

I like to think I don't get caught up in stuff like that. I mean, I follow Jesus, right? But, I found myself wanting this person to know my firm had over 70 lawyers. I was glad I wore my nice black pinstripe suit, instead of the cheaper-looking brown one I almost wore that day (I'm not kidding...I wish I were). And not because I wanted to seem attractive; but, because I wanted to look successful and appear to be making so much money I could afford nice suits (which is definitely not true!). 

So, even though I'm extremely stressed out, I work too much on the weekends, complain to whoever will listen about how hard my job is--at that moment, I had to brag about my "success" so that I could win the little career game between someone I went to school with for three years. PATHETIC. 

That is definitely not freedom. Jesus offers something radically different than the little games we play in this world, constantly competing with each other--building facades of success or the perfect family or relationship, when inside we are messed up. We are frightened of what people would think if they knew what we really thought. Even the best of us harbor feelings of hatred, lust, pride--all kinds of junk only God can deal with. 

I'm glad I had that random encounter. It highlighted for me how easy it is to fall into the games the world plays--how easy it is to want to fool people around us with appearances, and hide the pain and junk inside. But, we can't hide from God. God knows, and we can't fake behavior or our lives to impress Him. 

What a wonderful, freeing feeling to live solely for God...and not for appearances or games. This is my new passion--I want to quit playing games. I want to let God fix the inside so that what others see on the outside isn't hypocrisy, but something radically different.

Happy Valentine's Day!

If a Steelers fan and a Bengals fan can date each other and make it work, there's hope for anybody!

hope you have a great day with your Valentine...but, I think I somehow snagged the best one ;-)

Listen and Repeat.

I have been playing this song on repeat for like a week now. It's so cute...and who knows, maybe if you hang out at Taza, you'll fall in love at a coffee shop!

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down,
I want to come too.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me, quite like you do,
Through all of the shadowy corners of me.

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine,
Now I'm shining too.

Because, oh because,
I've fallen quite hard over you.

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know.
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone.

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

All of the while, all of the while,
And it's you.

-Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg

Home

I worked late today--not because I necessarily had to, but more because I wanted to free up Thursday and Friday. (note-I have most likely now jinxed myself so that I will have to work late both Thursday and Friday)

There is this amazing feeling of coming home after being away for a long time. I left the house at 7:30AM in the freezing cold, dark sky and pulled in the driveway--er parked in the street in front of my house--at 6:40 PM (still dark and cold) and just felt this incredible relief. HOME--yes! Time to relax, read, put on my comfy slippers and drink a glass of wine--not necessarily in that order.

A week or so ago, I was talking with my good friend Jana, and she was chatting about how she finally realized she would always struggle with insecurity, etc. We were basically thinking that no matter what, as human beings we will perpetually be "figuring it out"--which can be frustrating.

I can only imagine what it feels like to go to heaven. The relief it must be to finally be home--in a place where insecurity is gone, faith is affirmed, eternal happiness...just seems incredible, doesn't it?