It got worse. Usually when I'm at the gym in the morning, it is not crowded at all, and most of the people there at 6:00a.m. are not students. They are professors or staff or community members, like myself. But tonight at the gym, it was like all the gorgeous, young, thin people were working out. Not only did I feel old, but I felt anything but attractive. While on the indoor track running I vowed to get some cute workout clothes if I was ever going to come back at that time. (At one point, I found myself highly critical of this young girl in these extremely short shorts doing what I considered to be quite risky leg lifts considering what she was wearing. Then, I so hate to admit this, I realized I was being so critical not because I cared what she was wearing but because I was slightly jealous of the attention she was getting. Oh Lord..I can't even believe I wrote that...scary, right?)
Of course, it's ridiculous, and incredibly vain. I'm not that old. I won't be 27 until August. I'm not overweight. I'm actually in pretty good shape and could probably run much longer than most of the people in that gym. I don't think I'm an ugly person. But that isn't the point. Sometimes I just have these moments where I realize I'm not invincible and getting old isn't that far off. And it scares me. I'm scared of not feeling attractive because I'm not young anymore. I think especially as a woman in a world where looks are so important, getting old can be rather frightening. It can feel like a loss of power and status, and at times sadly enough, a loss of identity. No wonder the beauty industry is so vast.
The original point of my post was that I just don't feel old. Honestly, I still feel stuck in time at maybe like 14 or 15 years old. Sometimes I can't believe I'm a lawyer or that I have a license to drive a car or that I have a paycheck. After the gym I came home to my roommate and my sister eating dinner with some of their friends from college. They were all commenting on who was getting married and who was having babies. But, it just seems nuts. I don't feel old enough for any of that--and I don't think my friends are old enough either. But, we are, right?
It's just weird. It's weird getting older and it's weird coming to grips with the fact that what we see isn't lasting.
And I think the most important thing in all of this is just remembering what my identity really is. It's so easy to get caught up in all this worldly, non-lasting junk. But following Christ means being free from all that. And I think that's pretty cool.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-2 Corinthians 4:16, 18
4 comments:
I can't believe you have a license to drive a car, either.
And you are beautiful. ;-)
I'm glad to read that I'm not the only 20 something feeling this way! Although my life is very different from yours, we still struggle with the same identity issues.. and this is somehow comforting to me :o)
Oh where do I start considering I've never met you and my brother is a little brat :). This post really hits home - first of all I am old or older - 43 to be exact- have a 27 year old daughter and a 4 year old grandaughter. However I feel better (and I think look better) than I did at 27. So age doesn't really mean all that much anymore like it did when I was stressing about turning 30. I don't feel old enough to have an almost 30 year old daughter or be a grandma. I actually feel empowered now to do things that would have let all of my insecurities shine not too long ago, like exercising at the gym at work and making a huge start toward a totally different career. I am enrolling at UC in pre-nursing in the fall and after being out of school for 25 plus years it scares the heck out of me. But I am determined.
I guess the bottom line is, at least in my case, age is just a number and nothing else. My life is so much better than it was at 27
Get some hot work out clothes and show them all up :) and you must be beautiful if my brother cares about you. Now, if he would only let you win at Jeopardy.....LOL
Unfortunately, I don't think he will ever let me win at Jeopardy. We did tie tonight, though. :-) Soon the trophy will be mine.
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