fantasy v. reality

I've just finished watching Season 3 of Lost. I should've been in bed an hour ago because I have to get to work super early tomorrow to try to find a parking spot downtown prior to the Opening Day Parade shutting down all the parking lots.

But, instead, I can't stop thinking about the show. I can't stop thinking that for most of the people on the island, there really isn't anything for them to return to anyway. I'm not really even sure why they want to be rescued at this point. In some ways, the island is a fantasy much better than real life for most of the characters.

Who knows what this show is about, but it sort of struck me tonight--this contrast between fantasy and reality. Is the fantasy always better? Is the harshness and struggle of reality worth it simply because it's real? Is it better to dream about what might be, but will never actually be or to fight through what is and have hope it can be better?

Yea, I don't know. All I know is Lost leaves me with more questions than any show I've ever watched! 

Happy Opening Day! We get to dress casually and get hot dogs for lunch! No complaints here :-)

Just Look Around

I was perusing the "items wanted" section on Craig's List last night because I'm trying to find someone who may need all the clothes I just purged from my closet and dresser, and came across this:

"I need cash work! I have a two year old daughter and we have been abandoned by my husband over a week ago. I have no way to pay my bills for April. I have many skills and I am available all shifts. I could do domestic chores, babysit, run errands, clerical work, and many other things. Please call...I also need windows, headlights and taillights...My husband busted out all the windows before he left"

Now, I understand you may be skeptical. I am always skeptical of people asking for money. But, either way, it's clear this woman is hurting and desperate. 

I saw several other ads while looking on the website. The thing is, we are all surrounded by people who have needs--not just financial needs, but deeper needs. Odds are every day you encounter someone who is desperately longing to be loved and cared about. 

Reading this ad was just a reminder to me that I am called to be aware that humanity is longing to be loved. And as a follower of Christ, I am called to do just that--to not just look the other way or wait for someone else to help people; but, instead to share our stories so that others may learn hope. 

So, today I am going to keep my eyes open to people who are broken, hurting and in a low place in their life who need a friend--not just my money or stuff. I'm guessing I won't have to look too far.

In other news...let's say you're playing a game of jeopardy. The category requires the word "red" to be in the Answer. The clue is "debit's opposite." Would you accept "creditor" as an answer or is "credit" the only correct answer?

Can you tell I lost to Steve in Jeopardy again last night? :-/

work work work

It's no secret work's been very busy as of late. Foreclosures are at an all time high, and Ohio is one of the leading states for number of foreclosures in the country. In January, I committed myself to try to find a routine that worked for me finding peace between work and life outside work. I plugged away at my little schedule I constructed for myself, but little by little, I've allowed the structure I set up fall away.

I don't think it's bad to work a lot of hours, or to be into your work. But, I do think it's bad when I start finding myself getting super sensitive to everything...and when I realize I'm being extremely sarcastic (more-so than usual!) to the point it comes across as very very negative. And I really only get like this when I'm exhausted and stressed out. 

I get so frustrated with myself when I'm stressed out because I have a short temper, I complain way too much, and overall I'm not pleasant to be around. It's all very selfish.  I don't want to be one of those people who uses work as an excuse to be curt with others and generally, be an overall jerk. I don't want to use work as an excuse to being late for stuff.

This is my life. And no amount of money or judgments in my client's favor is going to heal the relationships that suffer when I allow myself to become obsessive about work. And it's hard because I'm new at this, so things don't come as easily to me as they might in 5 years.  But that obsession with work leads to lots of stress...and that extreme stress leads to me, well, being pretty much a jerk.  And, for sure, when I am a nervous wreck, I'm not at all available for God to use me. I know God put this job in my lap--there's no way around it. Working so much is completely futile if I'm engaging in it alone, and apart from God's involvement.

If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.

If God doesn't guard the city, 

the night watchman might as well nap.

It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,

and work your worried fingers to the bone.

Don't you know he enjoys 

giving rest to those he loves?

-Psalm 127:1-2, The Message

Anyway...here's to summer being around the corner, vacation, and most of all grace. I'll never be perfect, but I can be more alert to the potential harm work/stress can have on my life. 

In the meantime, I think it might be time to start scheduling weekly massages... :-)

Sacrifice

I got to thinking that today, Good Friday, is really a reminder of sacrifice. Today we remember Jesus's death on the cross--a death that destroyed the barrier of sin that previously prevented us from being in a relationship with God. Ultimately, this sacrifice is about love.

Today is a good reminder for me that loving people means sacrificing--my time, my money, my life. I wonder how my life would be different if I remembered that to love means to sacrifice. I wonder how my relationships would be different if I put others' needs before my own; if I stopped hoarding God's love, and instead let it pour out to every person I met.

I think in the end it's about being selfless--forgoing the selfish desire to be the "best Christian" and instead choosing to show love by sacrificing. What if your small group was more about how you could love the people around you who don't know God instead of being a place where you obsess about the things you need to do to be a better Christian?  I'm think we truly understand and experience the magnitude of Jesus's sacrifice for us, when we begin showing the world God's love by sacrificing for it.

Today reminds me that I spend way too much time thinking about myself, about my failures and shortcomings as a Christian. Today reminds me of the call to live a sacrificial life because God loves me--and living sacrificially is so natural if we genuinely are experiencing God's love and are allowing ourselves to be transformed by it.

Have a Happy Easter!

I Win...I Lose.

In court this past Wednesday, I ran into a person with whom I went to law school. Immediately, the conversation went from "nice to see you" to "So, what firm are you working for?" and "How many attorneys are there?" and, "What neighborhood are you living in?"  

It's amazing how the answers to these questions sort of define how "successful" I'd become in this person's eyes. I was thinking to myself this weekend how important appearances can become to us. They can be almost dangerous--getting caught up in meaningless games to ensure we come off as the most successful, the prettiest, the most different...whatever that thing is. 

I like to think I don't get caught up in stuff like that. I mean, I follow Jesus, right? But, I found myself wanting this person to know my firm had over 70 lawyers. I was glad I wore my nice black pinstripe suit, instead of the cheaper-looking brown one I almost wore that day (I'm not kidding...I wish I were). And not because I wanted to seem attractive; but, because I wanted to look successful and appear to be making so much money I could afford nice suits (which is definitely not true!). 

So, even though I'm extremely stressed out, I work too much on the weekends, complain to whoever will listen about how hard my job is--at that moment, I had to brag about my "success" so that I could win the little career game between someone I went to school with for three years. PATHETIC. 

That is definitely not freedom. Jesus offers something radically different than the little games we play in this world, constantly competing with each other--building facades of success or the perfect family or relationship, when inside we are messed up. We are frightened of what people would think if they knew what we really thought. Even the best of us harbor feelings of hatred, lust, pride--all kinds of junk only God can deal with. 

I'm glad I had that random encounter. It highlighted for me how easy it is to fall into the games the world plays--how easy it is to want to fool people around us with appearances, and hide the pain and junk inside. But, we can't hide from God. God knows, and we can't fake behavior or our lives to impress Him. 

What a wonderful, freeing feeling to live solely for God...and not for appearances or games. This is my new passion--I want to quit playing games. I want to let God fix the inside so that what others see on the outside isn't hypocrisy, but something radically different.

Happy Valentine's Day!

If a Steelers fan and a Bengals fan can date each other and make it work, there's hope for anybody!

hope you have a great day with your Valentine...but, I think I somehow snagged the best one ;-)

Listen and Repeat.

I have been playing this song on repeat for like a week now. It's so cute...and who knows, maybe if you hang out at Taza, you'll fall in love at a coffee shop!

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down,
I want to come too.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me, quite like you do,
Through all of the shadowy corners of me.

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine,
Now I'm shining too.

Because, oh because,
I've fallen quite hard over you.

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know.
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone.

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

All of the while, all of the while,
And it's you.

-Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg

Home

I worked late today--not because I necessarily had to, but more because I wanted to free up Thursday and Friday. (note-I have most likely now jinxed myself so that I will have to work late both Thursday and Friday)

There is this amazing feeling of coming home after being away for a long time. I left the house at 7:30AM in the freezing cold, dark sky and pulled in the driveway--er parked in the street in front of my house--at 6:40 PM (still dark and cold) and just felt this incredible relief. HOME--yes! Time to relax, read, put on my comfy slippers and drink a glass of wine--not necessarily in that order.

A week or so ago, I was talking with my good friend Jana, and she was chatting about how she finally realized she would always struggle with insecurity, etc. We were basically thinking that no matter what, as human beings we will perpetually be "figuring it out"--which can be frustrating.

I can only imagine what it feels like to go to heaven. The relief it must be to finally be home--in a place where insecurity is gone, faith is affirmed, eternal happiness...just seems incredible, doesn't it?

SNOW!

About a half hour ago, I walked outside to go for a run to find a Winter Wonderland on the ground! Ok, it was only about an inch or so...but there is something really pretty about snow that has yet to be disturbed by footprints, tire tracks, or um animals. It was so sparkly!

I don't normally feel that way about snow (especially considering I now have to run after work and who knows what the drive has in store for me), but I was struck by how beautiful it was at 6 a.m.

**And I think we might get some more on Thursday! (time to learn the bus routes to work...)

I think I Flirt Too Much

4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.
James 4:4-6 The Message

I've been fascinated with James recently. In fact, I think I've read the entire book three days in a row. For a while now, I've struggled with the fact that my life doesn't look that much different from a non-Christian. I don't give more financially than non-Christians (probably less), I don't live with a sense of peace (in fact, usually I seem to carry around stress wherever I go), I drink too much, I am not overly kinder than non-Christians, etc.

But, I believe in Jesus. And if I believe as I say I do, my actions (the outward expressions of my faith) must look different. Otherwise, I'm living as a false Christian--full of pretty things to say, backed up by very little real transformation.

James makes it pretty clear--we have a choice to make--a choice between friendship with God or friendship with the world. And choosing one means not choosing the other-you can't have it both ways. Being friends with the world means you are an enemy of God. Choosing friendship with the world is to choose a life that is in direct conflict with God's will. It is to choose a life full of human ambition, reckless decisions, and dangerous consequences.

I love the Message version of this passage because it paints God as a jealous lover. God wants us completely. We can't choose a little of God and a little of the world-it is an exclusive choice.

I know that every unhealthy relationship I've been in began with casual flirting. Flirting that I believed was harmless, that over time, developed into relationships. And those broken and messed up relationships that began with just a little casual flirting, lead to insecurities and other consequences that still affect me today.

This is not to say that we can't make mistakes or that to choose God means to choose a life of rules and boredom. But, how can we honestly believe that Jesus's death saved us from God's judgment and not desire and long for righteousness?

I believe our lives and actions should reflect that we believe in God's grace and in turn, a life that desires righteousness. Grace and righteousness are NOT contradictory to each other. They go hand in hand. We simply can't extend grace to each other without also longing for righteous choices and lives. To do so would be to miss the point of grace. Desiring grace means also desiring righteousness. We want to be forgiven AND to grow and mature in our faith.

God's love is better than anything we can find in this world. And yet, time and time again we allow ourselves to be wooed by ridiculous substitutes--drinks in excess, sexual impurity, money, success at work. Over time, this continual choice of the world over God turns us into enemies of God.

I choose God and His grace. I choose for my life to look more like Jesus's and less like the world. I choose righteousness.

Authenticity and Grace

This weekend I saw the movie Juno, and I highly recommend you go see it. It's funny and touching and just wonderfully quirky. In a scene towards the end of the movie, the main character, Juno (16 and pregnant) has this conversation with her Dad:

Juno: I need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever.

Juno's Dad (Mr. MacGuff): Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

I realize that perhaps isn't the most eloquent piece of love advice a father has ever given his daughter, but I like it. It's a question I seem to continually struggle with--can two people really make a relationship work forever?

You see, it's all about being real. It seems so much of our lives we play this giant game, pretending to be whatever we think people want us to be in order to earn respect, become successful, and even to find love.

And how sad. Because, if our relationships aren't authentic, then why bother? I'm definitely no relationship expert; and when it comes to love, my track record is not too great-but, I've learned that pretending to be something I'm not doesn't work; that not being completely honest about my feelings doesn't create a lasting relationship.

The thing is, a relationship that lasts, I'm beginning to realize, is going to be hard, and sometimes awkward or uncomfortable.

And we have to be ok with the uncomfortable, frustrating, and at times annoying moments (i.e. dating a Bengals' fan during a Steelers playoff game) in exchange for a relationship that has a shot at being able to last.

It's hard for me. I want to be perfect. I want to be the ideal girlfriend, who is never annoying or needy. And I want my relationship to be perfect as well--romantic dates where everything goes smoothly, dinners where the food always turns out well, time spent together where no one is ever in a bad mood, etc.

But, that's impossible and nothing is ever perfect. Dinners get burned, perfect dates go awry, I have crazy moments, I get frustrated. It's life. We are human. So, I think our best chance of having a relationship that lasts and, more importantly, that grows is to be real and honest, particularly when it's awkward and hard.

And of course add in a LOT of grace and forgiveness.

Merry Christmas

I realize I've had about a two month hiatus from blog world. It's amazing how fast time moves. And I'm sitting here today in disbelief that Christmas Day is nearly over, as is 2007. Where did the time go? I mean, really, it seems like yesterday I was starting a new job in Dayton and now I am living in Cincinnati, 8 months into a completely different job.

It honestly feels like the older I get, the quicker time moves. I drove into Toledo Saturday morning and now I am sitting here preparing for work on Thursday because, well, time flew by once again.

It's nothing new. Everybody feels this way I'm sure. Parents see it in the way a newborn transforms into a little person seemingly overnight. I'm just consumed by thoughts of not wanting to waste time. Things happen so fast and we all get so busy; we barely have time to sit and think--and when we do, we are just planning for what is next.

I long to honor time and make memories, instead of just rushing through to the next thing--the next event--the next stage of life. I know I have said this 100 times, but I desire to be in the moment, and not always analyzing and plotting for what is to come.

One of the reasons this has been a wonderful Christmas season for me is because Steve and I decided early on to spend Christmas doing things and spending time together; rather than buying lavish gifts for each other that carry little sentiment. I feel like we really made memories this season and were in the moment during the time we spent together--and that far outweighs any gift he could have bought for me...(although, I must say, the thought behind his Christmas presents to me was quite touching.)

So, I guess my "goal" or resolution or whatever you want to call it for 2008 is to not be in such a rush. And maybe to try to be less stressed out about work...that'd be good too :-)

So, it's raining...

Did you notice it's like a monsoon outside?

Last week I left my umbrella in court. I walked from my office to the parking garage and was so wet, there is an wet imprint in the driver's seat in my car. When I got home, I hung my clothes in the shower and they were still dripping. Wow. And I was freezing.

But, then I got into some sweats...and seriously, is there anything better than being super comfy and listening to the rain outside?

I'm kind of looking forward to crawling into bed and falling asleep to the rain beating on my windows. (*pending, of course, that it stops by 6AM so I can get my run in*)

4 more days 'til the weekend.

6 more days 'til the Steelers beat the Bengals.

Things Change

So, I'm not so good at keeping up my blog anymore. But, I like the idea of something kind of keeping track of my thoughts/what I'm doing with my life...it's kind of like a public diary. And I guess it's the whole "public" aspect that keeps me from writing much. I'm nervous I'll say something potentially career-harmful. I guess I will just write with fear...

So, yea, the blog might take a little different look. It might not be as personal...but, I'm going to try to keep it semi-updated with what is going on in my life, mostly because I like having a record of it!

Record Breaking

The forecast today suggested Cincinnati might break the record for highest temperature. It got pretty hot. Although, to be honest, my office is freezing, so unless it's super hot in the morning when I'm walking in or in the evening when I'm leaving, I don't notice too much.

But, I'll tell you what...I am so ready for fall. I'm ready for chilly evenings, pumpkins, trick-or-treaters, throwing on a sweaters, the changing colors of leaves, not sweating while walking from my office to the courthouse, sitting outside on a chilly day with a pumpkin spice latte, and of course, candy corn. Fall is definitely my favorite season.

I think George Eliot said it best:

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

A Fresh Perspective

A close family friend has been diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is such a generic word. But, this kind of cancer is very serious. It's rare and there isn't a standard course of treatment. So this man was given statistics and different prognoses depending on which treatment he and his doctor selected. It's a grave situation. While there is definitely reason to hope (the man is in amazing shape, the doctor has a lot of faith in the course of treatment he is undergoing, etc.), he is also facing what will likely be the hardest few months of his life.

Last week I was on my way to visit him at the hospital during his first cycle of treatment. The whole way there I kept thinking I didn't know what I would say. I didn't know how to seem hopeful without seeming trite and patronizing. And then I realized none of that mattered.

We started talking and he shocked me by saying "cancer started a new life for me." He continued talking about how he would probably never keep stuff again and that he has a whole new/different perspective on things. And so much that mattered to him a month ago just seemed ridiculous. When I left there, I felt like he had given me hope...not the other way around.

When I got home from the beach this past summer, I was committed to not just surviving my days, but actually living them. But it's funny how routine and schedules and stuff just gets in the way. All of a sudden I'm back to the same old and my life is being measured in meetings, money, success at work, and the same junk that is completely circumstantial.

What does it take for us to get it? Why is it so hard to be adventurous and say no to mere basic survival?

When I left the hospital, I couldn't help but think of this U2 song...I just don't want my life to constantly be measured and valued by things that are replaceable, perishable, breakable, etc...

Walk On
-U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can’t sell it, can’t buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one
Home... I can’t say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

And I'm Back

So it's been over a month and I was all ready to post a blog only to find my entire template is gone! What in the world?!

I don't really get the new google templates. Why are there question marks next to the different months? It makes no sense. I'm going to try to play around with it...maybe I'll even get to post something tomorrow...but, for now, it's time for work. The 10 minute window between post run and shower is over. :-)

This Just In

The internet is kind of working...well it's working on Jana's computer, but not mine. Hopefully you aren't going through a withdrawal of sorts at me not being able to blog.

What a muggy morning! I feel like it's going to rain at any moment. I had a lovely tour of Clifton this morning on my 7 mile run, and I decided I love how the gaslights are on when it's dark. It's definitely a perk to being up that early. I think the fall is going to be gorgeous.

I have nothing organized to say. I need to get going for my 7 minute communte to work. Another perk--being able to drive on low fuel to work!

I'm very excited for what is in store...for what's coming. Preparation and anticipation are great, but so is just living every day, not merely existing...just being present and seizing opportunities. A year ago, I could not have imagined I'd be living in Clifton. I'm excited to see why God wanted me here. I'm excited for amazing things to happen. But, mostly, I'm just excited to live... be challenged, encourage others, face fears, and experience an adventure.

Living is no low-risk proposition. If life is an adventure, then danger is inherent to the journey. In the same way freedom and fear are great adversaries. How often have we surrendered our freedom under the weight of our fears? This is one of the main reasons we abdicate living for existing. As mundane and routine as it is, existing does provide for us a level of certainty, predictability, and safety. Freedom is wild and wide-open. It is filled with uncharterted territory and unmapped terrain.
-Erwin McManus, Uprising, p. 14

Let the adventure begin.

Today my sister competed in her first sprint triathlon. And she did great...especially considering she cut her foot on a piece of glass coming out of the swim, and basically biked and ran with a bloody foot. Quite impressive.

I love racing. There is something so exciting about a big race, with lots of fans, and tough athletes and finish lines. And the fans are so supportive. Lining the entire course were family members, friends, and just people in the neighborhood there to cheer on and encourage the athletes. They cheered for the top, elite competitors...and also for the 71 year old woman finishing towards the back of the pack, but sporting quite the smile. (And, seriously, to do a triathlon when you are 71? amazing)

My favorite showing of support was a husband who had a bright red t-shirt made that said "My wife Ellie is 30 today and doing her first triathlon. I'm so proud." Um...adorable.

Fun times all around...good job Kate!

Ummmmm

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also
Matthew 6:19-20

So, yea, packing is not that fun. I set out to accomplish a lot tonight--organize/pack up my records and files; clean and pack up clothes that are already in baskets in my room. I got maybe 1/10 of that done.

How do we accumulate so much stuff? It's insane. It took me 90 minutes to file papers, bills, and records that had been in my "to be filed" folder for like 4 months. And why do I have paper records for accounts that I basically only look at online? What a waste! I need a shredder...

It's crazy how many pairs of shoes I have, how many purses/bags I have that I never use, coats, gloves, books, socks, EVERYTHING. I have so much. And, yet, I have no problem justifying why I need more. In my closet there are two suit jackets, two skirts, 1 pair of pants, and 1 shirt that still have tags on. Only one of those items was bought recently. I have more pairs of jeans than many people probably have pants total (13). Need a black shirt? I have short sleeved, long sleeved, sleeveless, button down, tank top, belted sweater, cardigan, and more...Ugh.

And the words "I have nothing to wear" come out of my mouth more often than I care to admit.

It's kind of sick. When I see all my stuff out there, stacked up, ready to go...it sure looks like my treasures lie in things that can definitely be destroyed.

I think it's time for a change. And I think it might be time for a little clothing fast... :-)